3/8/10
Ageless day
be gone, and the next.
I want not for this hour,
My terminal...
Ageless day, make haste.
Take with you my lingering malady,
Take with you my predilection.
Tolerance gained in trifle;
I now conceive little else,
My soul; adrift.
Adherent, catch and restore me.
I need your stitches, again.
I've lost a lot of gore.
My chassis is delicate,
My wind, shallow.
Resuscitate.
Rescind the (AGONY) bestowed,
My last requisition.
3/10/10
A simple complication
So complex.
Yet the candor in my
mental capacity
A reflex.
You deny my ability,
Criticize my stability,
Weaken my humility,
So, I question your virility.
I conjure the vigor I've got left,
Clutch. Patience.
I endure the usual mistreatment;
Unhappy salutations.
A single duality,
So intense.
Yet I grasp for reality,
The void, the Gravity,
In pretense.
Resentment emphasized,
Resolve realized,
Contentment advertised
Hesitation(it's commercialized).
I invoke my heroine
Courageous. Selfless.
She provokes misery;
"Trapped." "Helpless."
It will be as I make it;
Resplendent.
My afflictions lose reign when I
End it.
3/11/10
An Ode To Patience:
If you had a body,
I'd stab it
Repeatedly.
You infuriate me so;
The way you ebb and flow
When I've no place to go.
Can't keep it all inside,
When dualities collide,
All of control is aside.
Why won't you
Help Me Feel
less like
A Monster.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Children, March 2010
Lylith is very musical. She will dance and sing to anything, but when food or rest are in a period of waning, she becomes particular. Like most little girls, she prefers a female voice. She loves to listen to me sing no matter what I'm singing(which is nice as Chris will interrupt and sing over me if he's opposed and Taven just screams), and she's recently developed an interest in clothes. The louder(or the hotter the pink, I should say), the better.
My little Lylie is very good with Aya and her third litter of kittens. She loves dollies(and will say "aww-aww, dolly/kitty/baby/mommy") and is adorable when playing mommy. She tries to feed her dolls, shares her cup with them, hugs, kisses and pats them and plays peek-a-boo(saying, very clearly, "peek-a-boo,") and if she drops them or smacks them she'll say "uh-oh!"
She's very polite and says "please" and "thank you," as does Taven, usually.
Taven also says "uh oh!" with a lot of full sentences. His favorite thing to say is; if he's hurt you or if you're crying or angry, he'll say "Ya all right?" He has learned to hold the cats properly and is very social and out-going with the neighbors' children.
Both kids will pick up a phone and say, "hello!?" They gibber in their own language into phones and to each other, it's adorable.
Taven also enjoys dolls or stuffed animals occasionally. Anything soft and cuddly he'll carry around and say "aww-aww," patting it's back or giving hugs and kisses.
He likes to wrestle a lot and will randomly hit, kick or punch you to prevoke you into throwing him around as Chris does.
My babies is growin' up!!!
My little Lylie is very good with Aya and her third litter of kittens. She loves dollies(and will say "aww-aww, dolly/kitty/baby/mommy") and is adorable when playing mommy. She tries to feed her dolls, shares her cup with them, hugs, kisses and pats them and plays peek-a-boo(saying, very clearly, "peek-a-boo,") and if she drops them or smacks them she'll say "uh-oh!"
She's very polite and says "please" and "thank you," as does Taven, usually.
Taven also says "uh oh!" with a lot of full sentences. His favorite thing to say is; if he's hurt you or if you're crying or angry, he'll say "Ya all right?" He has learned to hold the cats properly and is very social and out-going with the neighbors' children.
Both kids will pick up a phone and say, "hello!?" They gibber in their own language into phones and to each other, it's adorable.
Taven also enjoys dolls or stuffed animals occasionally. Anything soft and cuddly he'll carry around and say "aww-aww," patting it's back or giving hugs and kisses.
He likes to wrestle a lot and will randomly hit, kick or punch you to prevoke you into throwing him around as Chris does.
My babies is growin' up!!!
"Situational"
An epiphany, as it occurred to me, that people tend to try to make all situations equal, so often, without taking individual circumstances into account. I, myself do this often.
When you're raised in a manner that you only see the same set of instances repeated, you tend to assume certain actions are associated with those instances and if you're not attentive to the people involved, and if you don't look at the surrounding factors you are bound to misinterpret the full effect of the situation.
Here is an example;
When I was much younger than I am now, much more selfish, ignorant and hot(though that's not the important part), I had a natural aversion to half of the music that was available to me. I was never interested in top 40, I detested country and rap and "techno," and sought out only hard rock, metal and whatever genre you consider the likes of the bluesey female singers I'd heard of, such as Fionna Apple and Joss Stone.
I was taught to have a particular taste in music and I never questioned it. I think it probably took a long time, as it may with most girls, to get over the idea that everything I did had to make mommy happy.
If something caught my ear and my mom wasn't a fan, at first I didn't buy the CD. Then, the older I got, I requested the CDs anyway, my mother accepted my tastes and was supportive about my interests.
My husband and I bonded, when we first met, over the likeness of our entertainment tastes. We enjoy the same humor, the same music, the same movies and books and televison programs. Because of this we've introduced each other into a lot of things. That's something that has welded our relationship together over the years. More-so, is the things of that nature that we've discovered we enjoy together.
Lately, however, we've had limited exposure to new things with a strict budget firmly in place. My solution has been to look upon the types of things my friends have been listening to. Lately, I've gotten into some of the music that was on the radio as I was growing up. I'm noticing I can relate to or appreciate the sentiment behind the music of TLC, Salt N' Peppa, Snoop Dogg,Dr. Dre, etc and because of that, I've had the urge to listen to 311, a band I've always liked but fell in love with in beauty school when I learned well the secret behind much of the content and could relate. Chris enjoys 311 and Sublime, another classic I've been craving, and he even tolerates Ballyhoo!, who my Tree turned me onto due to their obvious influences from the two most fore-mentioned bands. What he can not tolerate is the old R&B and rap I've been craving.
My neighbor and friend, Jen, is very much into country western and southern-fried-rock. I've been able to pick up on some things over the years that I enjoy from those genres and like sub-genres. For example, Allison Krausse is a very talented Blue-Grass vocalist. A couple of years ago she created an album with Robert Plant, the singer of Led Zeppelin, called Raising Sand. I listened to that CD every day for months right after I had Taven. Some of the things Jen listens to makes me want to leave the space intended for ear-shot of whatever happens to be playing.
I always thought I hated country. What a bunch of whiny, drunk, dumb red-necks! But when you're raised on metal and the likes, and those are the type of people you surround yourself with, you're bound to hear that opinion a time or two, or a dozen, a score, whatever. It's a stereo-type.
One time, most of us in some way have been guilty of saying this; I'm not interested in what this artist has to say because they don't say it in a way that appeals to me, you shouldn't listen to them either because I'm around you and I don't want to hear it.
I've discovered my true aversion to country music is the way some artists play the guitar in some or all of their songs. I do enjoy the sound of the guitar almost as a rule, but that twangy-twang-twang is just so unappealing to my ears that I can almost always guarantee you that I will not be happy about having to hear it. Even on the Raising Sand album I still occasionally cringe, and that album is not worth missing if you like either of the involved vocalists.
Chris is not a fan of country as a rule, either, though he holds dear a few songs or artists that his mother was a fan of. He, also, is a fan of Raising Sand, that's one we discovered together. (=
What is his aversion? I don't know. What I do know is that he becomes terribly annoyed when I want to listen to Faith Hill's "Cry."
He and his friends were close and tight-knit in their developing years and they're all bold, out-spoken and tease each other endlessly. It's very macho, even with some of the girls. Perhaps this is his source of hostility. The buddies wouldn't approve. Perhaps it's geographical. Maybe that twang offends his ears as well.
Perhaps because I'm always dreaming up something fabulous that I want from my life, I've just now started paying attention to these little truths. They fascinate me, truly. I've consistently marveled at these strange revelations as of late.
I take it as a sign that I need to be in school.
Just as my recent fortunateness with my finances has been sign enough for me to start my own business.
We've found an investor and a partner. If you pray, do so for me. I'll be praying that a few good people will finally have good things coming their way with some consistency.
When you're raised in a manner that you only see the same set of instances repeated, you tend to assume certain actions are associated with those instances and if you're not attentive to the people involved, and if you don't look at the surrounding factors you are bound to misinterpret the full effect of the situation.
Here is an example;
When I was much younger than I am now, much more selfish, ignorant and hot(though that's not the important part), I had a natural aversion to half of the music that was available to me. I was never interested in top 40, I detested country and rap and "techno," and sought out only hard rock, metal and whatever genre you consider the likes of the bluesey female singers I'd heard of, such as Fionna Apple and Joss Stone.
I was taught to have a particular taste in music and I never questioned it. I think it probably took a long time, as it may with most girls, to get over the idea that everything I did had to make mommy happy.
If something caught my ear and my mom wasn't a fan, at first I didn't buy the CD. Then, the older I got, I requested the CDs anyway, my mother accepted my tastes and was supportive about my interests.
My husband and I bonded, when we first met, over the likeness of our entertainment tastes. We enjoy the same humor, the same music, the same movies and books and televison programs. Because of this we've introduced each other into a lot of things. That's something that has welded our relationship together over the years. More-so, is the things of that nature that we've discovered we enjoy together.
Lately, however, we've had limited exposure to new things with a strict budget firmly in place. My solution has been to look upon the types of things my friends have been listening to. Lately, I've gotten into some of the music that was on the radio as I was growing up. I'm noticing I can relate to or appreciate the sentiment behind the music of TLC, Salt N' Peppa, Snoop Dogg,Dr. Dre, etc and because of that, I've had the urge to listen to 311, a band I've always liked but fell in love with in beauty school when I learned well the secret behind much of the content and could relate. Chris enjoys 311 and Sublime, another classic I've been craving, and he even tolerates Ballyhoo!, who my Tree turned me onto due to their obvious influences from the two most fore-mentioned bands. What he can not tolerate is the old R&B and rap I've been craving.
My neighbor and friend, Jen, is very much into country western and southern-fried-rock. I've been able to pick up on some things over the years that I enjoy from those genres and like sub-genres. For example, Allison Krausse is a very talented Blue-Grass vocalist. A couple of years ago she created an album with Robert Plant, the singer of Led Zeppelin, called Raising Sand. I listened to that CD every day for months right after I had Taven. Some of the things Jen listens to makes me want to leave the space intended for ear-shot of whatever happens to be playing.
I always thought I hated country. What a bunch of whiny, drunk, dumb red-necks! But when you're raised on metal and the likes, and those are the type of people you surround yourself with, you're bound to hear that opinion a time or two, or a dozen, a score, whatever. It's a stereo-type.
One time, most of us in some way have been guilty of saying this; I'm not interested in what this artist has to say because they don't say it in a way that appeals to me, you shouldn't listen to them either because I'm around you and I don't want to hear it.
I've discovered my true aversion to country music is the way some artists play the guitar in some or all of their songs. I do enjoy the sound of the guitar almost as a rule, but that twangy-twang-twang is just so unappealing to my ears that I can almost always guarantee you that I will not be happy about having to hear it. Even on the Raising Sand album I still occasionally cringe, and that album is not worth missing if you like either of the involved vocalists.
Chris is not a fan of country as a rule, either, though he holds dear a few songs or artists that his mother was a fan of. He, also, is a fan of Raising Sand, that's one we discovered together. (=
What is his aversion? I don't know. What I do know is that he becomes terribly annoyed when I want to listen to Faith Hill's "Cry."
He and his friends were close and tight-knit in their developing years and they're all bold, out-spoken and tease each other endlessly. It's very macho, even with some of the girls. Perhaps this is his source of hostility. The buddies wouldn't approve. Perhaps it's geographical. Maybe that twang offends his ears as well.
Perhaps because I'm always dreaming up something fabulous that I want from my life, I've just now started paying attention to these little truths. They fascinate me, truly. I've consistently marveled at these strange revelations as of late.
I take it as a sign that I need to be in school.
Just as my recent fortunateness with my finances has been sign enough for me to start my own business.
We've found an investor and a partner. If you pray, do so for me. I'll be praying that a few good people will finally have good things coming their way with some consistency.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Hail Janus, Bless My Year.
This year WILL be in my favor as I plan to improve my situation in every way.
Focus power, yours can be great, too.
If I were home I'd be blessing my doorways with the smoke of sage and o0o.. spring cleaning early.
Good thing I'm house-sitting, 'cause I'm, instead, pleasantly inebriated and severely relaxed... though I could use some holly-day booty. )=
Hail Janus. Bless my year from Beginning to End. It is So.
Focus power, yours can be great, too.
If I were home I'd be blessing my doorways with the smoke of sage and o0o.. spring cleaning early.
Good thing I'm house-sitting, 'cause I'm, instead, pleasantly inebriated and severely relaxed... though I could use some holly-day booty. )=
Hail Janus. Bless my year from Beginning to End. It is So.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Boudicca Reincarnated
Scarred and scorched and recovered from lame,
Marred and torched and accused of blame,
Arisen, I stand, and you'll speak my name,
You'll burn to touch me, ignite the flame.
I have triumphed over all that conquered and claimed me
I have gasped for breath atop those who've restrained me,
I've gone feral with passion for those seeking to tame me,
I have returned. . . from being insane.
I Am A Warrior Woman.
Through injustice, abuse, neglect; I perservere,
Voluptuous, robust, ferocious, and fierce!
What I want I shall have, though you try, you shall not halt me.
Now come, let me take you, I pray thee, exalt me.
Marred and torched and accused of blame,
Arisen, I stand, and you'll speak my name,
You'll burn to touch me, ignite the flame.
I have triumphed over all that conquered and claimed me
I have gasped for breath atop those who've restrained me,
I've gone feral with passion for those seeking to tame me,
I have returned. . . from being insane.
I Am A Warrior Woman.
Through injustice, abuse, neglect; I perservere,
Voluptuous, robust, ferocious, and fierce!
What I want I shall have, though you try, you shall not halt me.
Now come, let me take you, I pray thee, exalt me.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
On A Whim...
Fly off the handle.. fly by the seat of your pants.. IMPULSIVE. That's me.
I've always been so in the moment.. guess that's why I was a little slutty when I was on the market. And now... I guess that's why Chris and I fight like we do. I know that's why I've got the debt I've accrued, especially because my hubby is the same way.
Why can't people like us come with a warning or a manual. We're not bad people. We're not even stupid, we're just hard to show the big picture to. I wish I'd seen that sooner.
Ew, under all the revisions and self-molding I am so bitter and angry about what's gone wrong that it's hard to focus on what's right and maintain composure when all I want to do is scream at someone and throw punches. I am compelled to be violent and loud and angry and obtrusive... and inappropriate.
This is something I have to fight all the time. In public I feel like a freak-show because I'm full-figured and I have a particular style I refuse to deviate from, but I want people to look sometimes. I seek admiration- I seek... that look.
You know that look! The one that says; "Hey, come behind this wall with me and let me do things to you." And even though I never would it's SO hot it solidifies my prowess all day.
In person sometimes I'm a comedian.. I watch a lot of movies and some tv, even, these days(I used to despise television) and I quote a lot. I'm also somewhat of a complainer/soap-box dweller which can be fun but I think some people really don't like what I have to say even though it's educated and I take all belligerent tones out if I sense the necessity.
Before the amino acid treatment(L. Theanine) and still, sometimes, I'm kind of awkward. My drive to to be outrageous and grab your attention and make you adore me makes the part of me that doesn't want to disrespect or have others feel that I disrespect my hubby VERY uncomfortable.
I can be flat-out lewd. Once, recently, I described the proper way to enter a woman's anus with a penis to my husband's friend's new boyfriend... afterward, I felt like I had farted when the preacher paused in church. Aimee(the friend) smiled and laughed nervously and her boyfriend got all excited and told her "see, it doesn't have to hurt!" HA! My hubby thinks my lewdness is funny, but I try to always consider feelings. Love makes you think/do/feel crazy things.
We're no stranger to that.
Anyway, my reign of terror at the sister-in-law's ends this weekend. YAY! And tomorrow is my free day away from the children. What will I do?.... No idea, but I bet it ends with cleaning the shit out of my house.
Have a Happy New Year, All!!
I've always been so in the moment.. guess that's why I was a little slutty when I was on the market. And now... I guess that's why Chris and I fight like we do. I know that's why I've got the debt I've accrued, especially because my hubby is the same way.
Why can't people like us come with a warning or a manual. We're not bad people. We're not even stupid, we're just hard to show the big picture to. I wish I'd seen that sooner.
Ew, under all the revisions and self-molding I am so bitter and angry about what's gone wrong that it's hard to focus on what's right and maintain composure when all I want to do is scream at someone and throw punches. I am compelled to be violent and loud and angry and obtrusive... and inappropriate.
This is something I have to fight all the time. In public I feel like a freak-show because I'm full-figured and I have a particular style I refuse to deviate from, but I want people to look sometimes. I seek admiration- I seek... that look.
You know that look! The one that says; "Hey, come behind this wall with me and let me do things to you." And even though I never would it's SO hot it solidifies my prowess all day.
In person sometimes I'm a comedian.. I watch a lot of movies and some tv, even, these days(I used to despise television) and I quote a lot. I'm also somewhat of a complainer/soap-box dweller which can be fun but I think some people really don't like what I have to say even though it's educated and I take all belligerent tones out if I sense the necessity.
Before the amino acid treatment(L. Theanine) and still, sometimes, I'm kind of awkward. My drive to to be outrageous and grab your attention and make you adore me makes the part of me that doesn't want to disrespect or have others feel that I disrespect my hubby VERY uncomfortable.
I can be flat-out lewd. Once, recently, I described the proper way to enter a woman's anus with a penis to my husband's friend's new boyfriend... afterward, I felt like I had farted when the preacher paused in church. Aimee(the friend) smiled and laughed nervously and her boyfriend got all excited and told her "see, it doesn't have to hurt!" HA! My hubby thinks my lewdness is funny, but I try to always consider feelings. Love makes you think/do/feel crazy things.
We're no stranger to that.
Anyway, my reign of terror at the sister-in-law's ends this weekend. YAY! And tomorrow is my free day away from the children. What will I do?.... No idea, but I bet it ends with cleaning the shit out of my house.
Have a Happy New Year, All!!
Friday, December 25, 2009
X-Mas Begins..
Check it out, a friend of mine posted THIS on facebook. Hilarious. It's called X-Mas Origins; Santa Clause.
It seems every year something keeps me from the spiritual celebration of Yule. The mundane is consuming, loud, overwhelming...
But this XMas was lovely.
It's near 2:30 and the children have fallen to their first sugar-induced-coma. We're house sitting for my sister-in-law and her girlfriend while they visit my brother-in-law and his girlfriend and children in FL.
We're about 45 mins from home and the weather isn't the best, so I brought I few things yesterday when I went home to check on Aya and Jayne(the kitties) and pick up a few other things. Chris wasn't feeling well last night so after the kids went down(8p) he got a back rub and a nap and when he woke up(10p) he was so thankful that I got a backrub which led to excellent x-mas booty.
Yesterday while chris was out picking up the last-minute baked goods, the neighbor stopped in(a nice older lady named Maria who is native to Italy) and dropped off a large bag of her own baked goods and candy. The children dug. Hence the coma this afternoon.
My sister-in-law has recently adopted three foster children and has been VERY busy as of late and so no preparation went into decor in her home, but we put up a little statue of Santa in his silver duds and a big twinkling pink and red wreath and a fiber-optic shopping scene with a fountain that sings Christmas carols on a little end table, and after we wrapped the few gifts I brought, we arranged them in and under the table.
This morning Chris made turkey sausage gravy and we had turkey sausage gravy and egg with cheese on sandwiches before bringing the children downstairs and letting them tear things up.
We put the toys in totes with other toys like them and wrapped them together(Taven and Lylie are two and one and seem disinterested in tearing the wrapping paper off, anyhow) so we could control the mess and it was a success!! We played with each tote separately and put everything away before moving on to the next.
They still have a kitchenette and tool bench at home that needs to be set up and organized into totes.
My sister-in-law and her family comes back on the 4th and Chris and the children will still be there this weekend when I go to work. On the plus-side I havetime to complete the project of going through their toys and junking the broken and donating the neglected to GoodWill.
This time of year when status is so evident to us all and guilt rises from what couldn't be done, it's good to think about those of us spending the holidays alone or with much less to celebrate.
Do your best to help others when they're in need and you're available. Carry some shopping bags for someone struggling, hold a door for someone who's got their hands full, shovel a walk for an elderly neighbor, donate toys to toys for tots or warm clothes or canned goods to the homeless shelter, volunteer your time- you never realize how much it's appreciated until you see the effect.
When I've had times to get things organized and time and money is easier to come by, that's my goal. I wanted to volunteer at the food bank this summer but I got a job and time got shorter and shorter. Taven and Lylie do NOT like to share mommy, hehehe..
A certain kind of pride comes with philanthropy. Not much can compare, really.
It seems every year something keeps me from the spiritual celebration of Yule. The mundane is consuming, loud, overwhelming...
But this XMas was lovely.
It's near 2:30 and the children have fallen to their first sugar-induced-coma. We're house sitting for my sister-in-law and her girlfriend while they visit my brother-in-law and his girlfriend and children in FL.
We're about 45 mins from home and the weather isn't the best, so I brought I few things yesterday when I went home to check on Aya and Jayne(the kitties) and pick up a few other things. Chris wasn't feeling well last night so after the kids went down(8p) he got a back rub and a nap and when he woke up(10p) he was so thankful that I got a backrub which led to excellent x-mas booty.
Yesterday while chris was out picking up the last-minute baked goods, the neighbor stopped in(a nice older lady named Maria who is native to Italy) and dropped off a large bag of her own baked goods and candy. The children dug. Hence the coma this afternoon.
My sister-in-law has recently adopted three foster children and has been VERY busy as of late and so no preparation went into decor in her home, but we put up a little statue of Santa in his silver duds and a big twinkling pink and red wreath and a fiber-optic shopping scene with a fountain that sings Christmas carols on a little end table, and after we wrapped the few gifts I brought, we arranged them in and under the table.
This morning Chris made turkey sausage gravy and we had turkey sausage gravy and egg with cheese on sandwiches before bringing the children downstairs and letting them tear things up.
We put the toys in totes with other toys like them and wrapped them together(Taven and Lylie are two and one and seem disinterested in tearing the wrapping paper off, anyhow) so we could control the mess and it was a success!! We played with each tote separately and put everything away before moving on to the next.
They still have a kitchenette and tool bench at home that needs to be set up and organized into totes.
My sister-in-law and her family comes back on the 4th and Chris and the children will still be there this weekend when I go to work. On the plus-side I havetime to complete the project of going through their toys and junking the broken and donating the neglected to GoodWill.
This time of year when status is so evident to us all and guilt rises from what couldn't be done, it's good to think about those of us spending the holidays alone or with much less to celebrate.
Do your best to help others when they're in need and you're available. Carry some shopping bags for someone struggling, hold a door for someone who's got their hands full, shovel a walk for an elderly neighbor, donate toys to toys for tots or warm clothes or canned goods to the homeless shelter, volunteer your time- you never realize how much it's appreciated until you see the effect.
When I've had times to get things organized and time and money is easier to come by, that's my goal. I wanted to volunteer at the food bank this summer but I got a job and time got shorter and shorter. Taven and Lylie do NOT like to share mommy, hehehe..
A certain kind of pride comes with philanthropy. Not much can compare, really.
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