This is fantastic, as Chris and I are fricken' nuts! Not like... abusive, neglecting, criminally insane or anything, just tics and emotional problems, mostly.
Reading through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, I've found out, what I thought was social phobia is really agoraphobia. According to the workbook, agoraphobics have a definite FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT, often, also, there's a fear of difficulty escaping, including but not limited to;
- Crowded public places(grocery stores, shopping centers, restaurants, etc.)
- Enclosed, confined spaces(tunnels, bridges, hallways, etc.)
- Public transportation
- Being at home alone
Since I've been herbally treating myself for the past year, my symptoms have lessened, most of them have even dissipated entirely. The fact of the matter, however, is that I have an irrational, overwhelming DREAD when it comes to going out sometimes, or, even being alone. I deserve to end this vicious cycle. My family never deserved to have suffered because of it(granted, they don't suffer much now, the spoiled brats, but everyone stands to gain if mommy is better).
Agoraphobics also have a tendency to fear losing control or going crazy. This was prevalent when I was recovering from surgery with my cesarean from Lylie, that first six months of her life.. I was terrified. Afraid to be around people, afraid to be out in public, afraid, really, to even be seen by ANYONE because I felt so big and saggy.. deformed.
I used to blame my fear of embarrassment on my step-father humiliating me in front of people, but I looked at the causes.. and it's a combination of environmental and hereditary influences, and environmentally what applied to me was the over-critical parent.
My mommy expected a lot of me. I was a brilliant child, what can I say? My grandmother and great-grandmother were over-critical parents as well. My aunt was pretty anti-social for a long time, but I have no proof she's agoraphobic- my uncle, same thing, pretty anti-social, no idea if he is or was ever agoraphobic. My mom meets the criteria in some respects, but if she has it it's mild.
No resentment, though, honestly. The advances in medicine and availability of the studies and recordings due to the internet is what will help me break the cycle, right? It's a miracle.
Also, knowing this, I feel as though, I can let go of a lot of the resentment I have for my step-father, though, as far as a relationship goes, I'm apathetic. I tried... kind of. I tried as much as I'm willing under the circumstances, but with the proper therapy and training I can be more comfortable around him and in "his" home.
I want to seek exposure therapy, group therapy and assertiveness training(I'm extreemely passive-agressive, which is ANNOYING, not just to me, but anyone who has to see it) rather than some mind-numbing psychotropic drug as my herbs have done me well. The work that's left is mental. I have to learn how to better behave and take control of uncomfortable situations instead of letting them control me.
For more information on these treatments, I highly suggest Webmd.com and wikipedia.com, as they're both treasure troves of valuable medical/psychological information.
Hey, I suppose it might make more sense to some why I have difficulty getting to the library or using the internet in general(other than having two children and no personal internet) with this information.
Some might think one wouldn't want the world knowing of such personal information. On the contrary, I want everyone I know to know the score. It's not you, it's me. That kind of thing. I've allowed lots of friendships to fall by the way-side, I think those people deserve an explanation, should they still seek it. I've been wonderfully blessed in my life. I meet amazing people all the time. Of course I've people who are not worth the seemingly never-ending stress they cause me, but my social skills are what has failed my friendships rather than a lack of opportunity.
Chris's biggest issues are depression and bi-polar, but he also suspects he may have skitzo-effective disorder, which isn't severe incase you may worry. The depression is a much bigger deal in all our eyes.
In addition to psychological issues, there's been some physical problems between Chris & I, also. Chris is still nursing over a decade old sports injury in his knee. He needs some kind of surgery on his Lateral Collateral Ligaments in his right knee, where as I've just got post pregnancy issues- STILL! Love my babies, but they tore me up all over, ha-ha.
Ever since my first cesarean I've had several NEW bodily issues. In my estimation, the brief bit I've learned of anatomy through cosmetology and independent study leads me to believe it's nerve related. Here's what I found on Web MD, I've listed only my symptoms.
Autonomic nerve damage may produce the following symptoms:
- too much sweating (known as hyperhydrosis)
- dry eyes and mouth
- bladder dysfunction(can't pee when I need to)
Sensory nerve damage may produce the following symptoms:
- tingling or prickling
- problems with positional awareness