Friday, October 8, 2010


When I was on medication my dreams were very vivid and nonsensical. The common theme these days, is a cycle. Sometimes I close my eyes for a second and then I open them and it is morning and my children are calling for me. Sometimes I have long strings of dreams that either interconnect or do not at all. Right before menstruation, however, I seem to have very strong symbolic dreams or relatively mundane dreams that I am some one else.

Yesterday was the beginning and the two days leading up were very different


There is a school I visit in my dreams, often. It is unlike any school I have ever been to in real life or seen in any media. There are thick, black pillars everywhere that are decorated with nothing particularly eye catching. Walking in the front the first thing you see is a grand staircase with purple carpeting. There are always a lot of people there, this time none of them can see me but I have to try very hard NOT to look at them. I was not me, I was an attractive teen girl I have never seen before with a 70's style go-go hat that was suede, powder blue and sage green, huge, silver hoop earrings and a provocative suede, brown jumper. I had long, curly, dark hair.

There was some kind of assembly after school that I was rushing to and no matter where I went I kept running into Justin Timberlake. He never looked at me during this rush but, always said "pardon me, pretty lady," because he was literally walking into me. It was some how okay to look at him but I would not look at anyone else.

I sat in the back of the assembly and eventually Justin Timberlake was sitting next to me. This version of me found him irresistible (he is not really my type), but tried to resist because of some unclear commitment. We flirted a lot and talked for a long time, eventually winding up at this party. I remember keeping my eyes focused solely on him because he was beautiful and the rest of the party was ugly and when my gaze drifted I started to feel like something was wrong because I noticed almost everyone was watching us. He continued to make advances and my defenses were weakening. When we were conversing and looking at each other I was filled with euphoria and no one else was even there to me.

Eventually he had me on his lap and sex was about to happen, then his body went limp and closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep- or actually was, though it was very sudden and dramatic.

As soon as this happened I started to feel self-conscious and afraid though no one was doing or saying anything. I started to get up but then he was all over me again, speaking to me, looking at me. But the spell was broken and all I could see was all of those eyes looking so expectantly, finally seeing me and in an unfavorable light.

Now, this is all very symbolic. The school has always been responsibility. In each dream that it has appeared there has been a lot of responsibility to be taken in many areas. It is most appropriate here because of my academic pursuits and the stress therein.

I am every woman here, therefore I am also me and probably mostly me because of the implied anxiety (the one weakness I refuse to excuse and maybe kind of loathe). Striving for originality, avoiding judgement and forever being tripped up by the ideals that a relationship presents:

Someone attractive to always look at, someone interesting to always talk to, someone bright to dispell the darkness.

To me, public sex is a good time. I am an exhibitionist and love to be watched. Not so much, here. Here I forget I am being watched and nobody looks at me or can see me until I am about to do something less than commendable in the eyes of society. When the situation turns unfavorable for me I realize I am being exposed and worse, there is no reaction. Thus illustrating my fear that I am as awful as everyone expects me to be regardless of what the few biased parties are able to convince me.

Summary: I am feeling stressed about many responsibilities needing attention all at once. After having it laid out in front of me in Human Sexuality, I am still thoroughly disturbed about the sexual double-standard. I feel compelled to act on it, but am unsure how, yet. I am worried that I will not live up to the expectations I have for myself and therefor fear everyone is thinking I am a loser and that they are right.

Keep in mind the first and last are concerns that will always have an impact because I now choose to ignore them rather than address them and they have to express themselves somewhere.

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