Ch-ch-ch-changes

Really, I am just going back to regimens that I dropped while working and going to school full time. Now with the addition of a room mate I will be doing both part time and I can take care of myself and the people I love a little better.

#1. Home Pre-School. I have always given the children instruction and guidance and seized any opportunity to teach them about the world, but there was a time where they had structure in their schedule and a large portion of it was very fun learning.

Thanks to youtube's KidsTV123 I have a plethora of visual aides that the kids LOVE. Taking after mom, their favorites are what they call the "planet movie"s, one is just a ditty to help remind them of the order of the planets, the other is a song about the solar system.
Luckily, I also have a ton of books from freecycle, as well as the ones my little sister no longer uses. I still have a few packs of flash cards, crayons, colored-pencils, coloring books and other craft supplies for all kinds of fun learning adventures with my babies.

#2. Weekly work out regimen. A very good friend whom I went to high school with will be moving to the area this Monday. She is going to be my new gym buddy- 5 days a week.
In addition to that, the hubby has agreed to rise and shine early 4 days a week for a couples work out. My workouts at the gym will probably be longer since Chris can use the equipment at work, but I think it is a good healthy way for us to bond.

#3.Food Lover's Diet Plan

I bought this a few years ago and I LOVE it. The exercise portion is no longer necessary once my regimens begin, which, is, hopefully, this week. However, the recipes and snack suggestions will be fueling my shopping lists from here on out.

#4 Mass organization- I have a desk and a bedroom that needs organizing after throwing out some junk and freecycling some unnecessary items.

#5 Regular productive relaxation- meditation, yoga, isochronic tones, chanting and ritual will be more regular. Especially now that I have a killer headset that will block out all the noise of the house.

I figure it will be more of a motivator to share my plan publicly. Good motivation to write as well, which I know will suffer when classes start, tomorrow.

The Shift

In my own dark hole I rotted and died for a long, long time... people shared the sentiment. People expressed displeasure. People blamed chemical imbalances. People gave me excuses and experiences but never asked about the light at the mouth of the cave, and I don't blame them.

The only epiphany was hypocrisy to me. The only depth was found in loneliness, the only beauty found in pain. Those would have been the light then.. but it was all reflection. I was a decaying life form with subconscious desire to be happy and no one knew. I did not accept happiness. I scorned optimism. I taunted satisfaction. I detested simple stasis. I lacked these things and I embraced my darkness.

I maintained my melancholy though I attracted people to nurture and I always felt good about who I was until finally someone was truly dependent upon me. Then something went wrong and I started to actually hate the person I was becoming. I was afraid. Of. Everything. I did not live. I existed.

Disease? POVERTY? RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE!? MURDER!?! MOLESTATION!?!?

Panic. Hide. Dwell.

Tired, I was so tired. So very tired and drained of life and instead of enjoying my darkness, I now hated and feared that as well.

Well before The Secret, there is a great big book by Silver RavenWolf called "Solitary Witch," that after finally getting a good job, I started to flip through. I didn't have internet or a very good library to work with, but I had Solitary Witch and I dug right in for the second time in my life.

I looked at some of the less common themes that I had found too complicated when I was younger this time.. Astronomy, numerology, this is also when I decided I would master tarot.

THIS time in my life, I see it now, is when this Shift began. I defied the pain I felt every day and soon obsessed over moving or doing.. I craved purpose outside of maintaining a family because I knew I was meant for more. I stopped fearing people because I felt powerful again.

Learning ignited that blaze of exploring in me. Reading magazines and books do not always fulfill someone of my appetite. I devoured what was available to me, but I was connected spiritually to what I read in Solitary Witch. I took notes in my Grimoire and put the knowledge to use. Someone close to me showed me how easy going back to school could be and I chased it until it was mine.

Those actions shaped the world I live in today where I have a happy family, I am working toward a higher education, I am buying a car in perfect running condition and am leaving the trailer park in less than two months.

I do not fear sickness or death or loss or destruction. I embrace it all once more as a part of life. My opinion of myself is as positive as ever as I begin to feel better physically and look better, too. There are still echoes, remnants of a time where I could not stand to be alone or around anyone but Chris and the kids, that push things a little over that perfect balance. But those echoes are matched with the ecstasy of control and the bliss of connection and the completion of confidence that I feel EVERY day.

I cured all of my own maladies. I think that would make anyone awful sure of themselves.

The Yes Men Fix The World

Is a documentary I watched on ShoTime, one of my favorite channels that also shows Penn & Teller and several documentaries that have changed my perspective over the years.
It was Enlightening.. In the past 3 years of my life I've watched so many things that inspire rage that the hot feeling in my chest and face seemed familiar.. but I've decided that I'm a rageaholic, it's a defense mechanism, and so I've been redirecting my anger and replacing it(almost always successfully) with other emotions. In this case saddness.. And saddness does nothing, generally. But this blog is my contribution to what I hope will be revolution or at the very least, change.

The Yes Men are nonviolent activists. In this documentary they use scare tactics and rediculousness to inspire change. The biggest "prank" they pulled was posing on BBC as a representative of DOW and claiming to compensate victims of the Union Carbine incident. BBC found out their antics quickly and they were invited back and asked how they could disregard the building and smashing of hopes to the victims.. well they visited the victims to get their opinion and they were more than grateful. It's what should have been done. They made a global statement... That's what we need.

I hate to be all female about it, but I cried. It was motivating.
I have so much going on in my life, monetary restrictions and such, all I want to do is change the world so that my beautiful, wonderful babies have some semblence of a future, but I can barely feed us.. clothe us.. we're days, weeks at the most, away from losing our trailer. This is my only means of making a difference in this way.

The power was out for two days total, afternoon to afternoon. I went to the food bank today, as all the food in my refridgerator had expired. Disgustingly.
I envied the volunteers that I may help the needy instead of be it.
I tried to get applications, but the head who knew where they were is only in on mondays... another trip.. and no money for gas.

Chris got a call from the unemployment compensation agency last week and we faxed wages.. we thought for sure the money would have been in by now. We were wrong.

I owe so many people money.

As a contractor, I get a paycheck once a month. This friday is the 31st, my last day of work this month and the day I need to turn my timesheet in at the main office that's about twenty minutes away.
I have a quarter of a tank of gas..

Chris called again, yesterday. They STILL have not filed his paperwork.

The near future is a scary place for me.

We discussed it last night.. it's terrifying. We're both sick in the head and the walls are closing in.

I keep telling him(and myself) that we just need to hang in there. Keep pushing until he gets his checks and I get mine and everything will be ok. He can get his state ID and we can start going to therapy again. I don't think I'll ever take any medicines again, though. Once I can afford the herbal remedies I'll be ok. Right now I'm conserving and I'm not taking enough, but ince I can take the proper ammount I'll be one-hundred percent better. I know it.

Chris doesn't believe me.
He claims it's psychosematic, but I'm confident.

I don't think I'd have been able to continually wipe the shit from my glasses so often so easily. It's not easy.. but before, I'd have just given up. Just gone back to my comforts.. the blood and the poison. And I haven't. I've kept it together. My frustration prevails occasionally and I'm not as nice as I'd like to be... but I'm not robbing people or places or killing or even harming anyone.. and I've wanted to. Never have, always thought about it.

So, home I go. I'm hopeful for the future. Hopeful I'll get the money, pay the bills, find the means to make my difference.

We'll see.