Boudicca Reincarnated

Scarred and scorched and recovered from lame,
Marred and torched and accused of blame,
Arisen, I stand, and you'll speak my name,
You'll burn to touch me, ignite the flame.

I have triumphed over all that conquered and claimed me
I have gasped for breath atop those who've restrained me,
I've gone feral with passion for those seeking to tame me,
I have returned. . . from being insane.

I Am A Warrior Woman.

Through injustice, abuse, neglect; I perservere,
Voluptuous, robust, ferocious, and fierce!
What I want I shall have, though you try, you shall not halt me.
Now come, let me take you, I pray thee, exalt me.

On A Whim...

Fly off the handle.. fly by the seat of your pants.. IMPULSIVE. That's me.
I've always been so in the moment.. guess that's why I was a little slutty when I was on the market. And now... I guess that's why Chris and I fight like we do. I know that's why I've got the debt I've accrued, especially because my hubby is the same way.

Why can't people like us come with a warning or a manual. We're not bad people. We're not even stupid, we're just hard to show the big picture to. I wish I'd seen that sooner.

Ew, under all the revisions and self-molding I am so bitter and angry about what's gone wrong that it's hard to focus on what's right and maintain composure when all I want to do is scream at someone and throw punches. I am compelled to be violent and loud and angry and obtrusive... and inappropriate.

This is something I have to fight all the time. In public I feel like a freak-show because I'm full-figured and I have a particular style I refuse to deviate from, but I want people to look sometimes. I seek admiration- I seek... that look.

You know that look! The one that says; "Hey, come behind this wall with me and let me do things to you." And even though I never would it's SO hot it solidifies my prowess all day.

In person sometimes I'm a comedian.. I watch a lot of movies and some tv, even, these days(I used to despise television) and I quote a lot. I'm also somewhat of a complainer/soap-box dweller which can be fun but I think some people really don't like what I have to say even though it's educated and I take all belligerent tones out if I sense the necessity.

Before the amino acid treatment(L. Theanine) and still, sometimes, I'm kind of awkward. My drive to to be outrageous and grab your attention and make you adore me makes the part of me that doesn't want to disrespect or have others feel that I disrespect my hubby VERY uncomfortable.

I can be flat-out lewd. Once, recently, I described the proper way to enter a woman's anus with a penis to my husband's friend's new boyfriend... afterward, I felt like I had farted when the preacher paused in church. Aimee(the friend) smiled and laughed nervously and her boyfriend got all excited and told her "see, it doesn't have to hurt!" HA! My hubby thinks my lewdness is funny, but I try to always consider feelings. Love makes you think/do/feel crazy things.

We're no stranger to that.

Anyway, my reign of terror at the sister-in-law's ends this weekend. YAY! And tomorrow is my free day away from the children. What will I do?.... No idea, but I bet it ends with cleaning the shit out of my house.

Have a Happy New Year, All!!

X-Mas Begins..

Check it out, a friend of mine posted THIS on facebook. Hilarious. It's called X-Mas Origins; Santa Clause.

It seems every year something keeps me from the spiritual celebration of Yule. The mundane is consuming, loud, overwhelming...

But this XMas was lovely.
It's near 2:30 and the children have fallen to their first sugar-induced-coma. We're house sitting for my sister-in-law and her girlfriend while they visit my brother-in-law and his girlfriend and children in FL.

We're about 45 mins from home and the weather isn't the best, so I brought I few things yesterday when I went home to check on Aya and Jayne(the kitties) and pick up a few other things. Chris wasn't feeling well last night so after the kids went down(8p) he got a back rub and a nap and when he woke up(10p) he was so thankful that I got a backrub which led to excellent x-mas booty.

Yesterday while chris was out picking up the last-minute baked goods, the neighbor stopped in(a nice older lady named Maria who is native to Italy) and dropped off a large bag of her own baked goods and candy. The children dug. Hence the coma this afternoon.

My sister-in-law has recently adopted three foster children and has been VERY busy as of late and so no preparation went into decor in her home, but we put up a little statue of Santa in his silver duds and a big twinkling pink and red wreath and a fiber-optic shopping scene with a fountain that sings Christmas carols on a little end table, and after we wrapped the few gifts I brought, we arranged them in and under the table.

This morning Chris made turkey sausage gravy and we had turkey sausage gravy and egg with cheese on sandwiches before bringing the children downstairs and letting them tear things up.

We put the toys in totes with other toys like them and wrapped them together(Taven and Lylie are two and one and seem disinterested in tearing the wrapping paper off, anyhow) so we could control the mess and it was a success!! We played with each tote separately and put everything away before moving on to the next.

They still have a kitchenette and tool bench at home that needs to be set up and organized into totes.

My sister-in-law and her family comes back on the 4th and Chris and the children will still be there this weekend when I go to work. On the plus-side I havetime to complete the project of going through their toys and junking the broken and donating the neglected to GoodWill.

This time of year when status is so evident to us all and guilt rises from what couldn't be done, it's good to think about those of us spending the holidays alone or with much less to celebrate.
Do your best to help others when they're in need and you're available. Carry some shopping bags for someone struggling, hold a door for someone who's got their hands full, shovel a walk for an elderly neighbor, donate toys to toys for tots or warm clothes or canned goods to the homeless shelter, volunteer your time- you never realize how much it's appreciated until you see the effect.

When I've had times to get things organized and time and money is easier to come by, that's my goal. I wanted to volunteer at the food bank this summer but I got a job and time got shorter and shorter. Taven and Lylie do NOT like to share mommy, hehehe..

A certain kind of pride comes with philanthropy. Not much can compare, really.

New Age Witch Hunt

No, the inquisition isn't out accusing all the powerful women and successful alternative believers of being witches or burning them, torturing them, etc., they've found a new way of control. Boycotting. If you've ever driven past an abortion clinic or been to a gay club, you know what that consists of. It gets worse when more money's involved and you give a percentage of your earnings to the church if you belong. This is the ridiculous type of thing that your money is going towards. Is it worth it?

His Dark Materials, the trilogy by English author, Philip Pullman, is what inspired the 2007 film, The Golden Compass, which is based on the first book, Northern Lights. There are two more books(hence, trilogy) of which the director Chris Weitz and producer Deborah Forte have expressed their intention to make sequels based upon, according to an article posted July 20th on christianpost.com.

This excerpt was taken from the above link;

'Before its release, The Golden Compass received heavy criticism from some faith-based organizations for the source material's anti-Christian and atheistic themes, as well as from secular organizations and fans of His Dark Materials for the dilution of the religious elements from the novels.

While the film was successful overseas, making around $300 million, it made only $70 million in the United States, which some attributed to the boycotting of the film.

New Line Cinema, the film’s distributor, reportedly commissioned Hossein Amini to write a screenplay based on the second book in the trilogy, The Subtle Knife, potentially for release in late 2009, with the third book of the trilogy, The Amber Spyglass, to follow. However, New Line president Toby Emmerich has reportedly stressed that production of the second and third films was dependent on the financial success of The Golden Compass.

Golden Compass Producer Deborah Forte, on the other hand, has vowed to make the second and the third movie, claiming that they “have to.”

"I will make 'The Subtle Knife' and 'The Amber Spyglass,'" she told Variety Magazine this past March. "I believe there are enough people who see what a viable and successful franchise we have."'

Posted December16th on catholicleague.com was this little tidbit, entitled "No Sequel To 'The Golden Compass"';

'Catholic League president Bill Donohue comments on reports that there will be no sequel to “The Golden Compass,” the movie based on the first book of a trilogy by English author Philip Pullman:

Two years ago, the Catholic League launched a boycott of “The Golden Compass” in the hope that Christian parents would keep their children away from the film and thus not be inclined to buy them His Dark Materials, the trilogy of pro-atheist books aimed at young people. We also wanted to discourage the possibility that producers would make a movie of “The Subtle Knife,” the second book of the trilogy. We knew we succeeded in the first goal, and had every reason to believe we were going to win on the second one. Now Pullman has confirmed our victory: there will be no sequel.

Pullman has been widely quoted in Britain taking aim at me for my alleged “triumphalism.” The accusation is accurate. I am positively gloating. Cheers, everyone!'

I must say as a parent, that there are movies made for children that I wouldn't approve of for my children until they're older and I can explain certain things to them... That is your responsibility as a parent. You decide what is appropriate for your child/ren.

I am appalled by the efforts of the catholic church to completely blacklist this series. We live in a country famed for freedom of expression which includes all forms of media. Once again a faith's fear due to a lack of understanding takes away from people with the proper education and sense to keep their faith and base their view on facts rather than a fantasy series of novels.

My husband and I adored The Golden Compass and were thrilled when we realized there were books and what we thought was a definite sequel.

I support all faiths, because you need faith, in my opinion, to get you through the rough times and keep you working towards the positive, but Christianity is one of the youngest religions in the world based on all the ancient faiths, re-written to justify behavior and keep certain people in power. Here, with the prevalence of ignorance and fear, the discrimination and closed-mindedness continues to ruin the enjoyment of those of us seeking entertainment when we're not taking care of our families.

I don't hail to the christian faith specifically. I hold some beliefs in my personal path, but I'm mostly PAGAN. Guess what? I'm not out killing people because I don't agree with them. I don't steal, I don't lie(much), I'm faithful to my husband, respectful to my parents and all elders and I'm forever trying to help people. I even do assisted living as a source of employment.

Christians will tell you that I am evil or delusional because I do magic and use tools of divination to better my existence and help others, what does that tell you? That they're going based on indoctrination they, themselves, have experienced and know NOTHING outside of what they were forced to believe.

ACCEPT DIVERSITY. We will never be of one race or creed as a whole. Different people is what makes the world. You don't have to agree with others, that's your right, but you may as well accept it.

I have the right as an American, as an adult, as a HUMAN BEING to choose my entertainment. I'm disgusted that an organization has ANY say.

Believe what you believe, by all means. Especially if it enriches your life. However, you, personally, have not been charged with the job of ridding the world of evil(which by the way has no embodiment with a name, but came from the terror, pain and injustice that PEOPLE just like you and me brought against one another). Don't see an atheistic movie or allow you kids to if that makes you feel better, but the rest of us would like the choice.

Interesting Medical tidbits...

Due to certain government reforms, my whole family has recently received medicaid.

This is fantastic, as Chris and I are fricken' nuts! Not like... abusive, neglecting, criminally insane or anything, just tics and emotional problems, mostly.

Reading through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, I've found out, what I thought was social phobia is really agoraphobia. According to the workbook, agoraphobics have a definite FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT, often, also, there's a fear of difficulty escaping, including but not limited to;

• Crowded public places(grocery stores, shopping centers, restaurants, etc.)
• Enclosed, confined spaces(tunnels, bridges, hallways, etc.)
• Public transportation
• Being at home alone

Agoraphobics also often have a "safe person." This person for me has been Chris since we've been together. This person often must accompany them EVERYWHERE. There are some cases where a person will not leave their bedroom unaccompanied. Agoraphobics also tend to fear what people think. They panic and sometimes have panic attacks and fear having them in the presence of others as well as the others' reactions to said attack.

Since I've been herbally treating myself for the past year, my symptoms have lessened, most of them have even dissipated entirely. The fact of the matter, however, is that I have an irrational, overwhelming DREAD when it comes to going out sometimes, or, even being alone. I deserve to end this vicious cycle. My family never deserved to have suffered because of it(granted, they don't suffer much now, the spoiled brats, but everyone stands to gain if mommy is better).

Agoraphobics also have a tendency to fear losing control or going crazy. This was prevalent when I was recovering from surgery with my cesarean from Lylie, that first six months of her life.. I was terrified. Afraid to be around people, afraid to be out in public, afraid, really, to even be seen by ANYONE because I felt so big and saggy.. deformed.

It's improved.

I used to blame my fear of embarrassment on my step-father humiliating me in front of people, but I looked at the causes.. and it's a combination of environmental and hereditary influences, and environmentally what applied to me was the over-critical parent.

My mommy expected a lot of me. I was a brilliant child, what can I say? My grandmother and great-grandmother were over-critical parents as well. My aunt was pretty anti-social for a long time, but I have no proof she's agoraphobic- my uncle, same thing, pretty anti-social, no idea if he is or was ever agoraphobic. My mom meets the criteria in some respects, but if she has it it's mild.

No resentment, though, honestly. The advances in medicine and availability of the studies and recordings due to the internet is what will help me break the cycle, right? It's a miracle.

Also, knowing this, I feel as though, I can let go of a lot of the resentment I have for my step-father, though, as far as a relationship goes, I'm apathetic. I tried... kind of. I tried as much as I'm willing under the circumstances, but with the proper therapy and training I can be more comfortable around him and in "his" home.

I want to seek exposure therapy, group therapy and assertiveness training(I'm extreemely passive-agressive, which is ANNOYING, not just to me, but anyone who has to see it) rather than some mind-numbing psychotropic drug as my herbs have done me well. The work that's left is mental. I have to learn how to better behave and take control of uncomfortable situations instead of letting them control me.

For more information on these treatments, I highly suggest Webmd.com and wikipedia.com, as they're both treasure troves of valuable medical/psychological information.

Hey, I suppose it might make more sense to some why I have difficulty getting to the library or using the internet in general(other than having two children and no personal internet) with this information.

Some might think one wouldn't want the world knowing of such personal information. On the contrary, I want everyone I know to know the score. It's not you, it's me. That kind of thing. I've allowed lots of friendships to fall by the way-side, I think those people deserve an explanation, should they still seek it. I've been wonderfully blessed in my life. I meet amazing people all the time. Of course I've people who are not worth the seemingly never-ending stress they cause me, but my social skills are what has failed my friendships rather than a lack of opportunity.

Chris's biggest issues are depression and bi-polar, but he also suspects he may have skitzo-effective disorder, which isn't severe incase you may worry. The depression is a much bigger deal in all our eyes.

In addition to psychological issues, there's been some physical problems between Chris & I, also. Chris is still nursing over a decade old sports injury in his knee. He needs some kind of surgery on his Lateral Collateral Ligaments in his right knee, where as I've just got post pregnancy issues- STILL! Love my babies, but they tore me up all over, ha-ha.

Ever since my first cesarean I've had several NEW bodily issues. In my estimation, the brief bit I've learned of anatomy through cosmetology and independent study leads me to believe it's nerve related. Here's what I found on Web MD, I've listed only my symptoms.

Autonomic nerve damage may produce the following symptoms:

• too much sweating (known as hyperhydrosis)
• light-headedness
• dry eyes and mouth
• constipation
• bladder dysfunction(can't pee when I need to)
  

Sensory nerve damage may produce the following symptoms:

• pain
• sensitivity
• numbness
• tingling or prickling
• burning
• problems with positional awareness

It's a good thing I'm married, for should I be seeking someone on my networking websites, reading this would surely turn everyone off.. but I get some regularly, so I can shock and disgust you with my fascinating medical maladies(anatomy, physiology and psychology all fascinate me, thoroghly, always have)! Aren't you lucky?

Education,Children And Long Lost Friends

I've been taking my sweet-ass time doing it but I'm filling out FAFSA forms with my taxes to go back to school @ Shepherd this year.
I'd like to get a doctorate in Psychology. I can earn my master's at Shepherd, but that gives me 8 years to decide where I'll take my final four years and save.
I've told everyone now, I think. Which sucks, because if I'm unable to start just yet due to student loans w/ Sallie Mae, I get to look like an even bigger ass. YAY!

The children are fantastic. As is Christopher.
Taven is speaking in complete sentances "But why, ma?,""No, that's bad!," "Yes, I want some.," etc. AND he's in the process of potty training. He's so big.
Lylie is cutting her 6th tooth and is walking and talking nearly as much a Taven.

They get each other and are good friends with lots of inside jokes that no one else gets. Lylie is super snuggly and lovable and LOVES to dance and Taven like to wrestle, play zombie/cannibal baby and watch nickelodeon/ movies. They both love books, though Taven would perfer to tear one up, while Lylie enjoys both chewing on them and reading them as well.

Jen, the neighbor, and I SWORE that night before last she was saying, "Yeah, that's sexy!" and about five or six times in a row.

I hang out with West Virginians, now. There are two Jennifers, one I work with, one lives next door. Chris and I hang out with the neighbors and thier children quite often. We used to hang out w/ the neighbors behind us, too, but I uess we've all just been busy...

Except Chris...

I still see my Tree and I FOUND JAMES! He's an ex who has also always been a great friend. I miss him dearly. We ran into each other totally by chance while I was getting money out for beer and he was going w/ a friend to blow money at the slots. He ended up bringing his friend to our Beer Pong tournamet, where Tree showed up & man, it was just like being in high school again.

And then, via facebook, I've gotten into contact with Matt from Frederick and Jay from Allentown. I also spoke to Amie, someone else who knows and has dated James, lol, though we met through Daniel.

Chris starts training for Captial Meats this week. And is actually going this time(hasn't worked out for the past month due to lots of unforseen circumstances).

Life is looking up, it's nice, for a change.

Up-Tempo, Down-Trodden

It's been a while since I've posted.
I was working a lot for a while.
Now I'm home all week and I work all weekend again. It's rather nice. I'll miss the money, however, as I'll see the last of it this or next weekend.

As I worked fifty-eight hours over four days or the past eight weeks I had A LOT of time. My fella I work for is rather indepenent as I may have mentioned and I'd have spans of hours where I could just read. Or watch TV, do yoga.. etc.

SO I started studying again. I picked up my independent studies I used to pine after in high school and I found a much deeper more involved faith than I remember ever having..

I'm not going to preach to you or go all SELF-HELP like I tend to these days, but I am going to say it's changing my life.

I'm still taking my herbs. I've upped the ante on the fish oil & started taking L. Theanine instead of kava kava, so I know that's taking effect as well, but truth be told, I RARELY experience anxiety anymore. When I do I have total control.

That's the main thing.

I'M IN CONTROL. People's actions and words make sense again, I get my kids, I can almost speak to my kitties... I cheer people up. I'm out-going, I'm friendly, I CALL PEOPLE.

It's FUCKING weird.

I started studying divination and astronomy(a bit of astrology, also). I've always dabbled w/ mythology, but Chris found me this awesome book(it's HUGE) and it only cost five bucks. It has a dictionary-esque feel to it and includes ancient mythology from Greece/Rome, the Celts, Egypt, and East and West Asia and surrounding areas.
Being a practitioner of what most call "the craft," I have the power(as does every living thing on this planet) to manipulate energy with that of my own AND I realize it.
Being witchy is something that's always made me smile.
It's easier to manipulate energy when a. You're working towards good and b. you know what you're up against(I've found, personally, some strange entity tends to gum up the works when I allow my workings to take a less positive approach, I blame Daniel).

The belief that everything living of the earth is made up of energy is a product of quantum physics. The laws within are what has ultimately solidified my faith.

SCIENCE IN RELIGION!?
This is the 21st century. Even those of the NEW religion have found a little back-up science.

Anyway. I discovered a fail-safe, cure-all, panacea/incantation. I stand by it as I've had success personally, but all of this "stuff" and the results are based entirely upon you, the strength within and the faith you have in yourself and in nature(our creator, we put faces on it sometimes, but it comes down to the elements and spirit, does it not?).

I don't recommend saying this, especially over and over, if witchcraft and things of the like make you uncomfortable. But if you are a magickal people, strum your own heart-strings and hold on!

This incantation is either anonymous, written by Silver Ravenwolf herself, or possibly an older pagan author she often refers to, and it contains the 13 powers of a witch. I'm just utterly comforted by it. I chant it out doors while I'm alone, sometimes serenely monotone, sometimes a song comes along with the words to my lips. Silver Ravenwolf's "Solitary Witchcraft, A New Generation; Book Of Shadows" is where I obtained it. She stands by that it works and is intensely potent.
I took latin in high school, I use Greco-Roman pantheons, specifically Juno & Apollo as they just kind of weave my energy well. Where it says [Juno's], feel free to insert your own diety that you, personally, connect with. Or simply "Spirit" would suffice.

"Thirteen powers do the witches claim,
Thier right of lineage by [Juno's] name,
Tie the knot and say the words,
Or hand on head- the blessing is conferred.
A witch can bring success in love,
Bless or curse through goddess above,
Speak to beasts and spirits alike,
Command the weather, cast out a blight,
Read the heavens and stars of the night,
Divine the future, give good advice,
Conjure treasure and bring fortune to bear,
Heal the sick, kill despair."

I did my own little esbat concerning said powers and now wear a "13 Powers Talisman" which, simply, is a collection of things I've taken from nature in the last year and arranged symbolically within the talisman it's self.

When you're pagan, you follow the witch's pyramid and Dare To Be Silent.. but this is something that's had great impact on the trejectory of my life and I felt I needed to share.

If you hate anything non-christian that scares you, pisses you off, etc. You have no right looking at this page anyway.
I write honesty, I write goodness, and mystery doesn't scare me, it enthralls me.

August To September

It's unfortunate, as I was rather committed to religiously making posts here, that I've let it fall by the wayside.. The best part about my myspace blog, I think, is how personal and eclectic it was.

When you first begin to treat a chemical imbalance(even if it is AGAIN, meaning, of course, there's a lapse) there's a good amount of time that is partially, in my opinion, psychosomatic.
Life is good. You've discovered some amazing panacea that will make you the most perfect, complete you there is.
Then you hit several plateaus until you're properly medicated.

I didn't think herbs would be the same way, but they are.

I started working again and have to be outside my comfort zone for ten hours at a time and sometimes more and my anxiety spiked.

I'm not seeing my children all day every day, which is bitter-sweet as I can finally appreciate them, but I miss them TERRIBLY.

The hubby and I have started our own relationship therapy which involves our own set of house rules posted for reference in our home and lots of writing and talking.

Things have improved and we've given the babies a bit more structure, Taven's behavior is much better, less hitting, more loving..

The kavakava, though, is making me extremely tired and when I'm home in my dessert-in-a-box, which you'd never know has two AC units and three fans, upon waking I'm still exhausted and after taking meds and playing with/entertaining/cleaning up after two munchkins and keeping up with other chores, I don't feel like doing much.

But I've been trying.

It would have been easier if I'd have had both natural and no surgical recovery.
It would have been easier if I'd have gotten a little further with getting in shape before I got pregnant both times.
It would have been easier if I'd have been in shape in the first place.
It would have been easier if I'd have had more help.

But none of those things were a reality, and this is the life I've chose.
So I've been spending all of my time trying to improve.

So I'll try to post more, I really will, to the two people who actually read,

but until I get internet and don't have to expose myself to staring, rude, idiots to achieve such a thing, it's going to be difficult.

Stop Organized Crime

This was posted four weeks ago in my debate forum on cafemom.com

Officers sending "Dear
John" Letters

Updated: Tuesday, 07 Jul 2009, 9:46 PM CDT
Published : Tuesday, 07 Jul 2009, 9:46 PM CDT

ESCAMBIA CO., Fla. - Escambia County Sheriff David Morgan admits that there is a prostitution problem in the area and he's doing all he can to put a stop to it. For the past three months, the Sheriff has been working on what are being called "Dear John Letters" to combat prostitution.

"This is portrayed too many times as a victimless crime but that couldn't be farther from the truth, and one of the reasons why we're focusing on this is really a two or three step approach. It's not just the sex trade, it's the drug trade, it's the fallout from the drug trade, domestic violence, abuse against the prostitute by their pimps, so there's a full host of things that are involved with prostitution," said Sheriff Morgan.

The way the "Dear John" Program works, is when someone is caught soliciting prostitution in a vehicle, the registered owner of that vehicle receives a letter in the mail telling them that their vehicle has been used in a prostitution crime.

"We had talked about sending letters to wives, significant others, spouses, and that sort of thing, but we found to stay within the legal parameters, we need to send it to the registered owner," said Sheriff Morgan.

Sheriff Morgan says he hopes the letters, which went in the mail on Tuesday, will also help cut down on the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

He says if you own a vehicle and get one of these letters saying that your significant other has been involved in this type of crime, you should see your doctor immediately.

***Thoughts?***

My thoughs:

"I'm sure this will sound odd, but I think that prostitution is such a problem BECAUSE it is illegal. They can paint an ugly picture all they want but if it were a licenseable business regulated by the government, it would cut back on a lot of crime.

Hear me out; street pimping/hooking would be unnecessary, the regulation would stop the cycle of abuse(pimp or john to prostitute)and the spread of STDS by providing frequent testing and products to protect against diseases, it would help the economy by providing WILLING women(and men) with jobs and it would allow men(and women) who have rape fantasies, pedophilia, and other fetishes/paraphilia that are socially unacceptable a safe way to act out their fantasies.. Most often with severely mentally ill people, other than abuse, you see sexual repression.

If they'd found a healthy way to express themselves sexually early on they may have prevented the anger and hate they acted on. Sure the women employed may or may not LIKE the job(I doubt many macdonald's employees dig their gig), but some of us have insatiable sex drives, some of us are fantastic actresses and some of us just like money!

I've always kind of been offended at the fact that prostitution is illegal since I started being really interested in sex.. why can't I personally touch someone's life with my sexual talents and make money? I feel that due to the fact that women are generally who's in demand in this department that it was an early attempt to keep women down.

Men have always feared women, and we controll sex(for the most part, it's easier for us to have sex when we want it than it is for them.. we have higher standards, haha), add money to that & we're ten times as scary. I am a tad biased on this subject as I was raised by a woman who sold her body in many ways to support her family, but I feel like I have some good points.

The only thing that upsets me with prostitution is adultry. But, honestly, whether he's paying for it or not, I feel like a man's going to cheat if he wants, whether it's legal to pay or if he has to use craigslist or myspace to pick someone up."


Speaking of craigslist.com, a recent LA Times article depicts their efforts to crack down on prostitution.. last time I was on, there was no "Erotic" section.

Hippies, Stop Throwing Out Your Money...

I love nature just as much as the next hippie.. I hate walmart and big business in general(though, poverty stuck, it's difficult to shop elsewhere and eat healthy- though, thank you ALDI, it's getting easier).

The organic myth would paint you this beautiful watercolor piece with recycled canvas of small business family farms and toxin free farming.. a noticable difference in taste, more than comparable nutrition and just an over all image of perfection... for a price.

Well, being the avid watcher, I seen Penn and Teller's Thursday episode about this topic and sadly, I and many hippies have been deceived. As I've mentioned, I never take anyone's word for anything.. I have to do my own research before I relay the message.

So I did.

They were right. Organic advocates will all tell you the same thing, there's more nutritional value in organic foods, they taste better and they have natural pesticides.

The only truth in that statement is that about the pesticides. Unfortunately, just because a pesticide is natural doesn't mean it's safer. Synthetic pesticides have had enough time for trial and error to test what's best for human consumption.. natural pesticides tend to be more toxic as there are really only so many options.

On this weeks episode of Penn & Teller, not only did 71% of people tested fail the taste test, but they also PREFERRED the non-organic!

They also did a hilarious test where they divided the same banana on two plates and named one organic and one non... people SAID the organic tasted better... creamier, softer, sweeter.. but they were both the same banana... psychosomatic? Most likely.

Also, so far, globally, there have been no proven studies to support the idea that organic foods are more nutritional, this comes straight from the FDA.

I found a lot of sources to support my findings. The best article and the one I'd like to share with you is from Business Week, the best part talks about Stonyfeild Farms and how they import powdered organic cows' milk from New Zealand!

So check it out. And if you get a chance, check out the episode of Bullshit! concerning organics.

The moral of the story?

DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ... look it up. Compare and contrast and pick reliable sources.
STOP WASTING YOUR MONEY!
These times are not for spending lavishly as per misinformation.
Arm yourself with knowledge. It's pretty powerful.

The Yes Men Fix The World

Is a documentary I watched on ShoTime, one of my favorite channels that also shows Penn & Teller and several documentaries that have changed my perspective over the years.
It was Enlightening.. In the past 3 years of my life I've watched so many things that inspire rage that the hot feeling in my chest and face seemed familiar.. but I've decided that I'm a rageaholic, it's a defense mechanism, and so I've been redirecting my anger and replacing it(almost always successfully) with other emotions. In this case saddness.. And saddness does nothing, generally. But this blog is my contribution to what I hope will be revolution or at the very least, change.

The Yes Men are nonviolent activists. In this documentary they use scare tactics and rediculousness to inspire change. The biggest "prank" they pulled was posing on BBC as a representative of DOW and claiming to compensate victims of the Union Carbine incident. BBC found out their antics quickly and they were invited back and asked how they could disregard the building and smashing of hopes to the victims.. well they visited the victims to get their opinion and they were more than grateful. It's what should have been done. They made a global statement... That's what we need.

I hate to be all female about it, but I cried. It was motivating.
I have so much going on in my life, monetary restrictions and such, all I want to do is change the world so that my beautiful, wonderful babies have some semblence of a future, but I can barely feed us.. clothe us.. we're days, weeks at the most, away from losing our trailer. This is my only means of making a difference in this way.

The power was out for two days total, afternoon to afternoon. I went to the food bank today, as all the food in my refridgerator had expired. Disgustingly.
I envied the volunteers that I may help the needy instead of be it.
I tried to get applications, but the head who knew where they were is only in on mondays... another trip.. and no money for gas.

Chris got a call from the unemployment compensation agency last week and we faxed wages.. we thought for sure the money would have been in by now. We were wrong.

I owe so many people money.

As a contractor, I get a paycheck once a month. This friday is the 31st, my last day of work this month and the day I need to turn my timesheet in at the main office that's about twenty minutes away.
I have a quarter of a tank of gas..

Chris called again, yesterday. They STILL have not filed his paperwork.

The near future is a scary place for me.

We discussed it last night.. it's terrifying. We're both sick in the head and the walls are closing in.

I keep telling him(and myself) that we just need to hang in there. Keep pushing until he gets his checks and I get mine and everything will be ok. He can get his state ID and we can start going to therapy again. I don't think I'll ever take any medicines again, though. Once I can afford the herbal remedies I'll be ok. Right now I'm conserving and I'm not taking enough, but ince I can take the proper ammount I'll be one-hundred percent better. I know it.

Chris doesn't believe me.
He claims it's psychosematic, but I'm confident.

I don't think I'd have been able to continually wipe the shit from my glasses so often so easily. It's not easy.. but before, I'd have just given up. Just gone back to my comforts.. the blood and the poison. And I haven't. I've kept it together. My frustration prevails occasionally and I'm not as nice as I'd like to be... but I'm not robbing people or places or killing or even harming anyone.. and I've wanted to. Never have, always thought about it.

So, home I go. I'm hopeful for the future. Hopeful I'll get the money, pay the bills, find the means to make my difference.

We'll see.

Myspace Poetry Vol. 1

Here are the oldest of all of the poems I posted on myspace. There are more to come.

Cut Poem #1:

On my own I shall carry on-
And try with all I am to accept it-
That lonliness is all that I will ever know in the end.
And there will always be separation.
Each beautiful enigma that I covet
Sparkling bright & glitttering with novel

Will spawn emotion I can no longer handle..
And will turn to ash and sting my eyes..
Or without explaination make haste to leave me...

And again I will be left alone
To my own hateful thoughts,
And violent self-image.
Fear for me, for I can not be nice to myself.

The words
and actions
and thoughts of other

invoke the need for blood.

For the sting of salt from my tears
In my fresh open wounds.

It is a [sadomasochistic] sanctuary that I seek each time.

And each time, I cower in regret.
But each time I return foolishly.
Because I know no other way to soothe me.



*Shrug*


I arrive with epiphanies and revelations in motion behind closed lips-
And they are met with poisonous blasts of negative verbage
Before I can allow them to escape.

And each time I attempt to impress upon you,
These sweet surges of soft serenity,
But they are suppressed against your cloud of dispair,
Sometimes penetrated and deflated.,
Sometimes haggard and treated as abominations,
And sometimes you completely murder them, and they remain unheard of.

This invokes in me waves of rage that peak and damper....
Like a storm it starts calm then it rushes, boils and climbs above the brim,
And I fear it will spill from me in fits of violence.

Though, again I suppress.
And I've politely within decided
That my mild meanderings of mysticism and man
Should most likely be withheld for my own sake.

So I shall take them, keep them with me and savor them alone.
So that I save myself from disappointment in your mandatory melancholy.

Resentment:

No excuse for your behaviour,
You are selfish and you are cold.
The images portrayed are false
As you do as you are told.
Idiotic, Imbecile,
Spineless, lacking pride.
All that you have taught me
Is to run away and hide.

I sicken of your plastic(ness)
Your facade of utter might.
Always sneaking and withholding
And bending 'til it's right.
Progressively you've become
An opinionless puppet and pawn.
Sealed the deal when the seed was sown,
Soul owned with the birth of it's spawn.

+~~~~~+~~~~~+~~~~~+~~~~~+

Nullity

Broken promises,
I am barren and woeful.
Rescue me from isolation,
Deliver me from solitude.

Pallid & vacant,
I long to be doted on.
Captivate me...
Venerate me...
Copulate me...
Eradicate me.

I am Nullity. Perpetually

Here's a funny tidbit! Less than a year after I wrote this poem, I GOT MARRIED. After you read it, you'll see the irony.

Internally


It seems there will always be
Sorrow in solitude.
My addiction to affection,
it never rests.
And so I often find my mind at wander,
Apparently I am obsessed;
With the contemplation of union,
A concept that could be my demise.
The thought need not be entertained
When the act in its entirety I despise...
Externally
Commitment is corruption.
Emotions are entrapment.
Relationships, ridiculous,
Marriage, a mistake.
and
LOVE is a LIE.
Soft & sweet, I accept it.
That I can not deny my longing
To be adored & doted upon
And so I am torn apart in my need for belonging.
Liberation is empty.
Once set free, I am just alone.
Independence is deception.
Each fear more frightening,
All music possesses a more somber tone.
I face each party with a grin,
Though, inside I cower in tears,
I hide my frustration in smiles,
My weakness will never fall upon your ears.

Purple And Nasty In Color...

They shut off the electricity today.. And for a sad minute I considered dropping the kids off someplace where I know they'd be loved dearly and well taken care of and looking for a peaceful place to die... This, of course, was a result of what I believe to be pmdd.. Chris keeps telling me I have it. I fit all the symptoms except the headache... until recently. Now I have those, too. Is it psychosomatic? No idea.
I, honestly think it's stress, but here's what I found on webmd.com:

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or PMDD, is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS, but are severe enough to interfere with work, social activities, and relationships.

How Common Is PMDD?

PMDD occurs in 2-10% of menstruating women. Women with a personal or family history of depression or postpartum depression are at greater risk for developing PMDD.

What Causes PMDD?

As with PMS, the exact cause of PMDD is not known. Most researchers, however, believe PMDD is brought about by the hormonal changes related to the menstrual cycle. Recent studies have shown a connection between PMDD and low levels of serotonin, a chemical in the brain that helps transmit nerve signals. Certain brain cells that use serotonin as a messenger are involved in controlling mood, attention, sleep and pain. Therefore, chronic changes in serotonin levels can lead to PMDD symptoms.

What Are the Symptoms of PMDD?

The symptoms of PMDD can include any of the following:

• Mood swings
• Depressed mood or feelings of hopelessness
• Marked anger, increased interpersonal conflicts
• Tension and anxiety
• Irritability
• Decreased interest in usual activities
• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue
• Change in appetite
• Feeling out of control or overwhelmed
• Sleep problems
• Physical problems, such as bloating

Here's the link for more info: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder

If you have it they have prescriptioned birth control you can take to correct it- if you're lucky enough to have the money to pay for it, or insurance.

Anyway- we figured it out. Not before I had a chance to panic to family in PA & create some drama.. ugh.. More governt help. Makes me feel like a loser. But I'm doing what I can as much as I can and I feel like that counts for something. I'm trying to keep looking at things on the longterm to keep from stressing out. Once in a while it's hard to filter out the ANTs(I learned this term from a televised seminar on mental health solutions on MD Public Television, which is also where I discovered herbal alternatives to psychotropic medication, it means Automatic Negative Thoughts).

Not interested, unfortunately, in the posting subjects on cafe mom.
Soon, though. I thought I'd have internet access in the new private home that I'm working in, but alas, I was wrong.

I do like it, however. My client is a sweetheart. The poor dear, though, he's been stressed as his favorite staff member is in the hospital and the only two days I've been there so far he slept almost all day. No worries, though, it gave me a chance to get caught up w/ my library book on the celts and become enamored with the computer game; MahJong Quest.. holy lord is that addictive. And fun. I have high scores on almost every level I've played and the puzzles are challenging. I taught myself how to play- it's a tad different than the regular mah jong.

Check it out! http://www.iwin.com/categories/games/free

They have a lot of fun stuff on there. My last game addiction was peggle. That's a variation of pinball. Also very fun.

That's all for today. Hopefully more soon & not more than a week this time.

Not So Free..

The trip to Atlantic City, that is.. We idiodically thought it'd be a good idea to park on the street in hag's town and leave the car there for two days and a night while we were on our trip.. even though the tags and inspection are dead.
Well, the car was towed by the city and the tow cost was $150 and it's $25 a day until we can get legal tags and get the car out. The relative I'm buying the car from is.. well, difficult and we're having trouble getting the title to get tags in the state we're living.
If we can't get the car out today, we'll be paying $275 on monday plus the cost of tags.
Makes it difficult to wipe the turds from one's glasses, the fact that it's always something threatening to induce the anxiety attacks I've been fighting off for so long.

The trip was wonderful, however, though nookyless. The beach was beautiful, especially yesterday. I got to go to the bar for the 3rd time in my life(The Irish Pub, very nice) and had a couple of delicious long island iced teas and a lot of cheap beer. We wondered the boardwalk for hours, ate some delicious fried food and entertained ourselves with good conversation and random sights. I got to spend a lot of quality time with the Hubby and there was even a little time for self-discovery without the munchkins being around.

I learned that even without my meds I've gained some control over my emotions which is breathtakingly reassuring. I love being a woman but I hate the nuisance of the feelings involved. And maybe some of the physical aspects as well, but that goes without saying.

But it's been more than two days now since I've seen my babies and everyone directly involved is not taking it very well.

My mother actually tried to have me listen to Taven scream because he's inconsolable. I feel as though that's a bit inconsiderate as well as counterproductive and completely unneccessary. But she's stressed, I know. Unfortunately she has a knack for being self-absorbed when she's stressed and that's currently adding to my own stress.

Yay, more stress. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to fix everything and I'd really like to think that as long as I keep on everything will work out and be ok, all the detours is just making keeping that mindset possible.

Wish me luck!

Oh, I joined CafeMom.com recently.
When I have more time and am less stressed out I'd like to share one of the topics brought up in a forum I'm apart of, involving prostitution. That will most likely be the next post.
I hope.

Is It Time For Tea?

On my half hour ride from work ,when I still worked for that mysterious well-known department store, my favorite thing to listen to was Home, the album by King Diamond. My favorite of theirs, the track Welcome Home was featured in Kevin Smith's Clerks II the year before last which inspired me to start listening to it again.

I'm a morbid person. The story in Home is comforting to me in a way that horror movies are a comfort.. things aren't that bad in my life. It puts things into perspective.

I've always kind of hated people also.. I don't know if it's an honest distaste or if it's a defense mechanism, but my view has barely wavered over the years. I have a lot of issues.. but lately, and I can't pinpoint an exact cause, my biggest issue has been with men.

Hormones via pregnancy have made me kind of emo(not in the sense that I listen to crap music, just more emotionally invested in the negative, it's my slang for "pussy," I guess. Ouch. Sorry, emo kids) and I've noticed no real pattern, except maybe the misunderstanding and lack of sympathy I got from men during my pregnancy. All the men in my life EXCEPT my dad quickly grew weary of my ability to do NOTHING(imagine how I felt, aside from being burden my selfesteem plummeted and needless to say I didn't think much of myself). Before I got married a lot of my friends had testicles and unfortunately now I want to tear the testicles dangle before me OFF.

The chauvenist jokes.. the stupid comments.. the treatment of women I see in general makes me want to commit menocide and take a long, hot shower.
I never cared before. I believe firmly that men are the idiots controlled by their sex organs and let them say what they must to keep some security in their weakness.. And then, it wasn't resentment. Just an observation of a combination of all men I valued in some way. "Poor beasts," I'd say.

And furthermore, I enjoyed my male friends above my female friends(except Tree) because they were more fun and less drama.

I think I have a deep hatred for people because of a lack of trust and continual disappointment. I mean to say nothing negative about my parents, but I know it started there. There were lies, on my father aspect there were feelings of abandonment and to this day I remember the days of Mommy and Daddy and Me, I remember being IN LOVE with my parents and it all went down hill when they split before I was even eight years old.

My mother was a good single mom, hard-working(more so than you can ever imagine, or than I care to go into detail about), nurturing and supportive. She had a tendancy to be overly critical, however, when it came to things she didn't like, and was often hurtful in her quest to change me. She lied to me a lot in my life.. She did it to protect me and I know it's true, but I was so crushed(every time) I found out, because when I was the only child I was her best friend and she'd cry to me and tell me everything. I felt betrayted. Later on when she was having issues growing back up after the freedom leaving my dad permitted her, I began to feel even more betrayed because I viewed her friends as above me in her eyes. I still feel that way now in relation to then. Now she's much more family oriented, but it is 14 years later.. however after the birth of my brother and sister and her marriage to the step father I have no relationship with, I do feel at the end of her list.

My father had some chemical issues, he claims he was depressed that we were all so far away(my mom moved us two hours away when they split) and he did what he did as a result. Fortunately he's picked himself back up now and has come around to be a decent person just in time for his grandchildren.. and I forgive him, I love him, but I will never forget.

I always had a decent relationship with my siblings. My little sister felt like my own when we lived together and my brother is still, for the most part, one of my best friends. Though he's 16 and has a tendancy to ditch me for his "homies."

My grandmothers above all else are the people in life I know I can always trust. The rest of my extended family is often questionable.. I have a cousin who, to my knowlege, has been able to keep my secrets, but when I really need to spill it I really want to talk to one or both of my Wonderful Grandmothers.

I feel lucky that I have them, some people don't have anyone they truly trust. The problem with your grandma is there are TONS of things you'd never want them to know about you.. or that you'd really rather live your whole life without hearing about them.

Tree is my best friend and has been(except for a year in the middle when we had a small falling out in which I could have killed one of her bitch friends for creating more drama.. but that's another story) for about 8 years now.
Before her.. was Daniel.
I've mentioned him before but briefly..
He was major betrayel aswell. But I no longer blame him. When we were 14 his idiot parents insisted on medicating him because he wore all black and painted his nails and peirced himself with safety pins.. may sound odd to some, but to me that's typical teen rebellion. Not for me, my parents are metal heads, but you get it. It's a lifestyle that you grow out of to some extent but I feel he deserved support from his parents, they believed he needed paxil.
He abused it.
He had a psychotic episode one night after a few tiffs with his family and I just so happened to be grounded. He hung himself from his bunk bed with a belt. He died in the hospital. His little sister told me the next morning when I came to pick him up for school.
We were morbid.. we gave eachother scar tattoos.. and we hated people and were sometimes a little angsty. We talked about suicide but meant to make a production of it TOGETHER if ever.. but he left me and for a long time I was alone. And then I found Tree.
And.. Chrisby. That fuck. He was who I thought was my best friend when Tree and I were at it. He ditched me as soon as I got pregnant telling me, after all the drama he'd dragged me through being an ungrateful brat to his family, that I was too much drama. *Gag*
Then there was the couple I adopted when I moved to Hag's Town. They were unemployed and when I smoked and did "drugs" I also went to school and worked and I was their transportation as well as their ciggarettes and bud. They were good to me in other senses and made me feel great about myself, but then I met my hubby and he refused to let them walk on me.. then they were gone. I talked to them randomly after that until they split up and she went to Cali and he brought drama to my railer park this past newyears.

Then the Hubby and I had some problems. We used to swing.. rules were broken and I didn't think we'd ever recover. Our relationship.. you'd have to see us alone to understand what I really have in a mate. I never thought either of us capable of betrayel. I was wrong. But we're recovering, thankfully and I think we both learned from the ordeal.

I suppose the people meaning most to me in life that have really messed things up for me have been men and that's where the anger comes from.
But I want to be over it. Hate, to me, seems like a sickness because it can make you feel really ugly and, honestly, sick. There are times where I hear the comments men make and I feel, literally, nautious.

My neighbor, before they moved, used to talk about how young girls especially, but generally any girl that's single has a "loud vagina." And his definition was that they did and said things that were flirty and outgoing to catch the attention of anyone with a penis. His definition was less articulate, though, as he's kinda young and not the scholar I am(being the beauty school drop out and all). The context he used it in was to say that I don't have a loud vagina. The funny thing to me is, though, I used to be quite the Pimpette(slut) and I'm natrually flirty by nature. I'm lewd. I'm surely a pervert. And I studied paraphilia(fetishes and sexual obsessions as a grouping, I.E Coprophilia; the sexual attraction to feces) for about a year, in addition to working a few months in a porn-store.[I think the reason people look at me that way is because I'm so much like a guy. I flirt like a guy. I talk about a lot of things in a manner mostly men use.] And when I'm me, I'm not creating lines between which reads "FUCK ME," I'm just filthy. And I get away with it. Why me???
Other women are filthy and flirty and the men they talk to immediately think they want to fuck. Some men mistake niceties as flirting. It's just unnerving.

Anyway, I started a new e-mail just for this page and adsense. If you're interested in seeing me cover something in this blog or want to ask me something or need to get ahold of me for any reason, reach me at;
lameepiphanies11@rocketmail.com PLEASE NO CHAIN MAIL and no spam.

I'll be going out of town tomorrow morning. A couple of dear friends are taking us on vacation with them to Atlantic City. The babies will be with Grama and Nanna at Nanna(my mom)'s house.

My next blog, as of right now, will talk about paganism and how flaky pagans shouldn't be on tv.. ugh.. make me look bad!

Pro Nuke Hippy!

I promised some actual facts about nuclear energy and I found these @ cleansafeenergy.org;

Top 10 Facts About Nuclear Energy

1. There are 104 commercial nuclear power plants producing 20 percent of all electricity and over 70 percent of the emission-free electricity generated in the United States. They are located at 64 sites in 31 states.

2. More than 400 nuclear power plants worldwide produce 16 percent of the world’s electricity—while reducing CO2 emissions by more than 2 billion metric tons per year.

3. Nuclear energy supplies electricity each year to serve 60 million homes.

4. Nuclear energy has one of the lowest environmental impacts of any electricity source. For example, a wind farm would need 235 square miles to produce the same amount of electricity as a 1,000-megawatt nuclear power plant.

5. Nuclear energy is by far the nation’s largest source of electricity that does not emit any controlled air pollutants, providing 73 percent of the electricity from all carbon-free sources, including hydroelectric, wind and solar.

6. Nuclear power plants provide low-cost, predictable power at stable prices and are essential in maintaining the reliability of the U.S. electric power system.

7. Nuclear power plants are able to produce abundant and low cost energy source because they use an enriched form of uranium for fuel. One uranium fuel pellet – the size of the tip of your little finger – is equivalent to 17,000 cubic feet of natural gas, 1,780 pounds of coal, or 149 gallons of oil.

8. The economic activity of a U.S. nuclear plant generates on average around $20 million in state and local tax revenues.

9. You would have to live near a nuclear power plant for over 2,000 years to get the same amount of radiation exposure that you get from a single diagnostic medical x-ray.

10. There are nearly 100 different nuclear medicine imaging procedures available today. An estimated 10 to 12 million nuclear medicine imaging and therapeutic procedures are performed each year in the United States.

This is not false, it checks out in several sources and while there is so much to learn on the subject I figure the people I write for would most appreciate this information. Thanks to cleansafeenergy.org for letting me steal part of your page for my readers.

To Obtain The Groove.. You Must Endure Tragedy

Go figure. But Lady's a comic like that. One day you're on top and you're taking jit for granted(when I say you I mean me..), then you fall.. hard and fast and it REALLY sucks.

Then you stumble around blindly for a little while, fall a little further, maybe hit the very bottom and in order to survive(in a loose sense it's still survival of the fittest) you have to stop taking things for granted. Wipe away your poo-colored glasses and look at the things in life worth living for.

Be it the satisfaction in the coercion of genuine laughter in your own spawn, the appreciation of your family over a home cooked meal, watching a DVD that you own and love for the 78th time with the man of your dreams, hearing your favorite song on the radio(this doesn't happen to me often.. I don't have internet and my favorite music is underground, nonetheless..) or dancing half naked and alone on your bed at three in the afternoon when you have time to yourself. Whatever it is, when you clean the poo-colored glasses one day you'll find a new meaning in life and it's truly libertating.

I love my country and the freedom it provides, but being a free-thinking, observant individual, I can't help but look at some of the past and some of the facts and be angry at big brother. This government uses it's scare tactics to terrify us. Keep us weak and afraid.. eat some more food.. smoke some more ciggarettes.. destroy your body and listen to everything we say because sickly, medicated, weak people can not start a revolution. They're too self-absorbed and blind. And even when they're thinking outside the box we're so overwhelmed by events and obstacles that we're convinced that we can't unify and overcome the bulljit we're forced to endure.

Watch SICKO by Micheal Moore. Look at France. Free healthcare, immediate vaction time in the work place, doctors make house calls for free at all hours and when you have a baby, the first three months someone employed by the government will visit you at home, cook meals for you, clean up for you and provide you with tips on caring for your little one. Mr. Moore presents you with the facts and in that documentary he takes people who put their lives on the line to help clean up the aftermath of 9/11(who were abandoned in their own personal aftermath of health complications due to their assistance in the clean up/ search and rescue by our government) to CUBA(who we're taught via propaganda for the war effort are bad, bad, bad!) to cost effectively treat their ailments. It takes less than a week. A WEEK. In cuba.. to do something they'd been waiting years for in The States.

Things like that infuriate me. We can send people to better the lives of other countries(to OUR liking, mind you) but we can't spend some of that money, energy and time to make this country more fair, more trustworthy, more viable for our people?

Sorry about the tangent.. My point is due to the news and such, there are a lot of people depressed and on medication.. seeking their groove.
For me... there were a lot of factors. There was the taxation of pregnancy on my mind and body, some maritual issues(No details yet.. maybe some day), a trip to the psych ward, the fact that I've always been pretty over weight, the many issues built up and locked away from my adolesence and finally the Hubby losing his job.. again.

Finally no one was there to be strong for me. I had to pick myself up and brush myself off and reobtain my Groove. I had to rediscover the strength in me I thought I'd lost forever.

And I did it. Visciously over-wheight, incredibly stressed out and still physically exhausted, I took control of my life again.

I did have some help from herbal supplements.. NOT POT, YOU DIRTY HIPPIES! No, I had to actively go on hiatus from any (potentially)poisonous substances(except nicotine.. it's a terrible habbit but the last one, in fact) & relearn how to take care of myself. I started taking kava kava for anxiety, fish oil for depression, super B complex for energy and green tea for hormonal balancing.. I'm bipolar so I've been taking lamictal via a perscription provided by my cousin. She was on 200mils three times a day and I only take 5o once, so it'll last me at least half a year til I can get my jit straight and start seeing a therapist again.

I work five days a week out of town at that department store I'm still not naming as I've got a little complaining to do.. which means I spend around an hour and a half in the car those days, approximately eight hours on my feet packing bread and pastries in bags and boxes and labling them and at the end of the night scrubbing everything down to perfection for the next morning.. and I HATE IT. I love that it's so physical because I've already lost some weight(even the Hubby notices), clothes fit differently, that sort of thing. I love that I'm making money and ultimately supporting my family. I love that I'm working in general as it's done great things for my self confidence and self esteem... but I work with all women.. and while they make me laugh a lot, THEY'RE ALL TWO FACED B*TCH*S... I guess I shouldn't say "all" as I don't know that for a fact.. but they've all worked together for so long and being there a little less than a month I've seen approximately 4/5 of them talk behind someone else's back. Sometimes even when the person is THERE.

I love women.. I'm acctually pretty gay(I know, I'm married. You can't help who you're attracted to or who you fall in love with.) and so I appreciate them on just about every level- but I can't stand the drama that comes packaged with MOST women.

My Tree is different. Drama follows her but she's excellent at not burdening me with it or bringing it to me.. plus it's not her fault as she's just a good person who attracts needy people. Myself included. I did well academically when she was in my life and as soon as we had our only falling out in 7 years I dropped beauty school. She's inspirational. That's why she's my best friend, I guess. (=

Anyway, I was just hired on for weekends near home at a private residence to assist a male sown syndrome patient. The pay is better also. I couldn't be happier. I'm looking for employment during the week. The Hubby and I are both applying at a local hospital where a friend of ours works as patient care techs. We actually printed out our resumes and he's on his way there now to turn in the applications. I feel really good about it. I hope we both get hired.. but I think we will.

I'm at the local library and I want to do a little more research on nuclear power so I'm going to end this blog, but I'll be posting another today.

An Elaboration

I mentioned 2 ppl in my last blog whom I did not go into detail about.

Daniel was my best friend when I was pre/adolescent. He killed himself when we were 14.

Alec is one of my best friends, he, my brother & Alec's brother were what I referred to as my pack in that era of my life.. he's in jail right now with murder charges pending against him as he's always assumed the role as protector of the innocent victim & went after what he thought was an abusive father & their words led to a struggle which ended in the man's death. Details are blurry, I've seen him twice since on the other side of thick glass & those details weren't my major concern...

Just keeping you in the loop. I'd meant to elaborate in that post but I'm new to this site & with limited time I'm having difficulty navigating.

Pax Vobiscum

Jolly Orange Balloons!

Got a job in a bakery in a well known department store I choose not to mention at this time for legal reasons in case I decide to bitch at a later date, lol.

It's whipping my ass into shape! My feet, legs & VAGINA are killing me. I haven't worked so hard for money in over 3 years now & I guess you could say I'm a bit spoiled.

Chris has been fantastic. Helping me soak my feet & daily foot rubs- I'd be so screwed w/o him.

It's kind of a drive & I've had to borrow money for gas being that Chris's stupid old employers listed his SSN wrong on the paystubs & unemployment has been cripplingly delayed.

I hate owing ppl money.

Fucking poverty!!

Anyway, I like the ppl I work with enough. They're all girls so I've decided to be as social as possible without talking about anyone negatively or giving too much personal info. It sucks because I'm naturally an obnoxious pervert & I have to constantly stifle that.

The kids are good. They make me smile. Lylie is in the begining stages of teething FINALLY! Taven says more n more every day that sounds less n less like jibberish(or Tavenese as I like to call it) & continues to be very sweet. His new thing is gathering like objects & doing random things with them. I.E stuffed animals that are the same animals or rings(the plastic ones that go largest to smallest on a little plastic post & base, he has two & he gathers all he can find & just arranges them in different ways). All of his teeth are finally visible, he has 4 coming in all at once on either side of the top & bottom front 4.

I miss them!!! Badly. I work 10am to 7pm on sun, tues, thurs, fri & sat. I see ppl w/ their kids all day & I think, "I wish I could hold Lylie.. I miss Taven hugs & kisses!.. I want my BABIES!!!"... all day. I talk about them & Chris all day.

I miss Alec. I saw Bangkok Dangerous yesterday & there were Thia go go dancers in nurse costumes & I lost it.. weird right? No, we always made fun of him for his fetishes, even though they're common, we just thought it was funny & he was cool about it.. Last time my life was getting shitty he was there wiping away my tears, telling me he had my back & that everything would be ok.. & I believed him. And it feels like I'm constantly mourning him now..

I had a day last week where I reminisced about Daniel for about an hour with Chris.. telling him some of the great & terrible things that went down in that era of my life & I found myself wondering how long I would muse thoughts of that nature for Alec..

Where I work is where we lived together, the same town.. I took the town roads my first couple of days there & cried both times.. He wasn't there... It felt like a dream, like none of it was real because I couldn't just call him & say; "Hey.. I'm at the 'mothershoe park' hahahahaha!!" Joey called it that.. We played there, we flirted there, we were KIDS there.. things were good there. It was a period of transition that our pack shared. It seemed shitty at the time under the circumstances.. but looking back it borderlined blissful.'

How corn filled that I find myself thinking; "If I only knew then what I know now.."

*sigh*

Onward.. it's late n I have work tomorrow, so I'll go right into something I wanted to bring up.

Nuclear Power.
One of my favorite sources of knowledge is a shown known as Penn & Teller's BULLSHIT & I watched the special on nuclear power a week or so ago.
They made reference to the damn misinformed hippies that are against nuclear power.
The guy against nuclear power makes the point that nuclear power is dirty, dangerous & expensive.. which once you learn the facts is ludicrous.

Well as an informed hippie, lemme just say I'm Pro Nuclear.

Nuclear power is generated from small pellets of uranium which emits radiation.
As far as dirty goes, they have a facility set up in Nevada? I think, I'm going on memory due to time, after I do a little more research I'll go into more detail, anyway, the desert. It's dry so there will be no run off & they can store a large amount in one area due to the way it's stored.
They showed recorded accidents during uranium transport, one was a collision with a large truck carrying uranium & another large truck & the other was with a train & a truck. In both instances not only was there no catastrophic explosion, there was NO explosion & no one was killed.
People die from accidents and exposure mining for coal & fighting in wars for oil EVERY DAY.. but somehow we can't do without it.
According to scientists interviewed, it would take 400 nuclear power plants(which emit no harmful fumes, just contained radiation) to power the states with the same amount of energy we use today which would take away the need for coal n oil n WAR & give hundreds of thousands of ppl jobs.

So, Penn.. Teller.. don't generalize all hippies as ill-informed. I'm officially PRO NUCLEAR!

Anyway, it's nearly two, so off to bed!

Salu-fricken-tations!

I'm Jenna.
I'm awesome.
I'm a wife, a mom, an aspiring entrepernuer, a spiritualist, an independent student & a ton of other super-impressive labels. Adore me!
You want to read this blog. It's new, obviously, but if you need a preview of what's to come, I've been posting my thoughts & some of my poetry on myspace under mistressnennavieve/myspace.com for about 6 years now & I've had so many ppl tell me I really need to branch out to bigger & better things.
So here I am.
I'll visit several subjects in here, some controversial, some superficial, but it will always cite sources & I promise to give the facts.
I'm open to suggestions once I've gotten a fan base established. I love the art of study. I certainly AM a nerd. But a hot one.
Since this is my first post so I'll introduce myself.
I'm a curvy girl, big in all the right places.
I take care of myself via a healthy diet & yoga & pilates.
I'm currently job hunting as well as trying to start my own business, which is currently on hold due to the lack of funds.
The family & I are trailer trash of WV at the moment(happily so as long as we can keep the trailer!) & are going through some financial hardships.
My husband is 26 & wonderful. My little girl is 7 mons & my little boy is 18 mons.
This blog is not for the easily offended & would most likely amuse & intruige parents with open views of religion, politics, sex & other random biggies that some people can't handle adverse opinions of.
I look forward to entertaining, informing & enchanting you.
Love Always

>=)~>Mrs. Henry<~(=<