Meaningless

I wish.
My attempt at downplaying disappointment.
I was confident I had found the perfect position.
The interview went amazing and I bristled at minimum wage but felt secure in the possibility of a review and possible raise every 90 days..
So I really put my best foot forward, I went in asking questions, did as I was asked, did a little extra and offered to do more.
My boss is/was impressed.
I got a little flustered when my client became hostile. I handled it well despite my anxiety and put it in the paperwork, going directly to my boss for communication since there was no other form.
Today I find out my client is going back to rehab and I am so incredibly disappointed.

So here is what I have to do.
Senior care is not my preferred anyway, I would prefer someone who is developmentally disabled, specifically with down syndrome.
Now I have the availability when that job comes along.
My client was hostile, possibly drama-filled and approaching dementia and that is stressful and brings out my anxiety.
I've had several clients who were a pleasure to work for and now I can find another like that.
The pay was minimum wage and the drive was out of town. Now I can be available if a client becomes available through my company that is close by or I can be available if another company offers me better pay.
The hours were right but there wasn't enough of them, this opens me up for something with at 20-25 hours per week.

At least I found care.com and sitter city and those allow me to browse at my convenience and possibly get hits as I already have- though I have not heard back form anyone yet.
Of course the hope is that I will hear back from someone and it will be THE job for me until I get my bachelor's and can pursue something amazing, significant and high-paying.

I feel better already. ^.^

It's okay that you wronged me. . .

It's okay that you wronged me, for those who harm are never content,
Pockets are tighter for a bit, my trust in others will take a hit,
But the time invested in bettering any individual is well-spent.

As opportunities continue to open up and present me with improvement,
I will soon forget your face, no one else will ever embrace,
Soon you will be completely alone in your constant movement.

Soon you will run out of good hearts to manipulate.

As I progress onward, my family rising slowly, shining bright,
Your conscience will catch up as you are running out of luck,
I will hold on to what you have taught me, knowing I was right.

As you begin to look older and feel the many years of others' hate,
My smile lines the only indicator of times perpetrator,
You will find all of your fears and regrets put you in a sorry state.

But until then, I know, you will never stop to contemplate.

We both deserve all that is coming to us.

New Roommates, New Semester, New Beginnings

Truly, a family of 4 has moved into one of the kids' rooms. They seem to make it work. So far it has been mostly an enjoyable experience, though Taven is clearly acting out more so than Lylie. I have been exhausted. However, they are also a lot of help.

I am taking Biology with Lab this semester and Soil Science next semester. I am working on getting my minor switched to journalism so that I can work for a paper or magazine after I get my bachelor's. Maybe even a kids' magazine. Children are the future after all! ;) I bet I could make energy conservation fun! ^.^

Biology is AMAZING. The labs are so great. I already got a head start on week 2's lab. I wish I could stay part time but it is going to take me forever. Having a single class at a time makes life interesting and less stressful.

An update on the spiritual front:

I've been on several message boards here and there. One of them pissed me off because it seemed like the people running the show were a bit angsty for my taste so I haven't been on much, there. I did just join wiccan wisdom and have been browsing there.

I've actually e-mailed a few women in surrounding cities and even here in Martinsburg in regards to starting a family-friendly community/coven. I've met with two ladies and have to give another a call this week.

I've joined a pagan homeschool forum on yahoo which has been really helpful with my aspirations to keep the kids at home for school. Lots of great ideas and product suggestions. I think I am going to go with Waldorf for curriculum suggestions.

Lastly I've finally started having dreams again, seemingly symbolic ones. I meditate before bed again to be safe. I've even done a formal ritual recently. A 7-day deal. First one since before we moved here (January).

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Really, I am just going back to regimens that I dropped while working and going to school full time. Now with the addition of a room mate I will be doing both part time and I can take care of myself and the people I love a little better.

#1. Home Pre-School. I have always given the children instruction and guidance and seized any opportunity to teach them about the world, but there was a time where they had structure in their schedule and a large portion of it was very fun learning.

Thanks to youtube's KidsTV123 I have a plethora of visual aides that the kids LOVE. Taking after mom, their favorites are what they call the "planet movie"s, one is just a ditty to help remind them of the order of the planets, the other is a song about the solar system.
Luckily, I also have a ton of books from freecycle, as well as the ones my little sister no longer uses. I still have a few packs of flash cards, crayons, colored-pencils, coloring books and other craft supplies for all kinds of fun learning adventures with my babies.

#2. Weekly work out regimen. A very good friend whom I went to high school with will be moving to the area this Monday. She is going to be my new gym buddy- 5 days a week.
In addition to that, the hubby has agreed to rise and shine early 4 days a week for a couples work out. My workouts at the gym will probably be longer since Chris can use the equipment at work, but I think it is a good healthy way for us to bond.

#3.Food Lover's Diet Plan

I bought this a few years ago and I LOVE it. The exercise portion is no longer necessary once my regimens begin, which, is, hopefully, this week. However, the recipes and snack suggestions will be fueling my shopping lists from here on out.

#4 Mass organization- I have a desk and a bedroom that needs organizing after throwing out some junk and freecycling some unnecessary items.

#5 Regular productive relaxation- meditation, yoga, isochronic tones, chanting and ritual will be more regular. Especially now that I have a killer headset that will block out all the noise of the house.

I figure it will be more of a motivator to share my plan publicly. Good motivation to write as well, which I know will suffer when classes start, tomorrow.

Awake. Arise. Apathy.

I'm letting go of all that hurts because I can not justify my own stupidity when I know better. I'm not struggling anymore, I will accept whatever I must with a perfect vision in mind and undeniable faith that it will quickly find fruition through circumstance, work and determination. Through all the drama and bullshit, the people that really love me will still love me despite the absence of either party, despite what may have transpired in anger, frustration and depression. The people who want to die are going to find a means whether I continue to waste my time and energy convincing them otherwise or turn a blind-eye once many attempts have failed. People who want to live are going to struggle and conquer and prevail no matter who or what stands in their way. And I am done being part of the problem. It is time for some severe self-discipline and impulse control. It is time to listen to my gut and KNOW when my internal alarms are screaming instead of instinctually trusting the cute, cuddly-looking, sadist. Here's to contributing to the solution, simply by being conscious and trusting yoursellf over others. Cheers.

The Shift

In my own dark hole I rotted and died for a long, long time... people shared the sentiment. People expressed displeasure. People blamed chemical imbalances. People gave me excuses and experiences but never asked about the light at the mouth of the cave, and I don't blame them.

The only epiphany was hypocrisy to me. The only depth was found in loneliness, the only beauty found in pain. Those would have been the light then.. but it was all reflection. I was a decaying life form with subconscious desire to be happy and no one knew. I did not accept happiness. I scorned optimism. I taunted satisfaction. I detested simple stasis. I lacked these things and I embraced my darkness.

I maintained my melancholy though I attracted people to nurture and I always felt good about who I was until finally someone was truly dependent upon me. Then something went wrong and I started to actually hate the person I was becoming. I was afraid. Of. Everything. I did not live. I existed.

Disease? POVERTY? RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE!? MURDER!?! MOLESTATION!?!?

Panic. Hide. Dwell.

Tired, I was so tired. So very tired and drained of life and instead of enjoying my darkness, I now hated and feared that as well.

Well before The Secret, there is a great big book by Silver RavenWolf called "Solitary Witch," that after finally getting a good job, I started to flip through. I didn't have internet or a very good library to work with, but I had Solitary Witch and I dug right in for the second time in my life.

I looked at some of the less common themes that I had found too complicated when I was younger this time.. Astronomy, numerology, this is also when I decided I would master tarot.

THIS time in my life, I see it now, is when this Shift began. I defied the pain I felt every day and soon obsessed over moving or doing.. I craved purpose outside of maintaining a family because I knew I was meant for more. I stopped fearing people because I felt powerful again.

Learning ignited that blaze of exploring in me. Reading magazines and books do not always fulfill someone of my appetite. I devoured what was available to me, but I was connected spiritually to what I read in Solitary Witch. I took notes in my Grimoire and put the knowledge to use. Someone close to me showed me how easy going back to school could be and I chased it until it was mine.

Those actions shaped the world I live in today where I have a happy family, I am working toward a higher education, I am buying a car in perfect running condition and am leaving the trailer park in less than two months.

I do not fear sickness or death or loss or destruction. I embrace it all once more as a part of life. My opinion of myself is as positive as ever as I begin to feel better physically and look better, too. There are still echoes, remnants of a time where I could not stand to be alone or around anyone but Chris and the kids, that push things a little over that perfect balance. But those echoes are matched with the ecstasy of control and the bliss of connection and the completion of confidence that I feel EVERY day.

I cured all of my own maladies. I think that would make anyone awful sure of themselves.

Hail Juno

My maker, my mother, a name, a word... inspiration.

There are people in the world that need solid, undeniable fact in order to accept a concept and I commend that. Credibility makes things easier, faster, smarter. But what about better?

The symbolism involved in ritual and exploration can open your world up in so many ways. Enjoying music that enhances an experience in a positive fashion, Connecting to a piece of physical art, or Losing yourself in an inspirational story, all put a smile on your face and make your day a little easier.

Why do some people seem to be so afraid of what COULD happen instead of embracing what good remains a part of what they seem bent on making an awful existence? Why was I like this?

I enjoy media that is dark and macabre, still. Horror movies don't just provide gruesome entertainment they also activate that critical thinking so essential in learning. Angry or expressive music that is in any way negative or emotional is good for enhancing your ability to understand the way someone feels and why. Creepy physical, web and multi-media art are inspirational in their own way. These things are fun and interesting but enjoying the beauty in what is right about the world through alternative sources should be more encouraged to my generation.

I think maybe people get carried away and put their brains on automatic "fuck that" when they're so used to taking everything to a negative place. Everyone has one of those things. It is important not to let it impose on your motivations or anyone else's.

Worrying and obsessing does nothing but consume you.

My argument against being a pessimistic hate-spewer is the same I use in regards to religion: Live and let live, for laymans.


Just a word to those of you who think your purpose in life is to put someone in their place or show your dominance rather than nurture yourself and others; Each person you seek to deter has aspirations you're helping to murder. No one is going to agree with everything that you say and vice versa. Don't you have something better to do?

Redefining Me

A short while ago I realized that my personality needed a makeover.

I took some time to remember who I am and what I love. I sleep a little better. I smile all the time. I laugh many times a day and I sing constantly. I dance almost every day and I'm not really trying to do anything but be healthy but I keep losing weight. Or, as I say "I'm melting!"

I'm just a happier person.

I let shit go. That was probably my biggest challenge.

Things continue to get better for me every day.

I've registered for 3 semesters @ APUS which puts me at done with my general education courses in less than a year.

I'm currently debating on whether to take psychology or biology and astronomy.

I'm still working for the same fella and Chris starts his job today. The kids are happy and healthy and beautiful and smart.

Taven speaks in complete sentences and Lylie talks just as much. They look like twins. Taven is more coherent every day. Lylie is such a sweetheart! She carries dollies around and shows them how to do things. We want to get her one that wets because Taven has gotten the potty training down but she's still struggling, though she's clearly interested. I'm sure, as I watch her change her own diaper a few times a day. Sometimes she sits on Taven's training potty and stares at me intently as though waiting for direction. I tell her to "go pee and poo in the potty" but eventually she just giggles at me and gets off the potty to commence streaking. They've both become very compassionate and understanding for such little things. Though, the age demands an establishment of independence and so there's a lot of "NO!" and temper tantrums going on every day.

I get to see or talk to a lot of my favorite people with consistency. When I believed I was alone, I was. (= But I now know the collection of awesome people I have and I bug them often.

I will have a car at the beginning of next month and we're planning to start up the apparel business after we pay off our debts. Then, we fly the trailer park. We want to stay in WV, but we'll probably seek out homes and apartments closer to MD.

The future is bright and I am ready!