Thursday, December 31, 2009
Marred and torched and accused of blame,
Arisen, I stand, and you'll speak my name,
You'll burn to touch me, ignite the flame.
I have triumphed over all that conquered and claimed me
I have gasped for breath atop those who've restrained me,
I've gone feral with passion for those seeking to tame me,
I have returned. . . from being insane.
I Am A Warrior Woman.
Through injustice, abuse, neglect; I perservere,
Voluptuous, robust, ferocious, and fierce!
What I want I shall have, though you try, you shall not halt me.
Now come, let me take you, I pray thee, exalt me.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I've always been so in the moment.. guess that's why I was a little slutty when I was on the market. And now... I guess that's why Chris and I fight like we do. I know that's why I've got the debt I've accrued, especially because my hubby is the same way.
Why can't people like us come with a warning or a manual. We're not bad people. We're not even stupid, we're just hard to show the big picture to. I wish I'd seen that sooner.
Ew, under all the revisions and self-molding I am so bitter and angry about what's gone wrong that it's hard to focus on what's right and maintain composure when all I want to do is scream at someone and throw punches. I am compelled to be violent and loud and angry and obtrusive... and inappropriate.
This is something I have to fight all the time. In public I feel like a freak-show because I'm full-figured and I have a particular style I refuse to deviate from, but I want people to look sometimes. I seek admiration- I seek... that look.
You know that look! The one that says; "Hey, come behind this wall with me and let me do things to you." And even though I never would it's SO hot it solidifies my prowess all day.
In person sometimes I'm a comedian.. I watch a lot of movies and some tv, even, these days(I used to despise television) and I quote a lot. I'm also somewhat of a complainer/soap-box dweller which can be fun but I think some people really don't like what I have to say even though it's educated and I take all belligerent tones out if I sense the necessity.
Before the amino acid treatment(L. Theanine) and still, sometimes, I'm kind of awkward. My drive to to be outrageous and grab your attention and make you adore me makes the part of me that doesn't want to disrespect or have others feel that I disrespect my hubby VERY uncomfortable.
I can be flat-out lewd. Once, recently, I described the proper way to enter a woman's anus with a penis to my husband's friend's new boyfriend... afterward, I felt like I had farted when the preacher paused in church. Aimee(the friend) smiled and laughed nervously and her boyfriend got all excited and told her "see, it doesn't have to hurt!" HA! My hubby thinks my lewdness is funny, but I try to always consider feelings. Love makes you think/do/feel crazy things.
We're no stranger to that.
Anyway, my reign of terror at the sister-in-law's ends this weekend. YAY! And tomorrow is my free day away from the children. What will I do?.... No idea, but I bet it ends with cleaning the shit out of my house.
Have a Happy New Year, All!!
Friday, December 25, 2009
It seems every year something keeps me from the spiritual celebration of Yule. The mundane is consuming, loud, overwhelming...
But this XMas was lovely.
It's near 2:30 and the children have fallen to their first sugar-induced-coma. We're house sitting for my sister-in-law and her girlfriend while they visit my brother-in-law and his girlfriend and children in FL.
We're about 45 mins from home and the weather isn't the best, so I brought I few things yesterday when I went home to check on Aya and Jayne(the kitties) and pick up a few other things. Chris wasn't feeling well last night so after the kids went down(8p) he got a back rub and a nap and when he woke up(10p) he was so thankful that I got a backrub which led to excellent x-mas booty.
Yesterday while chris was out picking up the last-minute baked goods, the neighbor stopped in(a nice older lady named Maria who is native to Italy) and dropped off a large bag of her own baked goods and candy. The children dug. Hence the coma this afternoon.
My sister-in-law has recently adopted three foster children and has been VERY busy as of late and so no preparation went into decor in her home, but we put up a little statue of Santa in his silver duds and a big twinkling pink and red wreath and a fiber-optic shopping scene with a fountain that sings Christmas carols on a little end table, and after we wrapped the few gifts I brought, we arranged them in and under the table.
This morning Chris made turkey sausage gravy and we had turkey sausage gravy and egg with cheese on sandwiches before bringing the children downstairs and letting them tear things up.
We put the toys in totes with other toys like them and wrapped them together(Taven and Lylie are two and one and seem disinterested in tearing the wrapping paper off, anyhow) so we could control the mess and it was a success!! We played with each tote separately and put everything away before moving on to the next.
They still have a kitchenette and tool bench at home that needs to be set up and organized into totes.
My sister-in-law and her family comes back on the 4th and Chris and the children will still be there this weekend when I go to work. On the plus-side I havetime to complete the project of going through their toys and junking the broken and donating the neglected to GoodWill.
This time of year when status is so evident to us all and guilt rises from what couldn't be done, it's good to think about those of us spending the holidays alone or with much less to celebrate.
Do your best to help others when they're in need and you're available. Carry some shopping bags for someone struggling, hold a door for someone who's got their hands full, shovel a walk for an elderly neighbor, donate toys to toys for tots or warm clothes or canned goods to the homeless shelter, volunteer your time- you never realize how much it's appreciated until you see the effect.
When I've had times to get things organized and time and money is easier to come by, that's my goal. I wanted to volunteer at the food bank this summer but I got a job and time got shorter and shorter. Taven and Lylie do NOT like to share mommy, hehehe..
A certain kind of pride comes with philanthropy. Not much can compare, really.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
His Dark Materials, the trilogy by English author, Philip Pullman, is what inspired the 2007 film, The Golden Compass, which is based on the first book, Northern Lights. There are two more books(hence, trilogy) of which the director Chris Weitz and producer Deborah Forte have expressed their intention to make sequels based upon, according to an article posted July 20th on christianpost.com.
This excerpt was taken from the above link;
'Before its release, The Golden Compass received heavy criticism from some faith-based organizations for the source material's anti-Christian and atheistic themes, as well as from secular organizations and fans of His Dark Materials for the dilution of the religious elements from the novels.
While the film was successful overseas, making around $300 million, it made only $70 million in the United States, which some attributed to the boycotting of the film.
New Line Cinema, the film’s distributor, reportedly commissioned Hossein Amini to write a screenplay based on the second book in the trilogy, The Subtle Knife, potentially for release in late 2009, with the third book of the trilogy, The Amber Spyglass, to follow. However, New Line president Toby Emmerich has reportedly stressed that production of the second and third films was dependent on the financial success of The Golden Compass.
Golden Compass Producer Deborah Forte, on the other hand, has vowed to make the second and the third movie, claiming that they “have to.”
"I will make 'The Subtle Knife' and 'The Amber Spyglass,'" she told Variety Magazine this past March. "I believe there are enough people who see what a viable and successful franchise we have."'
Posted December16th on catholicleague.com was this little tidbit, entitled "No Sequel To 'The Golden Compass"';
'Catholic League president Bill Donohue comments on reports that there will be no sequel to “The Golden Compass,” the movie based on the first book of a trilogy by English author Philip Pullman:
Two years ago, the Catholic League launched a boycott of “The Golden Compass” in the hope that Christian parents would keep their children away from the film and thus not be inclined to buy them His Dark Materials, the trilogy of pro-atheist books aimed at young people. We also wanted to discourage the possibility that producers would make a movie of “The Subtle Knife,” the second book of the trilogy. We knew we succeeded in the first goal, and had every reason to believe we were going to win on the second one. Now Pullman has confirmed our victory: there will be no sequel.
Pullman has been widely quoted in Britain taking aim at me for my alleged “triumphalism.” The accusation is accurate. I am positively gloating. Cheers, everyone!'
I must say as a parent, that there are movies made for children that I wouldn't approve of for my children until they're older and I can explain certain things to them... That is your responsibility as a parent. You decide what is appropriate for your child/ren.I am appalled by the efforts of the catholic church to completely blacklist this series. We live in a country famed for freedom of expression which includes all forms of media. Once again a faith's fear due to a lack of understanding takes away from people with the proper education and sense to keep their faith and base their view on facts rather than a fantasy series of novels.
My husband and I adored The Golden Compass and were thrilled when we realized there were books and what we thought was a definite sequel.
I support all faiths, because you need faith, in my opinion, to get you through the rough times and keep you working towards the positive, but Christianity is one of the youngest religions in the world based on all the ancient faiths, re-written to justify behavior and keep certain people in power. Here, with the prevalence of ignorance and fear, the discrimination and closed-mindedness continues to ruin the enjoyment of those of us seeking entertainment when we're not taking care of our families.
I don't hail to the christian faith specifically. I hold some beliefs in my personal path, but I'm mostly PAGAN. Guess what? I'm not out killing people because I don't agree with them. I don't steal, I don't lie(much), I'm faithful to my husband, respectful to my parents and all elders and I'm forever trying to help people. I even do assisted living as a source of employment.
Christians will tell you that I am evil or delusional because I do magic and use tools of divination to better my existence and help others, what does that tell you? That they're going based on indoctrination they, themselves, have experienced and know NOTHING outside of what they were forced to believe.
ACCEPT DIVERSITY. We will never be of one race or creed as a whole. Different people is what makes the world. You don't have to agree with others, that's your right, but you may as well accept it.
I have the right as an American, as an adult, as a HUMAN BEING to choose my entertainment. I'm disgusted that an organization has ANY say.
Believe what you believe, by all means. Especially if it enriches your life. However, you, personally, have not been charged with the job of ridding the world of evil(which by the way has no embodiment with a name, but came from the terror, pain and injustice that PEOPLE just like you and me brought against one another). Don't see an atheistic movie or allow you kids to if that makes you feel better, but the rest of us would like the choice.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
This is fantastic, as Chris and I are fricken' nuts! Not like... abusive, neglecting, criminally insane or anything, just tics and emotional problems, mostly.
Reading through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, I've found out, what I thought was social phobia is really agoraphobia. According to the workbook, agoraphobics have a definite FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT, often, also, there's a fear of difficulty escaping, including but not limited to;
- Crowded public places(grocery stores, shopping centers, restaurants, etc.)
- Enclosed, confined spaces(tunnels, bridges, hallways, etc.)
- Public transportation
- Being at home alone
Since I've been herbally treating myself for the past year, my symptoms have lessened, most of them have even dissipated entirely. The fact of the matter, however, is that I have an irrational, overwhelming DREAD when it comes to going out sometimes, or, even being alone. I deserve to end this vicious cycle. My family never deserved to have suffered because of it(granted, they don't suffer much now, the spoiled brats, but everyone stands to gain if mommy is better).
Agoraphobics also have a tendency to fear losing control or going crazy. This was prevalent when I was recovering from surgery with my cesarean from Lylie, that first six months of her life.. I was terrified. Afraid to be around people, afraid to be out in public, afraid, really, to even be seen by ANYONE because I felt so big and saggy.. deformed.
I used to blame my fear of embarrassment on my step-father humiliating me in front of people, but I looked at the causes.. and it's a combination of environmental and hereditary influences, and environmentally what applied to me was the over-critical parent.
My mommy expected a lot of me. I was a brilliant child, what can I say? My grandmother and great-grandmother were over-critical parents as well. My aunt was pretty anti-social for a long time, but I have no proof she's agoraphobic- my uncle, same thing, pretty anti-social, no idea if he is or was ever agoraphobic. My mom meets the criteria in some respects, but if she has it it's mild.
No resentment, though, honestly. The advances in medicine and availability of the studies and recordings due to the internet is what will help me break the cycle, right? It's a miracle.
Also, knowing this, I feel as though, I can let go of a lot of the resentment I have for my step-father, though, as far as a relationship goes, I'm apathetic. I tried... kind of. I tried as much as I'm willing under the circumstances, but with the proper therapy and training I can be more comfortable around him and in "his" home.
I want to seek exposure therapy, group therapy and assertiveness training(I'm extreemely passive-agressive, which is ANNOYING, not just to me, but anyone who has to see it) rather than some mind-numbing psychotropic drug as my herbs have done me well. The work that's left is mental. I have to learn how to better behave and take control of uncomfortable situations instead of letting them control me.
For more information on these treatments, I highly suggest Webmd.com and wikipedia.com, as they're both treasure troves of valuable medical/psychological information.
Hey, I suppose it might make more sense to some why I have difficulty getting to the library or using the internet in general(other than having two children and no personal internet) with this information.
Some might think one wouldn't want the world knowing of such personal information. On the contrary, I want everyone I know to know the score. It's not you, it's me. That kind of thing. I've allowed lots of friendships to fall by the way-side, I think those people deserve an explanation, should they still seek it. I've been wonderfully blessed in my life. I meet amazing people all the time. Of course I've people who are not worth the seemingly never-ending stress they cause me, but my social skills are what has failed my friendships rather than a lack of opportunity.
Chris's biggest issues are depression and bi-polar, but he also suspects he may have skitzo-effective disorder, which isn't severe incase you may worry. The depression is a much bigger deal in all our eyes.
In addition to psychological issues, there's been some physical problems between Chris & I, also. Chris is still nursing over a decade old sports injury in his knee. He needs some kind of surgery on his Lateral Collateral Ligaments in his right knee, where as I've just got post pregnancy issues- STILL! Love my babies, but they tore me up all over, ha-ha.
Ever since my first cesarean I've had several NEW bodily issues. In my estimation, the brief bit I've learned of anatomy through cosmetology and independent study leads me to believe it's nerve related. Here's what I found on Web MD, I've listed only my symptoms.
Autonomic nerve damage may produce the following symptoms:
- too much sweating (known as hyperhydrosis)
- dry eyes and mouth
- bladder dysfunction(can't pee when I need to)
Sensory nerve damage may produce the following symptoms:
- tingling or prickling
- problems with positional awareness
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I'd like to get a doctorate in Psychology. I can earn my master's at Shepherd, but that gives me 8 years to decide where I'll take my final four years and save.
I've told everyone now, I think. Which sucks, because if I'm unable to start just yet due to student loans w/ Sallie Mae, I get to look like an even bigger ass. YAY!
The children are fantastic. As is Christopher.
Taven is speaking in complete sentances "But why, ma?,""No, that's bad!," "Yes, I want some.," etc. AND he's in the process of potty training. He's so big.
Lylie is cutting her 6th tooth and is walking and talking nearly as much a Taven.
They get each other and are good friends with lots of inside jokes that no one else gets. Lylie is super snuggly and lovable and LOVES to dance and Taven like to wrestle, play zombie/cannibal baby and watch nickelodeon/ movies. They both love books, though Taven would perfer to tear one up, while Lylie enjoys both chewing on them and reading them as well.
Jen, the neighbor, and I SWORE that night before last she was saying, "Yeah, that's sexy!" and about five or six times in a row.
I hang out with West Virginians, now. There are two Jennifers, one I work with, one lives next door. Chris and I hang out with the neighbors and thier children quite often. We used to hang out w/ the neighbors behind us, too, but I uess we've all just been busy...
I still see my Tree and I FOUND JAMES! He's an ex who has also always been a great friend. I miss him dearly. We ran into each other totally by chance while I was getting money out for beer and he was going w/ a friend to blow money at the slots. He ended up bringing his friend to our Beer Pong tournamet, where Tree showed up & man, it was just like being in high school again.
And then, via facebook, I've gotten into contact with Matt from Frederick and Jay from Allentown. I also spoke to Amie, someone else who knows and has dated James, lol, though we met through Daniel.
Chris starts training for Captial Meats this week. And is actually going this time(hasn't worked out for the past month due to lots of unforseen circumstances).
Life is looking up, it's nice, for a change.
I was working a lot for a while.
Now I'm home all week and I work all weekend again. It's rather nice. I'll miss the money, however, as I'll see the last of it this or next weekend.
As I worked fifty-eight hours over four days or the past eight weeks I had A LOT of time. My fella I work for is rather indepenent as I may have mentioned and I'd have spans of hours where I could just read. Or watch TV, do yoga.. etc.
SO I started studying again. I picked up my independent studies I used to pine after in high school and I found a much deeper more involved faith than I remember ever having..
I'm not going to preach to you or go all SELF-HELP like I tend to these days, but I am going to say it's changing my life.
I'm still taking my herbs. I've upped the ante on the fish oil & started taking L. Theanine instead of kava kava, so I know that's taking effect as well, but truth be told, I RARELY experience anxiety anymore. When I do I have total control.
That's the main thing.
I'M IN CONTROL. People's actions and words make sense again, I get my kids, I can almost speak to my kitties... I cheer people up. I'm out-going, I'm friendly, I CALL PEOPLE.
It's FUCKING weird.
I started studying divination and astronomy(a bit of astrology, also). I've always dabbled w/ mythology, but Chris found me this awesome book(it's HUGE) and it only cost five bucks. It has a dictionary-esque feel to it and includes ancient mythology from Greece/Rome, the Celts, Egypt, and East and West Asia and surrounding areas.
Being a practitioner of what most call "the craft," I have the power(as does every living thing on this planet) to manipulate energy with that of my own AND I realize it.
Being witchy is something that's always made me smile.
It's easier to manipulate energy when a. You're working towards good and b. you know what you're up against(I've found, personally, some strange entity tends to gum up the works when I allow my workings to take a less positive approach, I blame Daniel).
The belief that everything living of the earth is made up of energy is a product of quantum physics. The laws within are what has ultimately solidified my faith.
SCIENCE IN RELIGION!?
This is the 21st century. Even those of the NEW religion have found a little back-up science.
Anyway. I discovered a fail-safe, cure-all, panacea/incantation. I stand by it as I've had success personally, but all of this "stuff" and the results are based entirely upon you, the strength within and the faith you have in yourself and in nature(our creator, we put faces on it sometimes, but it comes down to the elements and spirit, does it not?).
I don't recommend saying this, especially over and over, if witchcraft and things of the like make you uncomfortable. But if you are a magickal people, strum your own heart-strings and hold on!
This incantation is either anonymous, written by Silver Ravenwolf herself, or possibly an older pagan author she often refers to, and it contains the 13 powers of a witch. I'm just utterly comforted by it. I chant it out doors while I'm alone, sometimes serenely monotone, sometimes a song comes along with the words to my lips. Silver Ravenwolf's "Solitary Witchcraft, A New Generation; Book Of Shadows" is where I obtained it. She stands by that it works and is intensely potent.
I took latin in high school, I use Greco-Roman pantheons, specifically Juno & Apollo as they just kind of weave my energy well. Where it says [Juno's], feel free to insert your own diety that you, personally, connect with. Or simply "Spirit" would suffice.
"Thirteen powers do the witches claim,
Thier right of lineage by [Juno's] name,
Tie the knot and say the words,
Or hand on head- the blessing is conferred.
A witch can bring success in love,
Bless or curse through goddess above,
Speak to beasts and spirits alike,
Command the weather, cast out a blight,
Read the heavens and stars of the night,
Divine the future, give good advice,
Conjure treasure and bring fortune to bear,
Heal the sick, kill despair."
I did my own little esbat concerning said powers and now wear a "13 Powers Talisman" which, simply, is a collection of things I've taken from nature in the last year and arranged symbolically within the talisman it's self.
When you're pagan, you follow the witch's pyramid and Dare To Be Silent.. but this is something that's had great impact on the trejectory of my life and I felt I needed to share.
If you hate anything non-christian that scares you, pisses you off, etc. You have no right looking at this page anyway.
I write honesty, I write goodness, and mystery doesn't scare me, it enthralls me.