In French that is fish and I say it over and over again and Rosetta Stone scoffs at me like I am an idiot. So I'll give it a day. Maybe I will have better pronounciation tomorrow.
So, fighting to stay positive is a pretty crazy roller coaster. My brain needs time to reset itself and my body needs some TLC but all I can do is obsess over things that essentially cause me pain. Why? Well because I was cursed with a vagina and the largely useless ability to feel EVERYTHING. Love is supposedly the most powerful idea in existence, but the more I love people the more they hurt me. The worst part is that it is never malicious anymore, if you are thinking "why is that so bad?" I will tell you. I am unhappy with myself for being so easily wounded by a lack of consideration and it inspires out-right rage.
This deep crimson cloud fogs up my head on nearly a daily basis.. but I know it is just from being tired. I need to take better care of myself, but someone needs me for something and I have to present myself, then I am behind in my responsibilities and even more pissed at myself. So I try to let it go- but of course, when it is brought to your attention, that makes it hard.
At this point I wonder.. how have I not disconnected myself wholly from negative emotion? Knowing what I know and feeling what I feel.. it seems all too perfect. Yet I can not remove myself unless physically, and even then I feel gross about it until I can truly not think about it with regularity.
I have been thinking about the people who have had the biggest influence in my life and aside from a select few, it seems I lose the ones who treat me the best. I am trying to make peace with the fact that to most people I am just not important. I am important to Chris & my kids and some of my friends, but to most other people it would be fine if I was as invisisble as I sometimes feel. Maybe that is not nice to say, but it is how I feel. A phone works both ways but mine doesn't have long distance.
I try to tell myself I am working toward that beautiful life I see in my head but sometimes it feels like I am working on my own with absolutely no support. The people around me, when they fall apart I am there to wipe their tears and give them some perspective.. but in my moments of darkness there is but an echo of the support I provide unless I force myself to seek it and I DETEST pity, but that seems to be all I get.
I am truly thankful for the people in my life. They are just as busy and just as diverse in their emotional spectrum (generally speaking) as I am and I realize that they are not inconsiderate with intent... how am I supposed to shut off that rage, though? How am I supposed to take it in stride when I put so much effort into being considerate to everyone else?
The things that work are exercise and meditation. And I plan to do those things every day, but with out fail, almost every day something disrupts my plans and either I am interrupted or I have to stress to squeeze in the execise.. and the meditation just has not been happening at all because it is never quiet, comfortable and calm all at the same time where I am at. My brain needs a fucking break! As much as I love music, I cannot wish I was deaf, but to be able to shut off my hearing, that would be amazing.
I am trying to focus on infinite time and space. I try to picture myself as my own burning star in lightyears of emptiness. It is so confusing to want so badly to be alone and at the same time feel so very alone and in need of beneficial company.
So into this text field, I release my heart ache and vow to start over fresh in the morning. Just like I do after every rag. Stupid hormones.