Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Is It Time For Tea?

On my half hour ride from work ,when I still worked for that mysterious well-known department store, my favorite thing to listen to was Home, the album by King Diamond. My favorite of theirs, the track Welcome Home was featured in Kevin Smith's Clerks II the year before last which inspired me to start listening to it again.

I'm a morbid person. The story in Home is comforting to me in a way that horror movies are a comfort.. things aren't that bad in my life. It puts things into perspective.

I've always kind of hated people also.. I don't know if it's an honest distaste or if it's a defense mechanism, but my view has barely wavered over the years. I have a lot of issues.. but lately, and I can't pinpoint an exact cause, my biggest issue has been with men.

Hormones via pregnancy have made me kind of emo(not in the sense that I listen to crap music, just more emotionally invested in the negative, it's my slang for "pussy," I guess. Ouch. Sorry, emo kids) and I've noticed no real pattern, except maybe the misunderstanding and lack of sympathy I got from men during my pregnancy. All the men in my life EXCEPT my dad quickly grew weary of my ability to do NOTHING(imagine how I felt, aside from being burden my selfesteem plummeted and needless to say I didn't think much of myself). Before I got married a lot of my friends had testicles and unfortunately now I want to tear the testicles dangle before me OFF.

The chauvenist jokes.. the stupid comments.. the treatment of women I see in general makes me want to commit menocide and take a long, hot shower.
I never cared before. I believe firmly that men are the idiots controlled by their sex organs and let them say what they must to keep some security in their weakness.. And then, it wasn't resentment. Just an observation of a combination of all men I valued in some way. "Poor beasts," I'd say.

And furthermore, I enjoyed my male friends above my female friends(except Tree) because they were more fun and less drama.

I think I have a deep hatred for people because of a lack of trust and continual disappointment. I mean to say nothing negative about my parents, but I know it started there. There were lies, on my father aspect there were feelings of abandonment and to this day I remember the days of Mommy and Daddy and Me, I remember being IN LOVE with my parents and it all went down hill when they split before I was even eight years old.

My mother was a good single mom, hard-working(more so than you can ever imagine, or than I care to go into detail about), nurturing and supportive. She had a tendancy to be overly critical, however, when it came to things she didn't like, and was often hurtful in her quest to change me. She lied to me a lot in my life.. She did it to protect me and I know it's true, but I was so crushed(every time) I found out, because when I was the only child I was her best friend and she'd cry to me and tell me everything. I felt betrayted. Later on when she was having issues growing back up after the freedom leaving my dad permitted her, I began to feel even more betrayed because I viewed her friends as above me in her eyes. I still feel that way now in relation to then. Now she's much more family oriented, but it is 14 years later.. however after the birth of my brother and sister and her marriage to the step father I have no relationship with, I do feel at the end of her list.

My father had some chemical issues, he claims he was depressed that we were all so far away(my mom moved us two hours away when they split) and he did what he did as a result. Fortunately he's picked himself back up now and has come around to be a decent person just in time for his grandchildren.. and I forgive him, I love him, but I will never forget.

I always had a decent relationship with my siblings. My little sister felt like my own when we lived together and my brother is still, for the most part, one of my best friends. Though he's 16 and has a tendancy to ditch me for his "homies."

My grandmothers above all else are the people in life I know I can always trust. The rest of my extended family is often questionable.. I have a cousin who, to my knowlege, has been able to keep my secrets, but when I really need to spill it I really want to talk to one or both of my Wonderful Grandmothers.

I feel lucky that I have them, some people don't have anyone they truly trust. The problem with your grandma is there are TONS of things you'd never want them to know about you.. or that you'd really rather live your whole life without hearing about them.

Tree is my best friend and has been(except for a year in the middle when we had a small falling out in which I could have killed one of her bitch friends for creating more drama.. but that's another story) for about 8 years now.
Before her.. was Daniel.
I've mentioned him before but briefly..
He was major betrayel aswell. But I no longer blame him. When we were 14 his idiot parents insisted on medicating him because he wore all black and painted his nails and peirced himself with safety pins.. may sound odd to some, but to me that's typical teen rebellion. Not for me, my parents are metal heads, but you get it. It's a lifestyle that you grow out of to some extent but I feel he deserved support from his parents, they believed he needed paxil.
He abused it.
He had a psychotic episode one night after a few tiffs with his family and I just so happened to be grounded. He hung himself from his bunk bed with a belt. He died in the hospital. His little sister told me the next morning when I came to pick him up for school.
We were morbid.. we gave eachother scar tattoos.. and we hated people and were sometimes a little angsty. We talked about suicide but meant to make a production of it TOGETHER if ever.. but he left me and for a long time I was alone. And then I found Tree.
And.. Chrisby. That fuck. He was who I thought was my best friend when Tree and I were at it. He ditched me as soon as I got pregnant telling me, after all the drama he'd dragged me through being an ungrateful brat to his family, that I was too much drama. *Gag*
Then there was the couple I adopted when I moved to Hag's Town. They were unemployed and when I smoked and did "drugs" I also went to school and worked and I was their transportation as well as their ciggarettes and bud. They were good to me in other senses and made me feel great about myself, but then I met my hubby and he refused to let them walk on me.. then they were gone. I talked to them randomly after that until they split up and she went to Cali and he brought drama to my railer park this past newyears.

Then the Hubby and I had some problems. We used to swing.. rules were broken and I didn't think we'd ever recover. Our relationship.. you'd have to see us alone to understand what I really have in a mate. I never thought either of us capable of betrayel. I was wrong. But we're recovering, thankfully and I think we both learned from the ordeal.

I suppose the people meaning most to me in life that have really messed things up for me have been men and that's where the anger comes from.
But I want to be over it. Hate, to me, seems like a sickness because it can make you feel really ugly and, honestly, sick. There are times where I hear the comments men make and I feel, literally, nautious.

My neighbor, before they moved, used to talk about how young girls especially, but generally any girl that's single has a "loud vagina." And his definition was that they did and said things that were flirty and outgoing to catch the attention of anyone with a penis. His definition was less articulate, though, as he's kinda young and not the scholar I am(being the beauty school drop out and all). The context he used it in was to say that I don't have a loud vagina. The funny thing to me is, though, I used to be quite the Pimpette(slut) and I'm natrually flirty by nature. I'm lewd. I'm surely a pervert. And I studied paraphilia(fetishes and sexual obsessions as a grouping, I.E Coprophilia; the sexual attraction to feces) for about a year, in addition to working a few months in a porn-store.[I think the reason people look at me that way is because I'm so much like a guy. I flirt like a guy. I talk about a lot of things in a manner mostly men use.] And when I'm me, I'm not creating lines between which reads "FUCK ME," I'm just filthy. And I get away with it. Why me???
Other women are filthy and flirty and the men they talk to immediately think they want to fuck. Some men mistake niceties as flirting. It's just unnerving.

Anyway, I started a new e-mail just for this page and adsense. If you're interested in seeing me cover something in this blog or want to ask me something or need to get ahold of me for any reason, reach me at;
lameepiphanies11@rocketmail.com PLEASE NO CHAIN MAIL and no spam.

I'll be going out of town tomorrow morning. A couple of dear friends are taking us on vacation with them to Atlantic City. The babies will be with Grama and Nanna at Nanna(my mom)'s house.

My next blog, as of right now, will talk about paganism and how flaky pagans shouldn't be on tv.. ugh.. make me look bad!

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