Wednesday, December 30, 2009

On A Whim...

Fly off the handle.. fly by the seat of your pants.. IMPULSIVE. That's me.
I've always been so in the moment.. guess that's why I was a little slutty when I was on the market. And now... I guess that's why Chris and I fight like we do. I know that's why I've got the debt I've accrued, especially because my hubby is the same way.

Why can't people like us come with a warning or a manual. We're not bad people. We're not even stupid, we're just hard to show the big picture to. I wish I'd seen that sooner.

Ew, under all the revisions and self-molding I am so bitter and angry about what's gone wrong that it's hard to focus on what's right and maintain composure when all I want to do is scream at someone and throw punches. I am compelled to be violent and loud and angry and obtrusive... and inappropriate.

This is something I have to fight all the time. In public I feel like a freak-show because I'm full-figured and I have a particular style I refuse to deviate from, but I want people to look sometimes. I seek admiration- I seek... that look.

You know that look! The one that says; "Hey, come behind this wall with me and let me do things to you." And even though I never would it's SO hot it solidifies my prowess all day.

In person sometimes I'm a comedian.. I watch a lot of movies and some tv, even, these days(I used to despise television) and I quote a lot. I'm also somewhat of a complainer/soap-box dweller which can be fun but I think some people really don't like what I have to say even though it's educated and I take all belligerent tones out if I sense the necessity.

Before the amino acid treatment(L. Theanine) and still, sometimes, I'm kind of awkward. My drive to to be outrageous and grab your attention and make you adore me makes the part of me that doesn't want to disrespect or have others feel that I disrespect my hubby VERY uncomfortable.

I can be flat-out lewd. Once, recently, I described the proper way to enter a woman's anus with a penis to my husband's friend's new boyfriend... afterward, I felt like I had farted when the preacher paused in church. Aimee(the friend) smiled and laughed nervously and her boyfriend got all excited and told her "see, it doesn't have to hurt!" HA! My hubby thinks my lewdness is funny, but I try to always consider feelings. Love makes you think/do/feel crazy things.

We're no stranger to that.

Anyway, my reign of terror at the sister-in-law's ends this weekend. YAY! And tomorrow is my free day away from the children. What will I do?.... No idea, but I bet it ends with cleaning the shit out of my house.

Have a Happy New Year, All!!

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