Is a documentary I watched on ShoTime, one of my favorite channels that also shows Penn & Teller and several documentaries that have changed my perspective over the years.
It was Enlightening.. In the past 3 years of my life I've watched so many things that inspire rage that the hot feeling in my chest and face seemed familiar.. but I've decided that I'm a rageaholic, it's a defense mechanism, and so I've been redirecting my anger and replacing it(almost always successfully) with other emotions. In this case saddness.. And saddness does nothing, generally. But this blog is my contribution to what I hope will be revolution or at the very least, change.
The Yes Men are nonviolent activists. In this documentary they use scare tactics and rediculousness to inspire change. The biggest "prank" they pulled was posing on BBC as a representative of DOW and claiming to compensate victims of the Union Carbine incident. BBC found out their antics quickly and they were invited back and asked how they could disregard the building and smashing of hopes to the victims.. well they visited the victims to get their opinion and they were more than grateful. It's what should have been done. They made a global statement... That's what we need.
I hate to be all female about it, but I cried. It was motivating.
I have so much going on in my life, monetary restrictions and such, all I want to do is change the world so that my beautiful, wonderful babies have some semblence of a future, but I can barely feed us.. clothe us.. we're days, weeks at the most, away from losing our trailer. This is my only means of making a difference in this way.
The power was out for two days total, afternoon to afternoon. I went to the food bank today, as all the food in my refridgerator had expired. Disgustingly.
I envied the volunteers that I may help the needy instead of be it.
I tried to get applications, but the head who knew where they were is only in on mondays... another trip.. and no money for gas.
Chris got a call from the unemployment compensation agency last week and we faxed wages.. we thought for sure the money would have been in by now. We were wrong.
I owe so many people money.
As a contractor, I get a paycheck once a month. This friday is the 31st, my last day of work this month and the day I need to turn my timesheet in at the main office that's about twenty minutes away.
I have a quarter of a tank of gas..
Chris called again, yesterday. They STILL have not filed his paperwork.
The near future is a scary place for me.
We discussed it last night.. it's terrifying. We're both sick in the head and the walls are closing in.
I keep telling him(and myself) that we just need to hang in there. Keep pushing until he gets his checks and I get mine and everything will be ok. He can get his state ID and we can start going to therapy again. I don't think I'll ever take any medicines again, though. Once I can afford the herbal remedies I'll be ok. Right now I'm conserving and I'm not taking enough, but ince I can take the proper ammount I'll be one-hundred percent better. I know it.
Chris doesn't believe me.
He claims it's psychosematic, but I'm confident.
I don't think I'd have been able to continually wipe the shit from my glasses so often so easily. It's not easy.. but before, I'd have just given up. Just gone back to my comforts.. the blood and the poison. And I haven't. I've kept it together. My frustration prevails occasionally and I'm not as nice as I'd like to be... but I'm not robbing people or places or killing or even harming anyone.. and I've wanted to. Never have, always thought about it.
So, home I go. I'm hopeful for the future. Hopeful I'll get the money, pay the bills, find the means to make my difference.
We'll see.
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