Threat of a shift...

The shift back to darkness looms ominously. Lyrics to a nostalgic song rattling in my head. Familiar faces flash behind my eyes without much precursor. Rage swells with little cause, save frustration and hurry. I feel the need to release this massive inconvenience.

Once I made time to clear my head. I actively brainwashed myself into believing to achieve. With constant occupation, I guess I am running on automatic. My automatic thought process is a little darker than I would like, still. None-the-less, there are no flashes of gore and disturbing images now. There is no obsession with the macabre, though an appreciation remains.

I feel the threat of a shift, but not a shift, per say. My response is to do as I have been doing. Dream big. Pour my passions into what I believe I deserve. Bury myself beneath comforting thoughts and thoughtful comforts..

Too much social interaction. Too much, do I lend my ear. Such love I have for these beings that cling to me. Shush and deal alone? Listen and drown in sorrow?

I want to be dependable and helpful. I do not want to be involved in the business of conflict I have neither created nor perpetuated. There is little time for others' responsibilities now that my own are so closely looked after. However, when I sense their pain, I want to comfort and inspire.

For once I know there is a balance to be found. I relish in this fact.

Life is to be more stable where we're going. I can hold on a little longer until then. (=

Midnight Meanderings

I feel incredibly artistic as of late. My sketch book does not call to me. Nothing particularly poetic seems to plague my thoughts. I just want to create. I wish I had a river of rainbow paint and a forest of brushes.

I feel under such conditions I could produce such beauty that is both enchanting and horrifying to look on.

I wish I had a desert of beads and baubles and an oasis of thread and elastic.

I could create jewelry to bedazzle a goddess.

I wish I had an acre of colorful and patterned fabrics and my very own singer.

I could outfit the world's royalty.

But I just have myself and my thoughts and the wonderful people in my life. And so I inspire where I can and spend my days in progression.

It is a charmed life. (;

Dreams

When I was on medication my dreams were very vivid and nonsensical. The common theme these days, is a cycle. Sometimes I close my eyes for a second and then I open them and it is morning and my children are calling for me. Sometimes I have long strings of dreams that either interconnect or do not at all. Right before menstruation, however, I seem to have very strong symbolic dreams or relatively mundane dreams that I am some one else.

Yesterday was the beginning and the two days leading up were very different

Wednesday:

There is a school I visit in my dreams, often. It is unlike any school I have ever been to in real life or seen in any media. There are thick, black pillars everywhere that are decorated with nothing particularly eye catching. Walking in the front the first thing you see is a grand staircase with purple carpeting. There are always a lot of people there, this time none of them can see me but I have to try very hard NOT to look at them. I was not me, I was an attractive teen girl I have never seen before with a 70's style go-go hat that was suede, powder blue and sage green, huge, silver hoop earrings and a provocative suede, brown jumper. I had long, curly, dark hair.

There was some kind of assembly after school that I was rushing to and no matter where I went I kept running into Justin Timberlake. He never looked at me during this rush but, always said "pardon me, pretty lady," because he was literally walking into me. It was some how okay to look at him but I would not look at anyone else.

I sat in the back of the assembly and eventually Justin Timberlake was sitting next to me. This version of me found him irresistible (he is not really my type), but tried to resist because of some unclear commitment. We flirted a lot and talked for a long time, eventually winding up at this party. I remember keeping my eyes focused solely on him because he was beautiful and the rest of the party was ugly and when my gaze drifted I started to feel like something was wrong because I noticed almost everyone was watching us. He continued to make advances and my defenses were weakening. When we were conversing and looking at each other I was filled with euphoria and no one else was even there to me.

Eventually he had me on his lap and sex was about to happen, then his body went limp and closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep- or actually was, though it was very sudden and dramatic.

As soon as this happened I started to feel self-conscious and afraid though no one was doing or saying anything. I started to get up but then he was all over me again, speaking to me, looking at me. But the spell was broken and all I could see was all of those eyes looking so expectantly, finally seeing me and in an unfavorable light.

Now, this is all very symbolic. The school has always been responsibility. In each dream that it has appeared there has been a lot of responsibility to be taken in many areas. It is most appropriate here because of my academic pursuits and the stress therein.

I am every woman here, therefore I am also me and probably mostly me because of the implied anxiety (the one weakness I refuse to excuse and maybe kind of loathe). Striving for originality, avoiding judgement and forever being tripped up by the ideals that a relationship presents:

Someone attractive to always look at, someone interesting to always talk to, someone bright to dispell the darkness.

To me, public sex is a good time. I am an exhibitionist and love to be watched. Not so much, here. Here I forget I am being watched and nobody looks at me or can see me until I am about to do something less than commendable in the eyes of society. When the situation turns unfavorable for me I realize I am being exposed and worse, there is no reaction. Thus illustrating my fear that I am as awful as everyone expects me to be regardless of what the few biased parties are able to convince me.

Summary: I am feeling stressed about many responsibilities needing attention all at once. After having it laid out in front of me in Human Sexuality, I am still thoroughly disturbed about the sexual double-standard. I feel compelled to act on it, but am unsure how, yet. I am worried that I will not live up to the expectations I have for myself and therefor fear everyone is thinking I am a loser and that they are right.

Keep in mind the first and last are concerns that will always have an impact because I now choose to ignore them rather than address them and they have to express themselves somewhere.

The Shift

In my own dark hole I rotted and died for a long, long time... people shared the sentiment. People expressed displeasure. People blamed chemical imbalances. People gave me excuses and experiences but never asked about the light at the mouth of the cave, and I don't blame them.

The only epiphany was hypocrisy to me. The only depth was found in loneliness, the only beauty found in pain. Those would have been the light then.. but it was all reflection. I was a decaying life form with subconscious desire to be happy and no one knew. I did not accept happiness. I scorned optimism. I taunted satisfaction. I detested simple stasis. I lacked these things and I embraced my darkness.

I maintained my melancholy though I attracted people to nurture and I always felt good about who I was until finally someone was truly dependent upon me. Then something went wrong and I started to actually hate the person I was becoming. I was afraid. Of. Everything. I did not live. I existed.

Disease? POVERTY? RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE!? MURDER!?! MOLESTATION!?!?

Panic. Hide. Dwell.

Tired, I was so tired. So very tired and drained of life and instead of enjoying my darkness, I now hated and feared that as well.

Well before The Secret, there is a great big book by Silver RavenWolf called "Solitary Witch," that after finally getting a good job, I started to flip through. I didn't have internet or a very good library to work with, but I had Solitary Witch and I dug right in for the second time in my life.

I looked at some of the less common themes that I had found too complicated when I was younger this time.. Astronomy, numerology, this is also when I decided I would master tarot.

THIS time in my life, I see it now, is when this Shift began. I defied the pain I felt every day and soon obsessed over moving or doing.. I craved purpose outside of maintaining a family because I knew I was meant for more. I stopped fearing people because I felt powerful again.

Learning ignited that blaze of exploring in me. Reading magazines and books do not always fulfill someone of my appetite. I devoured what was available to me, but I was connected spiritually to what I read in Solitary Witch. I took notes in my Grimoire and put the knowledge to use. Someone close to me showed me how easy going back to school could be and I chased it until it was mine.

Those actions shaped the world I live in today where I have a happy family, I am working toward a higher education, I am buying a car in perfect running condition and am leaving the trailer park in less than two months.

I do not fear sickness or death or loss or destruction. I embrace it all once more as a part of life. My opinion of myself is as positive as ever as I begin to feel better physically and look better, too. There are still echoes, remnants of a time where I could not stand to be alone or around anyone but Chris and the kids, that push things a little over that perfect balance. But those echoes are matched with the ecstasy of control and the bliss of connection and the completion of confidence that I feel EVERY day.

I cured all of my own maladies. I think that would make anyone awful sure of themselves.

The Rule of Nine

I have all I want and need,
All I want and need is mine,
You possess in heart and head,
So long as you mind the rule of nine.

Nine days of three hundred and sixty five,
To rest your weary, tired feet,
Nine more you must love each year,
Of all the souls that you will meet.

Nine times choose to progress for you
Over the benefit of someone else,
For we who have it all will give,
Until there is nothing left of our Self.

Nine new things experience,
Fear and failure be damned,
Nine times stand up for what you believe,
Despite being condemned.

Nine times relish instead,
of complain, hold appreciation,
When you are at your worst,
Employ your concentration.

Nine times trust the voice in your head,
Listen hard and long,
And each year you will find,
Your life becomes the song.

Gnarled and sparkling,
In complete harmony,
Terrific and horrific,
The loud melody,

That is life.

I have all I want and need,
All I want and need is mine.
So it will be for eternity,
So it has been for all of time.