Wednesday, July 29, 2009
It was Enlightening.. In the past 3 years of my life I've watched so many things that inspire rage that the hot feeling in my chest and face seemed familiar.. but I've decided that I'm a rageaholic, it's a defense mechanism, and so I've been redirecting my anger and replacing it(almost always successfully) with other emotions. In this case saddness.. And saddness does nothing, generally. But this blog is my contribution to what I hope will be revolution or at the very least, change.
The Yes Men are nonviolent activists. In this documentary they use scare tactics and rediculousness to inspire change. The biggest "prank" they pulled was posing on BBC as a representative of DOW and claiming to compensate victims of the Union Carbine incident. BBC found out their antics quickly and they were invited back and asked how they could disregard the building and smashing of hopes to the victims.. well they visited the victims to get their opinion and they were more than grateful. It's what should have been done. They made a global statement... That's what we need.
I hate to be all female about it, but I cried. It was motivating.
I have so much going on in my life, monetary restrictions and such, all I want to do is change the world so that my beautiful, wonderful babies have some semblence of a future, but I can barely feed us.. clothe us.. we're days, weeks at the most, away from losing our trailer. This is my only means of making a difference in this way.
The power was out for two days total, afternoon to afternoon. I went to the food bank today, as all the food in my refridgerator had expired. Disgustingly.
I envied the volunteers that I may help the needy instead of be it.
I tried to get applications, but the head who knew where they were is only in on mondays... another trip.. and no money for gas.
Chris got a call from the unemployment compensation agency last week and we faxed wages.. we thought for sure the money would have been in by now. We were wrong.
I owe so many people money.
As a contractor, I get a paycheck once a month. This friday is the 31st, my last day of work this month and the day I need to turn my timesheet in at the main office that's about twenty minutes away.
I have a quarter of a tank of gas..
Chris called again, yesterday. They STILL have not filed his paperwork.
The near future is a scary place for me.
We discussed it last night.. it's terrifying. We're both sick in the head and the walls are closing in.
I keep telling him(and myself) that we just need to hang in there. Keep pushing until he gets his checks and I get mine and everything will be ok. He can get his state ID and we can start going to therapy again. I don't think I'll ever take any medicines again, though. Once I can afford the herbal remedies I'll be ok. Right now I'm conserving and I'm not taking enough, but ince I can take the proper ammount I'll be one-hundred percent better. I know it.
Chris doesn't believe me.
He claims it's psychosematic, but I'm confident.
I don't think I'd have been able to continually wipe the shit from my glasses so often so easily. It's not easy.. but before, I'd have just given up. Just gone back to my comforts.. the blood and the poison. And I haven't. I've kept it together. My frustration prevails occasionally and I'm not as nice as I'd like to be... but I'm not robbing people or places or killing or even harming anyone.. and I've wanted to. Never have, always thought about it.
So, home I go. I'm hopeful for the future. Hopeful I'll get the money, pay the bills, find the means to make my difference.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Cut Poem #1:
On my own I shall carry on-
And try with all I am to accept it-
That lonliness is all that I will ever know in the end.
And there will always be separation.
Each beautiful enigma that I covet
Sparkling bright & glitttering with novel
Will spawn emotion I can no longer handle..
And will turn to ash and sting my eyes..
Or without explaination make haste to leave me...
And again I will be left alone
To my own hateful thoughts,
And violent self-image.
Fear for me, for I can not be nice to myself.
and thoughts of other
invoke the need for blood.
For the sting of salt from my tears
In my fresh open wounds.
It is a [sadomasochistic] sanctuary that I seek each time.
And each time, I cower in regret.
But each time I return foolishly.
Because I know no other way to soothe me.
I arrive with epiphanies and revelations in motion behind closed lips-
And they are met with poisonous blasts of negative verbage
Before I can allow them to escape.
And each time I attempt to impress upon you,
These sweet surges of soft serenity,
But they are suppressed against your cloud of dispair,
Sometimes penetrated and deflated.,
Sometimes haggard and treated as abominations,
And sometimes you completely murder them, and they remain unheard of.
This invokes in me waves of rage that peak and damper....
Like a storm it starts calm then it rushes, boils and climbs above the brim,
And I fear it will spill from me in fits of violence.
Though, again I suppress.
And I've politely within decided
That my mild meanderings of mysticism and man
Should most likely be withheld for my own sake.
So I shall take them, keep them with me and savor them alone.
So that I save myself from disappointment in your mandatory melancholy.
No excuse for your behaviour,
You are selfish and you are cold.
The images portrayed are false
As you do as you are told.
Spineless, lacking pride.
All that you have taught me
Is to run away and hide.
I sicken of your plastic(ness)
Your facade of utter might.
Always sneaking and withholding
And bending 'til it's right.
Progressively you've become
An opinionless puppet and pawn.
Sealed the deal when the seed was sown,
Soul owned with the birth of it's spawn.
I am barren and woeful.
Rescue me from isolation,
Deliver me from solitude.
Pallid & vacant,
I long to be doted on.
Here's a funny tidbit! Less than a year after I wrote this poem, I GOT MARRIED. After you read it, you'll see the irony.
It seems there will always be
Sorrow in solitude.
My addiction to affection,
it never rests.
And so I often find my mind at wander,
Apparently I am obsessed;
With the contemplation of union,
A concept that could be my demise.
The thought need not be entertained
When the act in its entirety I despise...
Commitment is corruption.
Emotions are entrapment.
Marriage, a mistake.
LOVE is a LIE.
Soft & sweet, I accept it.
That I can not deny my longing
To be adored & doted upon
And so I am torn apart in my need for belonging.
Liberation is empty.
Once set free, I am just alone.
Independence is deception.
Each fear more frightening,
All music possesses a more somber tone.
I face each party with a grin,
Though, inside I cower in tears,
I hide my frustration in smiles,
My weakness will never fall upon your ears.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I, honestly think it's stress, but here's what I found on webmd.com:
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or PMDD, is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS, but are severe enough to interfere with work, social activities, and relationships.
How Common Is PMDD?
What Causes PMDD?
As with PMS, the exact cause of PMDD is not known. Most researchers, however, believe PMDD is brought about by the hormonal changes related to the menstrual cycle. Recent studies have shown a connection between PMDD and low levels of serotonin, a chemical in the brain that helps transmit nerve signals. Certain brain cells that use serotonin as a messenger are involved in controlling mood, attention, sleep and pain. Therefore, chronic changes in serotonin levels can lead to PMDD symptoms.
What Are the Symptoms of PMDD?
The symptoms of PMDD can include any of the following:
- Mood swings
- Depressed mood or feelings of hopelessness
- Marked anger, increased interpersonal conflicts
- Tension and anxiety
- Decreased interest in usual activities
- Difficulty concentrating
- Change in appetite
- Feeling out of control or overwhelmed
- Sleep problems
- Physical problems, such as bloating
If you have it they have prescriptioned birth control you can take to correct it- if you're lucky enough to have the money to pay for it, or insurance.
Anyway- we figured it out. Not before I had a chance to panic to family in PA & create some drama.. ugh.. More governt help. Makes me feel like a loser. But I'm doing what I can as much as I can and I feel like that counts for something. I'm trying to keep looking at things on the longterm to keep from stressing out. Once in a while it's hard to filter out the ANTs(I learned this term from a televised seminar on mental health solutions on MD Public Television, which is also where I discovered herbal alternatives to psychotropic medication, it means Automatic Negative Thoughts).
Not interested, unfortunately, in the posting subjects on cafe mom.
Soon, though. I thought I'd have internet access in the new private home that I'm working in, but alas, I was wrong.
I do like it, however. My client is a sweetheart. The poor dear, though, he's been stressed as his favorite staff member is in the hospital and the only two days I've been there so far he slept almost all day. No worries, though, it gave me a chance to get caught up w/ my library book on the celts and become enamored with the computer game; MahJong Quest.. holy lord is that addictive. And fun. I have high scores on almost every level I've played and the puzzles are challenging. I taught myself how to play- it's a tad different than the regular mah jong.
Check it out! http://www.iwin.com/categories/games/free
They have a lot of fun stuff on there. My last game addiction was peggle. That's a variation of pinball. Also very fun.
That's all for today. Hopefully more soon & not more than a week this time.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Well, the car was towed by the city and the tow cost was $150 and it's $25 a day until we can get legal tags and get the car out. The relative I'm buying the car from is.. well, difficult and we're having trouble getting the title to get tags in the state we're living.
If we can't get the car out today, we'll be paying $275 on monday plus the cost of tags.
Makes it difficult to wipe the turds from one's glasses, the fact that it's always something threatening to induce the anxiety attacks I've been fighting off for so long.
The trip was wonderful, however, though nookyless. The beach was beautiful, especially yesterday. I got to go to the bar for the 3rd time in my life(The Irish Pub, very nice) and had a couple of delicious long island iced teas and a lot of cheap beer. We wondered the boardwalk for hours, ate some delicious fried food and entertained ourselves with good conversation and random sights. I got to spend a lot of quality time with the Hubby and there was even a little time for self-discovery without the munchkins being around.
I learned that even without my meds I've gained some control over my emotions which is breathtakingly reassuring. I love being a woman but I hate the nuisance of the feelings involved. And maybe some of the physical aspects as well, but that goes without saying.
But it's been more than two days now since I've seen my babies and everyone directly involved is not taking it very well.
My mother actually tried to have me listen to Taven scream because he's inconsolable. I feel as though that's a bit inconsiderate as well as counterproductive and completely unneccessary. But she's stressed, I know. Unfortunately she has a knack for being self-absorbed when she's stressed and that's currently adding to my own stress.
Yay, more stress. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to fix everything and I'd really like to think that as long as I keep on everything will work out and be ok, all the detours is just making keeping that mindset possible.
Wish me luck!
Oh, I joined CafeMom.com recently.
When I have more time and am less stressed out I'd like to share one of the topics brought up in a forum I'm apart of, involving prostitution. That will most likely be the next post.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I'm a morbid person. The story in Home is comforting to me in a way that horror movies are a comfort.. things aren't that bad in my life. It puts things into perspective.
I've always kind of hated people also.. I don't know if it's an honest distaste or if it's a defense mechanism, but my view has barely wavered over the years. I have a lot of issues.. but lately, and I can't pinpoint an exact cause, my biggest issue has been with men.
Hormones via pregnancy have made me kind of emo(not in the sense that I listen to crap music, just more emotionally invested in the negative, it's my slang for "pussy," I guess. Ouch. Sorry, emo kids) and I've noticed no real pattern, except maybe the misunderstanding and lack of sympathy I got from men during my pregnancy. All the men in my life EXCEPT my dad quickly grew weary of my ability to do NOTHING(imagine how I felt, aside from being burden my selfesteem plummeted and needless to say I didn't think much of myself). Before I got married a lot of my friends had testicles and unfortunately now I want to tear the testicles dangle before me OFF.
The chauvenist jokes.. the stupid comments.. the treatment of women I see in general makes me want to commit menocide and take a long, hot shower.
I never cared before. I believe firmly that men are the idiots controlled by their sex organs and let them say what they must to keep some security in their weakness.. And then, it wasn't resentment. Just an observation of a combination of all men I valued in some way. "Poor beasts," I'd say.
And furthermore, I enjoyed my male friends above my female friends(except Tree) because they were more fun and less drama.
I think I have a deep hatred for people because of a lack of trust and continual disappointment. I mean to say nothing negative about my parents, but I know it started there. There were lies, on my father aspect there were feelings of abandonment and to this day I remember the days of Mommy and Daddy and Me, I remember being IN LOVE with my parents and it all went down hill when they split before I was even eight years old.
My mother was a good single mom, hard-working(more so than you can ever imagine, or than I care to go into detail about), nurturing and supportive. She had a tendancy to be overly critical, however, when it came to things she didn't like, and was often hurtful in her quest to change me. She lied to me a lot in my life.. She did it to protect me and I know it's true, but I was so crushed(every time) I found out, because when I was the only child I was her best friend and she'd cry to me and tell me everything. I felt betrayted. Later on when she was having issues growing back up after the freedom leaving my dad permitted her, I began to feel even more betrayed because I viewed her friends as above me in her eyes. I still feel that way now in relation to then. Now she's much more family oriented, but it is 14 years later.. however after the birth of my brother and sister and her marriage to the step father I have no relationship with, I do feel at the end of her list.
My father had some chemical issues, he claims he was depressed that we were all so far away(my mom moved us two hours away when they split) and he did what he did as a result. Fortunately he's picked himself back up now and has come around to be a decent person just in time for his grandchildren.. and I forgive him, I love him, but I will never forget.
I always had a decent relationship with my siblings. My little sister felt like my own when we lived together and my brother is still, for the most part, one of my best friends. Though he's 16 and has a tendancy to ditch me for his "homies."
My grandmothers above all else are the people in life I know I can always trust. The rest of my extended family is often questionable.. I have a cousin who, to my knowlege, has been able to keep my secrets, but when I really need to spill it I really want to talk to one or both of my Wonderful Grandmothers.
I feel lucky that I have them, some people don't have anyone they truly trust. The problem with your grandma is there are TONS of things you'd never want them to know about you.. or that you'd really rather live your whole life without hearing about them.
Tree is my best friend and has been(except for a year in the middle when we had a small falling out in which I could have killed one of her bitch friends for creating more drama.. but that's another story) for about 8 years now.
Before her.. was Daniel.
I've mentioned him before but briefly..
He was major betrayel aswell. But I no longer blame him. When we were 14 his idiot parents insisted on medicating him because he wore all black and painted his nails and peirced himself with safety pins.. may sound odd to some, but to me that's typical teen rebellion. Not for me, my parents are metal heads, but you get it. It's a lifestyle that you grow out of to some extent but I feel he deserved support from his parents, they believed he needed paxil.
He abused it.
He had a psychotic episode one night after a few tiffs with his family and I just so happened to be grounded. He hung himself from his bunk bed with a belt. He died in the hospital. His little sister told me the next morning when I came to pick him up for school.
We were morbid.. we gave eachother scar tattoos.. and we hated people and were sometimes a little angsty. We talked about suicide but meant to make a production of it TOGETHER if ever.. but he left me and for a long time I was alone. And then I found Tree.
And.. Chrisby. That fuck. He was who I thought was my best friend when Tree and I were at it. He ditched me as soon as I got pregnant telling me, after all the drama he'd dragged me through being an ungrateful brat to his family, that I was too much drama. *Gag*
Then there was the couple I adopted when I moved to Hag's Town. They were unemployed and when I smoked and did "drugs" I also went to school and worked and I was their transportation as well as their ciggarettes and bud. They were good to me in other senses and made me feel great about myself, but then I met my hubby and he refused to let them walk on me.. then they were gone. I talked to them randomly after that until they split up and she went to Cali and he brought drama to my railer park this past newyears.
Then the Hubby and I had some problems. We used to swing.. rules were broken and I didn't think we'd ever recover. Our relationship.. you'd have to see us alone to understand what I really have in a mate. I never thought either of us capable of betrayel. I was wrong. But we're recovering, thankfully and I think we both learned from the ordeal.
I suppose the people meaning most to me in life that have really messed things up for me have been men and that's where the anger comes from.
But I want to be over it. Hate, to me, seems like a sickness because it can make you feel really ugly and, honestly, sick. There are times where I hear the comments men make and I feel, literally, nautious.
My neighbor, before they moved, used to talk about how young girls especially, but generally any girl that's single has a "loud vagina." And his definition was that they did and said things that were flirty and outgoing to catch the attention of anyone with a penis. His definition was less articulate, though, as he's kinda young and not the scholar I am(being the beauty school drop out and all). The context he used it in was to say that I don't have a loud vagina. The funny thing to me is, though, I used to be quite the Pimpette(slut) and I'm natrually flirty by nature. I'm lewd. I'm surely a pervert. And I studied paraphilia(fetishes and sexual obsessions as a grouping, I.E Coprophilia; the sexual attraction to feces) for about a year, in addition to working a few months in a porn-store.[I think the reason people look at me that way is because I'm so much like a guy. I flirt like a guy. I talk about a lot of things in a manner mostly men use.] And when I'm me, I'm not creating lines between which reads "FUCK ME," I'm just filthy. And I get away with it. Why me???
Other women are filthy and flirty and the men they talk to immediately think they want to fuck. Some men mistake niceties as flirting. It's just unnerving.
Anyway, I started a new e-mail just for this page and adsense. If you're interested in seeing me cover something in this blog or want to ask me something or need to get ahold of me for any reason, reach me at;
firstname.lastname@example.org PLEASE NO CHAIN MAIL and no spam.
I'll be going out of town tomorrow morning. A couple of dear friends are taking us on vacation with them to Atlantic City. The babies will be with Grama and Nanna at Nanna(my mom)'s house.
My next blog, as of right now, will talk about paganism and how flaky pagans shouldn't be on tv.. ugh.. make me look bad!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Top 10 Facts About Nuclear Energy
1. There are 104 commercial nuclear power plants producing 20 percent of all electricity and over 70 percent of the emission-free electricity generated in the United States. They are located at 64 sites in 31 states.
2. More than 400 nuclear power plants worldwide produce 16 percent of the world’s electricity—while reducing CO2 emissions by more than 2 billion metric tons per year.
3. Nuclear energy supplies electricity each year to serve 60 million homes.
4. Nuclear energy has one of the lowest environmental impacts of any electricity source. For example, a wind farm would need 235 square miles to produce the same amount of electricity as a 1,000-megawatt nuclear power plant.
5. Nuclear energy is by far the nation’s largest source of electricity that does not emit any controlled air pollutants, providing 73 percent of the electricity from all carbon-free sources, including hydroelectric, wind and solar.
6. Nuclear power plants provide low-cost, predictable power at stable prices and are essential in maintaining the reliability of the U.S. electric power system.
7. Nuclear power plants are able to produce abundant and low cost energy source because they use an enriched form of uranium for fuel. One uranium fuel pellet – the size of the tip of your little finger – is equivalent to 17,000 cubic feet of natural gas, 1,780 pounds of coal, or 149 gallons of oil.
8. The economic activity of a U.S. nuclear plant generates on average around $20 million in state and local tax revenues.
9. You would have to live near a nuclear power plant for over 2,000 years to get the same amount of radiation exposure that you get from a single diagnostic medical x-ray.
10. There are nearly 100 different nuclear medicine imaging procedures available today. An estimated 10 to 12 million nuclear medicine imaging and therapeutic procedures are performed each year in the United States.
This is not false, it checks out in several sources and while there is so much to learn on the subject I figure the people I write for would most appreciate this information. Thanks to cleansafeenergy.org for letting me steal part of your page for my readers.
Then you stumble around blindly for a little while, fall a little further, maybe hit the very bottom and in order to survive(in a loose sense it's still survival of the fittest) you have to stop taking things for granted. Wipe away your poo-colored glasses and look at the things in life worth living for.
Be it the satisfaction in the coercion of genuine laughter in your own spawn, the appreciation of your family over a home cooked meal, watching a DVD that you own and love for the 78th time with the man of your dreams, hearing your favorite song on the radio(this doesn't happen to me often.. I don't have internet and my favorite music is underground, nonetheless..) or dancing half naked and alone on your bed at three in the afternoon when you have time to yourself. Whatever it is, when you clean the poo-colored glasses one day you'll find a new meaning in life and it's truly libertating.
I love my country and the freedom it provides, but being a free-thinking, observant individual, I can't help but look at some of the past and some of the facts and be angry at big brother. This government uses it's scare tactics to terrify us. Keep us weak and afraid.. eat some more food.. smoke some more ciggarettes.. destroy your body and listen to everything we say because sickly, medicated, weak people can not start a revolution. They're too self-absorbed and blind. And even when they're thinking outside the box we're so overwhelmed by events and obstacles that we're convinced that we can't unify and overcome the bulljit we're forced to endure.
Watch SICKO by Micheal Moore. Look at France. Free healthcare, immediate vaction time in the work place, doctors make house calls for free at all hours and when you have a baby, the first three months someone employed by the government will visit you at home, cook meals for you, clean up for you and provide you with tips on caring for your little one. Mr. Moore presents you with the facts and in that documentary he takes people who put their lives on the line to help clean up the aftermath of 9/11(who were abandoned in their own personal aftermath of health complications due to their assistance in the clean up/ search and rescue by our government) to CUBA(who we're taught via propaganda for the war effort are bad, bad, bad!) to cost effectively treat their ailments. It takes less than a week. A WEEK. In cuba.. to do something they'd been waiting years for in The States.
Things like that infuriate me. We can send people to better the lives of other countries(to OUR liking, mind you) but we can't spend some of that money, energy and time to make this country more fair, more trustworthy, more viable for our people?
Sorry about the tangent.. My point is due to the news and such, there are a lot of people depressed and on medication.. seeking their groove.
For me... there were a lot of factors. There was the taxation of pregnancy on my mind and body, some maritual issues(No details yet.. maybe some day), a trip to the psych ward, the fact that I've always been pretty over weight, the many issues built up and locked away from my adolesence and finally the Hubby losing his job.. again.
Finally no one was there to be strong for me. I had to pick myself up and brush myself off and reobtain my Groove. I had to rediscover the strength in me I thought I'd lost forever.
And I did it. Visciously over-wheight, incredibly stressed out and still physically exhausted, I took control of my life again.
I did have some help from herbal supplements.. NOT POT, YOU DIRTY HIPPIES! No, I had to actively go on hiatus from any (potentially)poisonous substances(except nicotine.. it's a terrible habbit but the last one, in fact) & relearn how to take care of myself. I started taking kava kava for anxiety, fish oil for depression, super B complex for energy and green tea for hormonal balancing.. I'm bipolar so I've been taking lamictal via a perscription provided by my cousin. She was on 200mils three times a day and I only take 5o once, so it'll last me at least half a year til I can get my jit straight and start seeing a therapist again.
I work five days a week out of town at that department store I'm still not naming as I've got a little complaining to do.. which means I spend around an hour and a half in the car those days, approximately eight hours on my feet packing bread and pastries in bags and boxes and labling them and at the end of the night scrubbing everything down to perfection for the next morning.. and I HATE IT. I love that it's so physical because I've already lost some weight(even the Hubby notices), clothes fit differently, that sort of thing. I love that I'm making money and ultimately supporting my family. I love that I'm working in general as it's done great things for my self confidence and self esteem... but I work with all women.. and while they make me laugh a lot, THEY'RE ALL TWO FACED B*TCH*S... I guess I shouldn't say "all" as I don't know that for a fact.. but they've all worked together for so long and being there a little less than a month I've seen approximately 4/5 of them talk behind someone else's back. Sometimes even when the person is THERE.
I love women.. I'm acctually pretty gay(I know, I'm married. You can't help who you're attracted to or who you fall in love with.) and so I appreciate them on just about every level- but I can't stand the drama that comes packaged with MOST women.
My Tree is different. Drama follows her but she's excellent at not burdening me with it or bringing it to me.. plus it's not her fault as she's just a good person who attracts needy people. Myself included. I did well academically when she was in my life and as soon as we had our only falling out in 7 years I dropped beauty school. She's inspirational. That's why she's my best friend, I guess. (=
Anyway, I was just hired on for weekends near home at a private residence to assist a male sown syndrome patient. The pay is better also. I couldn't be happier. I'm looking for employment during the week. The Hubby and I are both applying at a local hospital where a friend of ours works as patient care techs. We actually printed out our resumes and he's on his way there now to turn in the applications. I feel really good about it. I hope we both get hired.. but I think we will.
I'm at the local library and I want to do a little more research on nuclear power so I'm going to end this blog, but I'll be posting another today.