Aimez votre vie.

The doldrums are not as bleak as they may seem,
At the very bottom, you must start with a dream.

There is splendor in grandeur,
There is wonder in elaboration,
There is beauty in discovery,
There is experience in collaboration,

The idea, born, must be nurtured:
A plan erected,
the Universe given word..

At the very bottom, you must be precise.
Picture each component in perfect clarity.

Release the weight of worry and fear,
Forget confrontation, humiliation and scarcity.

"All You Need Is Love.

Love is all you need."

Indulging in what you appreciate
Will bring your desires with speed.

Existence is situational,
Your situation can dissolve or improve,

Dwelling dissolves with ease, while
Indulging can make you move.

Profitez de la vie.
(Enjoy life.)

Poisson!

In French that is fish and I say it over and over again and Rosetta Stone scoffs at me like I am an idiot. So I'll give it a day. Maybe I will have better pronounciation tomorrow.

So, fighting to stay positive is a pretty crazy roller coaster. My brain needs time to reset itself and my body needs some TLC but all I can do is obsess over things that essentially cause me pain. Why? Well because I was cursed with a vagina and the largely useless ability to feel EVERYTHING. Love is supposedly the most powerful idea in existence, but the more I love people the more they hurt me. The worst part is that it is never malicious anymore, if you are thinking "why is that so bad?" I will tell you. I am unhappy with myself for being so easily wounded by a lack of consideration and it inspires out-right rage.

This deep crimson cloud fogs up my head on nearly a daily basis.. but I know it is just from being tired. I need to take better care of myself, but someone needs me for something and I have to present myself, then I am behind in my responsibilities and even more pissed at myself. So I try to let it go- but of course, when it is brought to your attention, that makes it hard.

At this point I wonder.. how have I not disconnected myself wholly from negative emotion? Knowing what I know and feeling what I feel.. it seems all too perfect. Yet I can not remove myself unless physically, and even then I feel gross about it until I can truly not think about it with regularity.

I have been thinking about the people who have had the biggest influence in my life and aside from a select few, it seems I lose the ones who treat me the best. I am trying to make peace with the fact that to most people I am just not important. I am important to Chris & my kids and some of my friends, but to most other people it would be fine if I was as invisisble as I sometimes feel. Maybe that is not nice to say, but it is how I feel. A phone works both ways but mine doesn't have long distance.

I try to tell myself I am working toward that beautiful life I see in my head but sometimes it feels like I am working on my own with absolutely no support. The people around me, when they fall apart I am there to wipe their tears and give them some perspective.. but in my moments of darkness there is but an echo of the support I provide unless I force myself to seek it and I DETEST pity, but that seems to be all I get.

I am truly thankful for the people in my life. They are just as busy and just as diverse in their emotional spectrum (generally speaking) as I am and I realize that they are not inconsiderate with intent... how am I supposed to shut off that rage, though? How am I supposed to take it in stride when I put so much effort into being considerate to everyone else?

The things that work are exercise and meditation. And I plan to do those things every day, but with out fail, almost every day something disrupts my plans and either I am interrupted or I have to stress to squeeze in the execise.. and the meditation just has not been happening at all because it is never quiet, comfortable and calm all at the same time where I am at. My brain needs a fucking break! As much as I love music, I cannot wish I was deaf, but to be able to shut off my hearing, that would be amazing.

I am trying to focus on infinite time and space. I try to picture myself as my own burning star in lightyears of emptiness. It is so confusing to want so badly to be alone and at the same time feel so very alone and in need of beneficial company.

So into this text field, I release my heart ache and vow to start over fresh in the morning. Just like I do after every rag. Stupid hormones.

So Glad I Could Make It

The past couple of days have been beautiful, despite family drama due to Thanksgiving and much inconsideration between two people.

Chris cooked Thanksgiving dinner in just over 2 hours yesterday. I told him his mom would be proud. It feels good to know there are leftovers in the fridge to feed us for the next few and we spent $51 total on Thanksgiving. We spent it just the four of us in the living room all sitting at the coffee table together. The kids loved it. Especially the pumpkin pie.

Today we watched movies all day while Chris slept, since last night was his Monday. We watched Willow & Labyrinth and Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-rabbit. We colored pictures and danced. I caught Lylith doing yoga today.

Taven has taken to using his potty over night and hasn't used a diaper in over a week. Lylith is still on the fence about whether or not she wants to use the potty and because we have awful carpet, I am at peace with that until this week when I will be devoting all time during the day to teaching her how to use the potty. I am considering getting her her own potty chair for her room for when she can control her temper.. 'cause otherwise the walls will be painted with poo, she's quite the viper.

Last week I wanted so badly to quit my job, I could hardly stand it. I was convinced I was going to write for one of these websites offering pay to amateurs and live off of that. After a week of thinking it over I am glad I am still here. I am disappointed that it is not as easy as I had anticipated to make money off of such things, but I have a genuine concern for my client.. he has had so much upheaval lately. I would feel awful if I had to contribute to that any more than I already have.

I have had to cancel two appointments in the last few weeks for respite care. Both were nearly an hour's drive and it just isn't worth what my pay has been reduced to- not to take two hours out of my day for driving that I will need for school. I hate it because I am getting work and essentially turning it down but it just isn't fitting in where I need it to.

This week I am not so pessimistic. This week I have a new perspective.


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. (=

emit to relieve encumerance

Pompous. As you so hate, so you are.

To look down on my passion, ignore my epiphany, chortle supremely at my fascination...

Your mind will fester in bordem,

For you are satiated by few senses.

Rot. For your spirit slumbers.


Perchance, you will open your mind's eye in another present and find yourself quite engaged.

Redline, Mechanic Nightmare, WV

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I used to have a big, beautiful Ram van 1500. It was maroon and it was spacious and convenient. It ran great unless the weather was inclement(read: there was snow on the ground). Eventually we needed repairs on the brake lines. I know nothing of mechanics and was looking for something cheap and close.

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I went to Redline in Harpers Ferry, WV, because they were the closest and the cheapest. It turns out they were the cheapest for a reason. I needed oil and brake fluid put in when I went there. My husband watched the mechanic put oil in the brake fluid reservoir and another mechanic stop him and inform him. When all was "right" we drove off to run some errands and were quickly back at the mechanic because of the smell and the fact that applying the brakes was LITERALLY burning my leg.

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This persisted another time, until we decided a Chrystler dealer might be our only hope. Come to find out this van we still owed $900 on now has an entirely corroded brake system because of the motor oil mishap and to fix it would be over 3 grand. Needless to say we relied on others for transportation for about 6 months. It was a horrifically trying 6 months at that.

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Quick, Cheap, Easy & Healthy Recipe:

Chicken & Veggie Alfredo:

Serves 10:
2 cans of chicken, white meat
1 jar alfredo
1 carton chicken broth (preferably reduced sodium and fat free)
1 bag of egg noodles
1 bag frozen california medley (carrots, broccoli & cauliflower)
Pizza & Pasta seasoning to taste

All the above ingredients purchased @ Aldi grocery for under $10.

1. Bring carton of chicken broth to boil in large pan
2. Add egg noodle
3. Wait 3 minutes and add california blend
4. Open & drain water from canned chicken, open alfredo
5. When noodles and veggies are soft (al dente) add chicken and alfredo
6. Add Pizza & Pasta seasoning
7. Cover and simmer for 5 minutes.

The end result is delicious and nutritious. I come up with such things regularly, figured I may as well keep a record and share the wealth. (;

Beauty School Drop Out

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Okay, so I did drop out after attending beauty school on 3 separate occasions, it is true, but beauty and health go hand-in-hand and I have become obsessed with staying healthy.

What is the usual argument? We're going to die anyway, might as well be happy? Are you happy feeling bloated and tired all the time? Maybe you are. I wasn't. Even if you do not care to exercise you should get some kind of activity in and put healthy things in your mouth when you eat and take care of your skin, hair, nails and teeth.

We're animals! We have built in standards for mates even if we are not conscious of them. If for no other reason than to attract Mr/Mrs. Right, you should take care of yourself. I like to be admired, that is a motivation, but I also have a husband to look good for and kids to stick around for.

In this blog, I wanted to lend some of my expertise in the beauty world to whomever might be reading. If you like the color and texture processes, make sure you are paying attention to the over-all health of your hair. From someone with damaged hair, it is terrifying to have your hair start breaking off and falling out! From the opposite end, it is terrifying to do a chemical process on someone claiming to have basically virgin hair and have it start breaking or falling out.
Do not lie, people! These people want to make you look and feel beautiful, they are not there to judge you. If you are concerned they will tell you they are uncomfortable doing it, do you not think they might have good reason? There are steps you can take, though, to ensure the health of your hair. For example heavy conditioning treatments and keratin shampoo: http://health-and-beauty.become.com/keratin-shampoo

I have never been much for any product that makes my hair stick to its self unless it was a special occasion. Call me a hippie, I like the natural, wind-blown look. I hate the high maintenance, also! I prefer a silicon-based leave in conditioner for before and sometimes after the flat iron. If you use a hair spray, mousse or leave-in conditioner, though, it will gunk up your beautiful locks and deplete them of shine over time. The best way to prevent this is to use a clarifying shampoo every week or couple of weeks. You're looking for something that is going to strip your hair of anything left behind by constant product use. Tea Tree is a GREAT product for this. Tea tree shampoo: http://health-and-beauty.become.com/tea-tree-shampoo

And a note about your health outside of your hair that relates to your hair: Keep it DRY when you go out. No, you can not get sick from wet hair in the cold, however, it does make you more susceptible to communicable diseases by weakening your defenses. A good blow dryer is an important ally in the autumn and winter months. hair blow dryers: http://health-and-beauty.become.com/hair-blow-dryers

Infant And Toddler Development Discussions: My favorites:

Week 2: Niche Picking:

I think my major is a perfect example of niche-picking. I am a Psych major going for a certificate in family studies. The diagnoses of depression, bi-polar and addiction in my family are prevalent but the non-diagnosed cases of the fore-mentioned as well as schizophrenia, anxiety (PTSD or post-traumatic-stress-disorder) are in much larger numbers and have been obvious to me since I was very young. It fascinated me enough to inspire an on-going study around my middle & high school years.

I, personally, always had social problems, the older I got, and it took years to realize that it was because my behaviors were not normal. I was afraid of people. I was passive-aggressive. My irritation level rose easily and I would explode on the people I did feel comfortable around. Plus, all of this made me a very bitter and angry person. Sometimes. I was diagnosed with bi-polar when I was pregnant with my daughter, while I was living in my home town around all of the family my mother had moved us away from when I was 8. One day I just started paying attention. I evaluated and discovered the reasons behind my irrational behaviors and used them to keep myself in check. Since then I have never needed medication. When I feel myself slipping out of control, I remind myself that it does not have to be that way. That is what i came from, it is not who I am. If niche-picking is seeking aspects and environments that serve our genetics, then I see this as a perfect example (Berke, 2008). I've kind of developed the frame of mind that, if I am not assisting people in helping their mental issues, then I am probably drowning in my own. Now I am continually working toward that in my BA program. (=

My job is a good example of this as well. My clients are mentally incapacitated and they require reasoning and understanding and my interest in psychology has benefited, in my opinion, every client I have had. I try to reason with their families and the many forms of staff that they come into contact with on their behalf. I used to be afraid of stepping on toes with this, but I tell everyone that life is stressful and when you are comfortable it is easy for things to get over-looked. I offer a perspective. You will get help or you will not. In either case, I can say I have done what I could.

This aside, I have obviously always been a thinker and an analyzer. With my aversion to people my best friends were always books and my own writing and drawing. Those are the most constant of my hobbies and they serve every aspect of my life very well.


Berk, L. (2008). Infants and children prenatal through middle childhood. Pearson Publishing

Week 3: Prenatal Environmental Factors, Publicized:

Maternal/Doctor relationship:

My connection to my midwives during my first pregnancy were a definite comfort. After each appointment they answered any and all questions I had and encouraged me to call for anything I might need. I called them for everything. Any new feeling, discomfort or pain. Any question about my restrictions for safety. I was excited to listen to Taven’s heart beat and have his health and development confirmed. Granted, not all people are lucky to have such a positive experience with their obstetrician (Berk, 2008).

However, for the benefit of producing healthy offspring, maintaining one’s own health and the opportunity to be mentally, emotionally and perhaps even physically prepared for any complications upon birth or in the months and years following, it is important that an expectant mother receive proper medical attention. Screenings for diseases and vaccinations to prevent tuberculosis and rubella are a must due to the possible repercussions. Failure to acquire proper care during pregnancy can result in physical deformities, brain damage and many other birth defects, including fetal and infant death (Berk, 2008). Also, personally, I think that keeping track of the development creates a better bond between mother and child in the long run. An informed mother is a confident mother, as well (Berk, 2008).

Stress:

Stress is just as capable of causing long term problems in a developing organism as any drug or lack. Anxiety and depression are debilitating mentally and often physically and can be caused by low levels of cortisol, the hormone that allows one to adapt to stress (Berk, 2008). I think everyone should be aware of this. I feel it is our responsibility as a thriving species to assist with those that are struggling, be that mentally and emotionally, fiscally or physically. I believe whole-heartedly in community and family dynamic. Not enough people value the individuals that make up their environment so much as they worry and obsess about what will happen to themselves in our very individualistic society that is the U.S. That being said, I feel it should be common knowledge that someone pregnant needs a substantial support system so that the people in the lives of those expecting are more inclined to step up and assist where needed.

Exercise:

In addition to reducing physical stress by keeping the body limber, exercise ups the levels of serotonin (a hormone proven to make you feel good or happy) that an individual produces on a regular basis (Greenburg & Bruess, 2011). It can be difficult to get motivated to do any kind of exercise when your body is so rapidly expanding from within and your hormones are threatening to run the show, but I think if women knew the full extent of the benefits of exercise that they would make more of an effort. Exercise benefits the fetus as long as it is done in a cautious manner, but the real benefit lies with the mother. Recovery after pregnancy is a hurdle for most. The better shape you keep while pregnant, most times, the easier you bounce back.

Nutrition/Preventative & Malnutrition:

The older the mother is, the daily dosage of certain minerals and vitamins change. Folic acid is integral for keeping brain development healthy in a 40+ expectant mother (Berk, 2008). It is important for one to supplement where there is a lack in the diet, but the best way to take in the components that nurture your body is through what you eat (Greenburg & Bruess, 2011). It is easy to get swept up in cravings and all of the horrendously unhealthy treats that call your name at the supermarket or from fast food windows as you drive by. I think a lot of women figure they are going to gain weight anyway. I agree that those devilishly delightful treats are acceptable once in a while, but it benefits baby and mother to adopt healthier eating habits to prevent a stunt of the organism’s development and to prevent further stress and possible malnutrition of the mother (Berk, 2008).

Effects of chemicals:

Each instance of FASD involves some level of brain injury. These are effects that will complicate the childhood, adolescent and adult lives of the fetus affected (Berk, 2008). Because of the harmful effects any chemical has on the embryonic phase of a developing organism, I believe it should be common knowledge what qualifies and how important it is to use multiple birth control methods if you use drugs or take prescribed medication, and the importance of testing regularly when accidents occur or if you can not afford birth control (Berk, 2008). I will add, in closing, that I believe that birth control should be covered in medical insurance and that health departments that help lower SES families, adolescents and young adults should be better advertised throughout their communities.


References:

Berk, L. (2008). Infants and children prenatal through middle childhood. Pearson Publishing

Greenberg, J.S., Bruess, C.E. & Conklin, S.C., (2011). Exploring the dimensions of human sexuality (4th ed.). Sudbury, Massachusetts: Jones And Bartlett Publishers.

Week 4: Kimmel and The Natural Child Project:

According to Dr. Kimmel, by resisting what we were given naturally we are producing “fake” babies. He clearly believes that a mother is to have a natural birth, breast feed and cater to her child’s every whim (Kimmel, n.d). I know people who were raised this way, the ones I know are rather dependent. Once their mother is not the primary care provider, their spouse takes on the role.

Dr. Kimmel paints a cruel picture of modern mothers with their jobs and their lives outside of child rearing. He scorns her for sleeping separately from her baby with no mention of how she might be safeguarding her infant from sudden infant death syndrome with special bedding (Berk, 2008).

He touts at the cesarean section and it’s surgical precision claiming that it lacks emotion and takes away the role of the mother in birth (Kimmel, n.d). What he does not mention is how it can be medically necessary to protect the lives of the mother and the baby in many instances to take the surgical route. For example, if baby is in a breech position and attempting natural birth is dangerous, then a cesarean is the method safest for both (Berk, 2008).

Bottle feeding is also demonized in this reading. Dr. Kimmel mentions that a substitute formula is given so that the mother does not *have* to breast feed. In hospitals and doctors’ offices you will find pamphlets from Similac & Enfamil, which I would suppose are the most popular of baby formulas available (and also the only ones Women Infants and Children will provide), about the importance of breast feeding. It is true. There are many emotional, mental and physical benefits to the natural lactation of a child-bearing woman (Berk, 2008). Though, if mother is on some kind of medication to sustain her own health, it may be best for the baby to have the substitute rather than suffer the possible side effects. As a mother that encountered this, I can tell you it was heart-breaking to realize I had to bottle feed exclusively. Also, I had to fight feelings of inadequacy, but I was infinitely grateful that there was such an efficient substitute.

In the area of allowing a baby to cry it out, I think that there are certain circumstances that must be questioned. You can never be too sure with a new born, even if a diaper was just changed or a feeding was just administered, these things could still be the culprit. In the area of attention, with the amount of care that newborns require, they are getting plenty of attention just being cared for and getting to know their new family. An attentive mother who is not suffering from postpartum depression has tenderness. Mothers with PPD have a certain level of tenderness as well. Doctors and midwives and home nurses will tell an expectant mother how one’s touch helps one’s baby grow.

Kangaroo care or skin-to-skin contact of premature infants is encouraged in hospitals in this day and age (Berk, 2008). Hospitals, today, even allow for mother and baby to share a room (Berk, 2008). I believe that parents are as close to the way they should be today as ever before. Advances in all fields of science that facilitate human development have given the public and the practitioner a better understanding of baby’s needs and adaptability. Psychology, medicine and science support the “fake” mother’s ways of parenting for a reason. It works.

Dr. Kimmel speaks out against child abuse, also. This I agree with. There are ways to discipline that do not involve teaching a child that violence is acceptable when you do not agree with the way someone acts or the things a person does and says.

References:

Berk, L. (2008). Infants and children prenatal through middle childhood. Pearson Publishing

Kimmel J. (n.d.) What happened to mother? The Natural Child Project. Web.

Cernunos

_-~* In the quiet calm and the still of the night, I can still hear him from the forest's edge... calling... "tear thy linens and expose thy flesh, make merry with thou fellow beasts in the territories I rule. Come, child... there is much mischief to intrude upon. There are many sights to be seen. We are waiting. Come home."*~-_

When I was completely alone, because I believed I was.. I sat under the tree that faces the wood, on the outside looking in, and I told Cernunos repeatedly "I surrender if you surrender."

I can still picture the visions that riddled my head on these occasions. It was a taunt and a game and a connection with ancient, omnipresent, omnipotent energy and in the weeks following, nature bowed. Wild animals showed themselves to me in the suburbs where I work. Dragon flies lined up in the shape of a star at my feet as I meditated or chanted and butterflies followed me and perched on me as I connected to my very own out doors. Butterflies and dragonflies an other pretty winged insects perched in my home where I often was and left their physical forms behind.

Finally my emotional difficulties had many concrete sources, giving me an understanding myself and the feelings of many others around me. My dreams became journeys in another plane. The faeries quit their mischief and cooperate accordingly. I began to hear the disembodied voices, but this time I did not seek medication because I listened to what they were saying.

Faith returned.

Perfect Love and Perfect Trust.

SMIB!

Threat of a shift...

The shift back to darkness looms ominously. Lyrics to a nostalgic song rattling in my head. Familiar faces flash behind my eyes without much precursor. Rage swells with little cause, save frustration and hurry. I feel the need to release this massive inconvenience.

Once I made time to clear my head. I actively brainwashed myself into believing to achieve. With constant occupation, I guess I am running on automatic. My automatic thought process is a little darker than I would like, still. None-the-less, there are no flashes of gore and disturbing images now. There is no obsession with the macabre, though an appreciation remains.

I feel the threat of a shift, but not a shift, per say. My response is to do as I have been doing. Dream big. Pour my passions into what I believe I deserve. Bury myself beneath comforting thoughts and thoughtful comforts..

Too much social interaction. Too much, do I lend my ear. Such love I have for these beings that cling to me. Shush and deal alone? Listen and drown in sorrow?

I want to be dependable and helpful. I do not want to be involved in the business of conflict I have neither created nor perpetuated. There is little time for others' responsibilities now that my own are so closely looked after. However, when I sense their pain, I want to comfort and inspire.

For once I know there is a balance to be found. I relish in this fact.

Life is to be more stable where we're going. I can hold on a little longer until then. (=

Midnight Meanderings

I feel incredibly artistic as of late. My sketch book does not call to me. Nothing particularly poetic seems to plague my thoughts. I just want to create. I wish I had a river of rainbow paint and a forest of brushes.

I feel under such conditions I could produce such beauty that is both enchanting and horrifying to look on.

I wish I had a desert of beads and baubles and an oasis of thread and elastic.

I could create jewelry to bedazzle a goddess.

I wish I had an acre of colorful and patterned fabrics and my very own singer.

I could outfit the world's royalty.

But I just have myself and my thoughts and the wonderful people in my life. And so I inspire where I can and spend my days in progression.

It is a charmed life. (;

Dreams

When I was on medication my dreams were very vivid and nonsensical. The common theme these days, is a cycle. Sometimes I close my eyes for a second and then I open them and it is morning and my children are calling for me. Sometimes I have long strings of dreams that either interconnect or do not at all. Right before menstruation, however, I seem to have very strong symbolic dreams or relatively mundane dreams that I am some one else.

Yesterday was the beginning and the two days leading up were very different

Wednesday:

There is a school I visit in my dreams, often. It is unlike any school I have ever been to in real life or seen in any media. There are thick, black pillars everywhere that are decorated with nothing particularly eye catching. Walking in the front the first thing you see is a grand staircase with purple carpeting. There are always a lot of people there, this time none of them can see me but I have to try very hard NOT to look at them. I was not me, I was an attractive teen girl I have never seen before with a 70's style go-go hat that was suede, powder blue and sage green, huge, silver hoop earrings and a provocative suede, brown jumper. I had long, curly, dark hair.

There was some kind of assembly after school that I was rushing to and no matter where I went I kept running into Justin Timberlake. He never looked at me during this rush but, always said "pardon me, pretty lady," because he was literally walking into me. It was some how okay to look at him but I would not look at anyone else.

I sat in the back of the assembly and eventually Justin Timberlake was sitting next to me. This version of me found him irresistible (he is not really my type), but tried to resist because of some unclear commitment. We flirted a lot and talked for a long time, eventually winding up at this party. I remember keeping my eyes focused solely on him because he was beautiful and the rest of the party was ugly and when my gaze drifted I started to feel like something was wrong because I noticed almost everyone was watching us. He continued to make advances and my defenses were weakening. When we were conversing and looking at each other I was filled with euphoria and no one else was even there to me.

Eventually he had me on his lap and sex was about to happen, then his body went limp and closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep- or actually was, though it was very sudden and dramatic.

As soon as this happened I started to feel self-conscious and afraid though no one was doing or saying anything. I started to get up but then he was all over me again, speaking to me, looking at me. But the spell was broken and all I could see was all of those eyes looking so expectantly, finally seeing me and in an unfavorable light.

Now, this is all very symbolic. The school has always been responsibility. In each dream that it has appeared there has been a lot of responsibility to be taken in many areas. It is most appropriate here because of my academic pursuits and the stress therein.

I am every woman here, therefore I am also me and probably mostly me because of the implied anxiety (the one weakness I refuse to excuse and maybe kind of loathe). Striving for originality, avoiding judgement and forever being tripped up by the ideals that a relationship presents:

Someone attractive to always look at, someone interesting to always talk to, someone bright to dispell the darkness.

To me, public sex is a good time. I am an exhibitionist and love to be watched. Not so much, here. Here I forget I am being watched and nobody looks at me or can see me until I am about to do something less than commendable in the eyes of society. When the situation turns unfavorable for me I realize I am being exposed and worse, there is no reaction. Thus illustrating my fear that I am as awful as everyone expects me to be regardless of what the few biased parties are able to convince me.

Summary: I am feeling stressed about many responsibilities needing attention all at once. After having it laid out in front of me in Human Sexuality, I am still thoroughly disturbed about the sexual double-standard. I feel compelled to act on it, but am unsure how, yet. I am worried that I will not live up to the expectations I have for myself and therefor fear everyone is thinking I am a loser and that they are right.

Keep in mind the first and last are concerns that will always have an impact because I now choose to ignore them rather than address them and they have to express themselves somewhere.

The Shift

In my own dark hole I rotted and died for a long, long time... people shared the sentiment. People expressed displeasure. People blamed chemical imbalances. People gave me excuses and experiences but never asked about the light at the mouth of the cave, and I don't blame them.

The only epiphany was hypocrisy to me. The only depth was found in loneliness, the only beauty found in pain. Those would have been the light then.. but it was all reflection. I was a decaying life form with subconscious desire to be happy and no one knew. I did not accept happiness. I scorned optimism. I taunted satisfaction. I detested simple stasis. I lacked these things and I embraced my darkness.

I maintained my melancholy though I attracted people to nurture and I always felt good about who I was until finally someone was truly dependent upon me. Then something went wrong and I started to actually hate the person I was becoming. I was afraid. Of. Everything. I did not live. I existed.

Disease? POVERTY? RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE!? MURDER!?! MOLESTATION!?!?

Panic. Hide. Dwell.

Tired, I was so tired. So very tired and drained of life and instead of enjoying my darkness, I now hated and feared that as well.

Well before The Secret, there is a great big book by Silver RavenWolf called "Solitary Witch," that after finally getting a good job, I started to flip through. I didn't have internet or a very good library to work with, but I had Solitary Witch and I dug right in for the second time in my life.

I looked at some of the less common themes that I had found too complicated when I was younger this time.. Astronomy, numerology, this is also when I decided I would master tarot.

THIS time in my life, I see it now, is when this Shift began. I defied the pain I felt every day and soon obsessed over moving or doing.. I craved purpose outside of maintaining a family because I knew I was meant for more. I stopped fearing people because I felt powerful again.

Learning ignited that blaze of exploring in me. Reading magazines and books do not always fulfill someone of my appetite. I devoured what was available to me, but I was connected spiritually to what I read in Solitary Witch. I took notes in my Grimoire and put the knowledge to use. Someone close to me showed me how easy going back to school could be and I chased it until it was mine.

Those actions shaped the world I live in today where I have a happy family, I am working toward a higher education, I am buying a car in perfect running condition and am leaving the trailer park in less than two months.

I do not fear sickness or death or loss or destruction. I embrace it all once more as a part of life. My opinion of myself is as positive as ever as I begin to feel better physically and look better, too. There are still echoes, remnants of a time where I could not stand to be alone or around anyone but Chris and the kids, that push things a little over that perfect balance. But those echoes are matched with the ecstasy of control and the bliss of connection and the completion of confidence that I feel EVERY day.

I cured all of my own maladies. I think that would make anyone awful sure of themselves.

The Rule of Nine

I have all I want and need,
All I want and need is mine,
You possess in heart and head,
So long as you mind the rule of nine.

Nine days of three hundred and sixty five,
To rest your weary, tired feet,
Nine more you must love each year,
Of all the souls that you will meet.

Nine times choose to progress for you
Over the benefit of someone else,
For we who have it all will give,
Until there is nothing left of our Self.

Nine new things experience,
Fear and failure be damned,
Nine times stand up for what you believe,
Despite being condemned.

Nine times relish instead,
of complain, hold appreciation,
When you are at your worst,
Employ your concentration.

Nine times trust the voice in your head,
Listen hard and long,
And each year you will find,
Your life becomes the song.

Gnarled and sparkling,
In complete harmony,
Terrific and horrific,
The loud melody,

That is life.

I have all I want and need,
All I want and need is mine.
So it will be for eternity,
So it has been for all of time.

The Harm In Gender Roles: Cause and Effects of the Sexual Double-standard

In a book entitled Hooking Up, which came out in 2008, the author, Kathleen A. Bogel, interviews 76 college students (51 undergraduates and 25 alumni) at both a state university and a faith-based university. The general consensus of these interviews seemed to be that the sexual behavior of females was more closely scrutinized than was male sexual behavior. Also, there were several rules that both men and women identified which only applied to the behavior of women. This unbalanced view on sexual promiscuity is known as the “sexual double-standard," and it is the main means to which a woman relinquishes her power in a relationship; comes to acquire sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or, possibly, pregnancy; and maintains less sexual and social liberation than men.

Throughout the ages, noted civilizations have always put the emphasis on purity for what is considered a “good” woman through myths and legends and even in actual events ("Journal of Sex Research" 13). There are modern civilizations that still practice female genital mutilation in the hopes to control women’s sexual desire and loyalty (Bruess, Conklin, and Greenburg 109). In 1996 research was conducted through surveys in Japan, Russia and the U.S. regarding double-standards in matters of sex. Though some men and most women were supporters of female sexual liberation in the U.S, in Russia and Japan the sexual double-standard was prevalent in males and females, equally ("Journal of Sex Research" 13).

Until the late 1960‘s, women were discouraged from sexual activity outside of marriage or long-term relationships. The Sexual Revolution encouraged women to be aware of their sexuality and enjoy it. Still, those views from times past continue to threaten the treatment and reputation of young women today (Bogle 96-127). When a woman spends the night at the residence of a one-night-stand, the journey home is called the “walk of shame,” the corresponding phrase for men is “stride of pride.” When a woman enjoys sex with multiple partners in a short period of time, she is a “slut,” “skank,” “ho,” or “whore.” For highly, sexually active men the popular vernacular is “player,” “pimp,” or “stud” (Herrmann, and Rackl 24).

In 1999 an article was published in the Toronto Star called “Good Girls Can Get A Bad Rep,” the research covered several areas in which women were treated differently then men in society, particularly young women. It was disturbing to find that research conducted in high schools in the U.S showed that girls were punished more harshly for sexual misbehavior than boys (the example given was “mooning”). This particular article very logically looked at the impact of these double-standards on girls as they transition into woman-hood.

Rape is considered an effect of the sexual double-standard (Stepp). It is suggested that college-aged women believe that their sexual willingness will become less noticeable, if, before they engage in random sex acts they are both drunk and unprepared via contraception and STI prevention (Herrmann, and Rackl 24). Drinking lowers your inhibitions, making you more social and out-going, but it also has significant effects on keeping physical control of your body and your ability to make safe decisions (Bruess, Conklin, and Greenburg 74-77). Here, the sexually experimental, young female is at her most vulnerable.

Another important factor to consider when lacking preparedness, is STIs and pregnancy. Some argue that the sexual double-standard is a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the accused decide they should engage in the alleged activity if they’re going to be persecuted anyway(Stepp). The above words enclosed in quotations are hurtful and mean awful things to women, and so it is no surprise that those labeled as such would put themselves in situations resulting in any of the effects already given.

On a larger scale, there are mental consequences involved in getting raped, such as post traumatic stress disorder. STIs like herpes and HIV are permanent and unwanted pregnancy is the single-most influential factor in what keeps men and women from equality socially and economically (Bruess, Conklin, and Greenburg ).

Gender roles are the traditional roles that each gender is assigned to, i.e. women being the stay-at-home parent and men being the sole-provider for the family. Awareness of gender roles and the dangers involved may propel someone forward in their life. In an entirely different respect, subscribing to gender roles places limitations on relationships; financial, academic and personal success; and on many people’s lives in general (Stepp). The sexual double-standard is a direct result of generations of men and women subscribing to these gender roles and is responsible for what significant inequality is left between the genders.

Works Cited:

Bogle, Kathleen A. Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships On Campus. New York: New York University Press, 2008. 96-127. Web. 15 Sep 2010

Bruess, Clint E., Sarah C. Conklin, and Jerrold S. Greenburg. the Dimensions of Human
Sexuality. 4th ed. Sudbury, Massachusetts: Jones And Bartlett Publishers. , 2010. 74-77. eBook.

"Sexual double standards: a review and methodological critique of two decades of research."
Journal of Sex Research 40. 1 (2003): 13. Web. 20 Sep 2010.

Stepp, Laura S. "Good Girls Can Get a Bad Rep." Toronto Star 4 Sep 1999: n. pag. Web. 20 Sep
2010.

Herrmann, Andrew, and Lori Rackl. "Women trekking back to their dorm in the morning after a
hookup take the 'walk of shame.' For guys, it's the 'stride of pride.' College women today
are more sexually liberated, but double standards remain." Chicago-Sun Times 21 March 2005, DATELINE: CARBONDALE: 24. Web.

SSRIs and Sexual Dysfunction

I thought this topic was interesting. So, I posted it! (=

This is my week 7 discussion board post concerning sexual dysfunction:


In 2009, in the United States, it was observed that there was a significant increase in the intake of psychotropic medication in both children and adults between the years 1996-2006. The increase for senior citizens doubled, while for adults the increase was 76% and children was 50% (Payne, 2009).

The method anti-depressants take to regulate one’s brain chemistry involves a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor (SSRIs) which is known throughout medicine to be a prevalent factor in erectile dysfunction, orgasmic dysfunction and female sexual unresponsiveness (
Rivas-Vasquez, Blias, Rey, & Rivas-Vasquez, 2000). Serotonin is an important chemical component of your brain chemistry, especially in relation to the human sexual response (Greenburg & Bruess, 2011). When being regulated by medication, many patients experience unsatisfactory results as far as their sex lives, which can in turn effect continued compliance in patient treatment (Rivas-Vasquez, Blias, Rey, & Rivas-Vasquez, 2000). There is a benefit, though, to SSRIs’ effects on the sexuality of males if they are plagued with premature ejaculation. SSRIs are often prescribed to treat said dysfunction (Greenburg & Bruess, 2011).

Paraphilia is known to cause both depression and sexual dysfunction and is a very private subject to subscribers of the different forms (Greenburg & Bruess, 2011). The inability to become aroused or reach orgasm in the usual fashion would be mentally depleting for most. If said person has no sexual partners due to these circumstances, it would make sense for them to develop depression.

Also, in matters of medicine, whether or not a person has contracted asymptomatic STIs, such as chlamydia or syphilis, could also be a cause for sexual dysfunction which could be enough to cause depression in and of itself (Lecture 7). The general public knows a thing or two about the contacting of an STI, however, not enough to diagnose themselves often times (Lecture 7).

Paraphilias are taboo and can at times illicit negative reactions from otherwise rational people. I would venture to say that the general public, including those seeking therapy and psychotropic medicine for actual medical disorders, does not know about either STIs of paraphilia to be properly assessed and treated with medication.

I don’t believe a general physician should be prescribing psychotropic medication because of how severe effects of said medications can be. In my estimation there should be an STI screening as well as an introductory meeting with the prescribing psychiatrist where these general statistics are explained and a questionnaire is given for the benefit of the patient.

In addition to sexual dysfunction, there are many drawbacks to taking psychotropic medicines, just listen for all of the possible side-effects they read in the commercials on television and radio. If it is possible to treat someone’s depression without SSRIs, I think that the health-care field owes them this.

My question to the class: Do you believe it to be in-ethical to require a STI screening to prescribe psychotropic medication? Why or why not?

References:

Blias, M. A., & Rey, G. J., Rivas-Vasquez, R. A., Rivas-Vasquez, A. A., (2000). Sexual dysfunction associated with antidepressant treatment. Professional Psychology: Research & Practice, 31(6), doi: 1CU037//0735- 7028.31.6.641


Greenberg, J.S., Bruess, C.E. & Conklin, S.C., (2011). Exploring the dimensions of human sexuality (4th ed.). Sudbury, Massachusetts: Jones And Bartlett Publishers.

Lecture 7

Payne, J.W. (2009). Health buzz: increased use of drugs for mental illness and other health news. USNEWS.com, Retrieved from http://www.lexisnexis.com.ezproxy2.apus.edu/hottopics/lnacademic/?verb=sr&csi=8406&sr=lni(7VMC-R2R0-Y9XT-41XB) doi: VMC-R2R0-Y9XT-41XB


In conclusion:

I'd really like to hear people's opinions on depression, psychotropic meds and STI testing. I rarely get responses on my discussion boards due to the fact that APU is partnered with AMU (American Military University) and those students don't have much time for such things.

Hail Juno

My maker, my mother, a name, a word... inspiration.

There are people in the world that need solid, undeniable fact in order to accept a concept and I commend that. Credibility makes things easier, faster, smarter. But what about better?

The symbolism involved in ritual and exploration can open your world up in so many ways. Enjoying music that enhances an experience in a positive fashion, Connecting to a piece of physical art, or Losing yourself in an inspirational story, all put a smile on your face and make your day a little easier.

Why do some people seem to be so afraid of what COULD happen instead of embracing what good remains a part of what they seem bent on making an awful existence? Why was I like this?

I enjoy media that is dark and macabre, still. Horror movies don't just provide gruesome entertainment they also activate that critical thinking so essential in learning. Angry or expressive music that is in any way negative or emotional is good for enhancing your ability to understand the way someone feels and why. Creepy physical, web and multi-media art are inspirational in their own way. These things are fun and interesting but enjoying the beauty in what is right about the world through alternative sources should be more encouraged to my generation.

I think maybe people get carried away and put their brains on automatic "fuck that" when they're so used to taking everything to a negative place. Everyone has one of those things. It is important not to let it impose on your motivations or anyone else's.

Worrying and obsessing does nothing but consume you.

My argument against being a pessimistic hate-spewer is the same I use in regards to religion: Live and let live, for laymans.


Just a word to those of you who think your purpose in life is to put someone in their place or show your dominance rather than nurture yourself and others; Each person you seek to deter has aspirations you're helping to murder. No one is going to agree with everything that you say and vice versa. Don't you have something better to do?

A Comprehensive Review of Two Articles Involving Gender Dysphoria

Abstract:
The myths and prejudices involving transgender are still prevalent in modern society. The main contributor is the lack of information available to the public on this specific subject. Below are the reviews of both a scholarly article and a popular media piece that seek to inform a group of people about the challenges an individual whom is transgender may face. One focuses more on the psychological aspects and attempts to improve the standards for counseling such an individual. The other provides insight into a transgendered male’s personal conflicts in finding and keeping employment. Both of these articles have value in times of quickly advancing medicine and science.

A scholarly review:

"Using Gender Role Conflict Theory in Counseling Male-to Female Transgender Individuals" is an article written in the spring 2010 Journal of Counseling & Development. The authors are listed as follows: S. R. Wester; T. A. McDonough; M. White; D. L. Vogel; and L. Taylor. All affiliations and credentials are listed in the footnotes of the first page.

It is obvious from the title that men, specifically, are being written about. The first page mostly describes the stressors that society places on males by expressing the gender role conflict (GRC) theory. This theory covers competition and success, emotional reserve, the limited affection between males and the balance between home and work (214). The authors then go on to explain the process of males transitioning to female (215-217). There are also brief examples of how to handle the families of said transgender males (217-218).

This article describes GRC theory and the positive benefits it can have in creating a detailed history of causation for the transgender male and how understanding the aspects of GRC can help effectively socialize the female sense of being (215-218). The GRC theory is summed up in four components and the results of the pressure to adhere to them, such as depression, anxiety, and relationship difficulties (214).

The main focus of this article is how to counsel a transgender individual in a non-biased manner (217). Using GRC theory, the authors go through the stages involved in this specific type of therapy. Five stages are listed. It begins with accepting that they may be different and ends with incorporating their new identity into their every-day-lives in a healthy fashion (215-218).

Covered, in addition, were the many ways in which an individual could express their psychological identity (217). This includes activities and behaviors they feel more comfortable engaging in once understanding society’s role in their socialization. Changing their appearance may be appropriate for an individual, and, still, some may not feel they are complete until they have had gender reassignment surgery (216-218). The theory discussed takes relevancy from a reader’s perspective when the authors give an over-view of the dangers involved in becoming female (216).

The authors conclude that their methods are meant to inspire liberation in these individuals rather than restriction. They believe utilizing GRC theory in therapy for male-to-female transgender individuals gives the therapist a greater perception of each client’s unique situation while easing the client into her new identity (218).

A popular media review:

On CNN.com there is an article titled “I am transgendered and I want my voice to be heard,” dated April 14th, 2010. The author of this article is J. Sarver and in this article this internet reporter has collected submitted photos of transgendered internet reporters holding messages they want the world or their friends and family to know.

Most of the article is an interview with a particular internet reporter called Rebecca Avery. Her personal excursion as a transgender male is explored. The author mentions when she discovered her difference and how long it took for the transformation to be complete. Her sign expressed her appreciation for her psychological gender as well as a refusal to be stifled by the threat of choosing her gender as male or female on important forms. Other internet reporters are mentioned and quoted, as well. Some of the vague or cryptic signs are explained by going into brief detail about the maker’s personal experiences in living transgendered.

The theme of the article, though, seems to be public awareness. The individuals in the pictures all seem to have at least one thing in common in their journey; being misunderstood. Ms. Avery’s noted injustice was job discrimination. Other reporters had similar stories. Some had personal stories centered on family and friends. Illinois is provided as one of the fourteen states that protects the civil rights, such as prohibiting employment or boarding discrimination, of a transgender individual, though no evidence or other examples are provided.

At the time of the interview she had found employment and when they touch on the details of this they then begin to discuss the topic of sharing their identities. Some don’t see any other option than to hide. Some don’t feel they are true to themselves without offering the information and others wait until they trust someone. One of the reporters even left their home state after hormone therapy to avoid continuous stereotyping.

The conclusion of this article is not very clear, but the idea of keeping their past identities undisclosed is further discussed. A specialist is quoted as stressing the importance of the human right to privacy, especially when such information could cause hostility, prejudice, and even violence. Avery is reported to have been honest about her sexual identity to her employers as well as her co-workers. She does not share whether her co-workers’ privy is of her volition, though, she mentions that new employees tend to know and ask appropriate questions accordingly.

Compared and Contrasted:

Both of these articles delicately describe the personal trifles of a transgender male. The scholarly approach is, of course, more scientific and follows the guidelines from a professional perspective. The popular media piece is more personally focused with specific examples of how challenging psychological sexual identity can make someone’s every-day life. The scholarly article’s concentration is more for the causation of these challenges.

They’re both capable of informing the average consumer about some of the science behind what it means to be transgender. The popular media article has no credible sources, however, while the scholarly article lists first the main sources of transgender therapy guidelines as well as several for the theory the article was promoting. In addition, the credentials of the authors are in the footnote of the first page.

Both articles seem to emphasize the importance of individuality in the identity of someone who is transgendered. Both touch on society’s likelihood to react negatively to gender transition and give some insight into the social and civil conflicts of the transgender community. “Gender role conflict” tends to focus more on the community’s psychological challenges, where as “Transgendered voice” is themed exclusively by social and economic conflict.

Another curious difference is the gender emphasis between the two articles. The scholarly article refers to a transgender male as such, a male; the emphasis is on biological gender. The popular media piece emphasizes a transgender individual based on their psychological gender.

Consumer Benefits:

“Gender role conflict” would absolutely help someone ignorant to the validity of psychological gender identity to fully understand the nature of such a situation and why transition is so integral to the health of these people. On a more educated level, I think this is an important piece of literature for a professional therapist to be familiar with, and invaluable to the psychology student training to counsel modern society.

“Transgendered voice” promotes awareness of transgender culture to the general population and is from a source the typical consumer would consider reliable. This article allows an average person to connect on a personal level with someone like Ms. Avery. They are given the ability to see the situation through her eyes. There is even an internet reporter featured on the page with bible verses quoted. The American Christian could possibly identify with her dilemma. There seems to be an air of dispelling myths present that some might appreciate.

Negative aspects:

The scholarly article may be a challenge for the average person to follow due to the scientific nature of its text. Also, though substantial support is given in regards to the theories and stages of psychological progression, the commonality of such an occurrence, the authors suggest, is so new to the psychological community that there is no real evidence outside of theory that such a process would be a success. It stands to reason that someone who is immensely psychologically distressed by their condition could be confused or feel threatened by gender role conflict if not handled delicately.

The popular media article is most likely to speak to the average person, but anyone with some college education would automatically question the validity of the content. The only specialist that is mentioned is done so briefly and her credentials are simply working with the transgender community for thirty years. Her quote does not give insight to a generalization about their personalities or progresses in therapy. She comments on their civil rights, but a lawyer she is not. Also there is no list of sources for the tidbits that were not common knowledge or taken from interviews.

Advocacy:

The superiority of the scholarly article lies in the evidence. There are sources to check if you question any of what you are reading. There is a perspective presented but it is supported by research and history. Also, it is clear that the article is written with the subjects in mind. The intent of the authors is to improve the quality of counseling that is provided for transgender clients through better educating the therapist.

The superiority of the popular article lies in the personality of interviewees. The men and women interviewed are just your typical writer trying to make a living. Yes, they were born in the wrong body in their minds, but some people are born with birth marks, extra fingers, underdeveloped body parts, abnormal growths or mental incapacity. Looking at someone with a gender identity crisis is no different than looking at someone with a different defect, either more or less severe. Identifying with specific individuals who have suffered the discomfort of feeling confined by their own gender helps you to sympathize. Most people can relate to being judged or discriminated against in our country because we’re so diverse.

Preference:

Rather than just a professor, I feel anyone with an educated background would prefer the scholarly information over popular media, unless specific examples of societal influence are a must. Socially, the media is an excellent source. However, if you’re set on science the information in medical journals and the like hold credibility because of the detailed, organized list of sources. Also, if one is looking to further their knowledge on a subject they need look no further than the references for the same, related, or more in-depth information.

In Conclusion:

With the advances in modern medicine, we’ve been made to face real illnesses and ailment physically, physiologically and psychologically. For the modern educator, therapist, employer and parent, it is helpful and efficient to be properly educated in human sexuality. People in our society, even in modern times, tend to take sexuality and demonize it, but it is such a large component of a person’s sense of self (Greenburg & Bruess, 2010, preface). There is still much to be discovered regarding the human anatomy and physiology and why it can develop less than perfect.

Discoveries that redefine what we believe about ourselves happen often enough for more people to need to understand the importance of our sexuality as a species. Research is integral to the scientific community and participants would be more willing if they knew what their efforts provided.

Perhaps if more people took a curious, scientific approach to the world, then people like Ms. Avery and her back-up of internet reporters wouldn’t have to fear for their job security, much less their lives, simply because their brain and body don’t match.



References:
Greenberg, J.S., Bruess, C.E. & Conklin, S.C., (2011). Exploring the dimensions of human sexuality (4th ed.). Sudbury, Massachusetts: Jones And Bartlett Publishers.
McDonough, T. A. Taylor, L. Wester, S. R. White, M. (2010). Using gender role conflict in counseling mate-to-female transgender individuals. Journal of Counseling & Development. Vol. 88.The American Counseling Association. Jstor database. Web. Aug. 18, 2010.
Sarver, J. (2010). I am transgendered and I want my voice to be heard. http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/04/14/transgender.irpt/index.html. Web. Aug. 19th, 2010.

Self Empowerment.

Divinity exists in the mind. The sense that you are connecting with Spirit is the result of a chemical reaction in the frontal lobe. Brain chemistry sparks faith.

Brain chemistry determines your sexual identity, the function of all of your organs and body systems. Your brain determines your academic and professional ability, your creativity, your sense of humor. Your brain contains all the information you've come by in your lifetime.

Your capacity, your ability, your efficiency is determined by faith alone. The concept of facilitating progress or submitting to failure lies in what you believe to be true, especially what you believe to be true about you.

Most religions, past and present, base their depictions of Divinity on our form or being or a mixture of the conscious life on this planet. I pose to you the theory that Divinity is everything simultaneously. Not just us and our planet or solar system, but every element on the periodic table, every star in every galaxy and every form of life in existence. Empty space, plastic, pollution and excrement all equal Divinity.

Quantum physics suggests that everything has a form of consciousness and that we are all connected by it; "quantum consciousness." In this theory we are all Divine in that we are connected to the same unfathomable vastness that is the universe through the very tool that sparks faith; our brain.

Shed the need for labels, your age, race, creed, gender, political party, sexual orientation, your name! Remember for a moment WHO YOU ARE devoid your economic status and social class. Close your eyes and listen to the voice in your head. Does that person even match the meat suit you dress up and present to the world?

Just a little tidbit to prod your frontal lobe.

Redefining Me

A short while ago I realized that my personality needed a makeover.

I took some time to remember who I am and what I love. I sleep a little better. I smile all the time. I laugh many times a day and I sing constantly. I dance almost every day and I'm not really trying to do anything but be healthy but I keep losing weight. Or, as I say "I'm melting!"

I'm just a happier person.

I let shit go. That was probably my biggest challenge.

Things continue to get better for me every day.

I've registered for 3 semesters @ APUS which puts me at done with my general education courses in less than a year.

I'm currently debating on whether to take psychology or biology and astronomy.

I'm still working for the same fella and Chris starts his job today. The kids are happy and healthy and beautiful and smart.

Taven speaks in complete sentences and Lylie talks just as much. They look like twins. Taven is more coherent every day. Lylie is such a sweetheart! She carries dollies around and shows them how to do things. We want to get her one that wets because Taven has gotten the potty training down but she's still struggling, though she's clearly interested. I'm sure, as I watch her change her own diaper a few times a day. Sometimes she sits on Taven's training potty and stares at me intently as though waiting for direction. I tell her to "go pee and poo in the potty" but eventually she just giggles at me and gets off the potty to commence streaking. They've both become very compassionate and understanding for such little things. Though, the age demands an establishment of independence and so there's a lot of "NO!" and temper tantrums going on every day.

I get to see or talk to a lot of my favorite people with consistency. When I believed I was alone, I was. (= But I now know the collection of awesome people I have and I bug them often.

I will have a car at the beginning of next month and we're planning to start up the apparel business after we pay off our debts. Then, we fly the trailer park. We want to stay in WV, but we'll probably seek out homes and apartments closer to MD.

The future is bright and I am ready!

The Finished Essay

To Look at the Stars:
An Excursion in Astronomy


You might say there is a need inside everyone to connect to the rest of the universe. Amateur and professional astronomers alike gaze up into the heavens simply to observe what can be found there. Astronomy, academically and professionally, is the study and observation of the universe( it's stars, planets, moons, galaxies, etc.) as well as the theories surrounding it's many components. According to a popular television show on the Science Channel, Through The Worm Hole, as narrated by Morgan Freeman(2010) astronomy and biology have come together in the pursuit of finding water and life on planets other than our own. With the technological advances in modern times and the sheer vastness of the cosmos, now is an interesting time to explore the dimensions of the structure and chaos from whence we came.

"On the observational side, by far the most important development has been the measurement of fluctuations in the cosmic microwave background radiation by COBE (the Cosmic Background Explorer satellite) and other collaborations. These fluctuations are the fingerprints of creation, the tiny initial irregularities in the otherwise smooth and uniform early universe that later grew into galaxies, stars, and all of the structures we see around us. Their form agrees with the predictions of the proposal that the universe has no boundaries or edges in imaginary time direction. . ." (Stephen Hawking, The Illustrated A Brief History of Time / The Universe In A Nutshell, 2008)

It was once believed that our universe existed in stagnation. Creation was merely a topic for theologians until 1929, when Edwin Hubble would change the perspective of science forever in observing that galaxies at a vast distance were moving away from us quickly. Thus began the theory that the universe is expanding into infinite space from a time where it's contents were at exactly the same point and essentially, infinite density (History of the Universe, pp. 13-14).
In the years of World War II a need for experimentation to facilitate observational needs spawned a "rapid development of technology" which gave opportunity to the astronomical community through radio waves. Relying on optical telescopes limited the availability of knowledge to early astronomers. Physics joined astronomy in the current ability to observe our universe from unfathomable distances (Giacconi, 2005).

Perhaps the most fascinating aspect of astronomy is with the inclusion of biology, known as astrobiology. Astrobiology is the study of living organisms and the pursuit of terrestrial intelligence in the universe (Giacconi, 2005). Recent discoveries using NASA’s Infrared Telescope facility show that the life on our planet, that is, the water, may have derived from asteroids and comets. Asteroid 24, known as Thetis, located 279 miles from the sun was observed on seven instances showing the infrared signatures of organic carbon-based materials and water ice. The men responsible for this discovery are Joshua Emery of the University of Tennessee and Andrew Rivkin of Johns Hopkins University and they claim this information plays a role in our history as well as our future in that asteroids may be paving the way today for” interplanet” communication tomorrow. Or perhaps they already have (Andrews, 2010).

The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization announced their plans in January of 2009 to launch The International Year of Astronomy mid-month with several programs to both educate interested parties as well as promote an interest among the masses. This recognition reads loud and clear the importance stressed by a global organization on the education of astronomy for the world (US Federal News, Dateline, 2009).

"The Year coincides with the 400th anniversary of Galileo's first observations with an astronomical telescope. It is an opportunity for people all over the world to rediscover their place in the universe by observing the sky at night and during the day. It is also intended to provide a platform for informing the public about recent discoveries in astronomy, while demonstrating the central role that astronomy can play in science education." (UNESCO Statement Release, Dateline, 2009)

In the course descriptions of the registration portion of the APUS campus for Introduction to Astronomy and Introduction to Astronomy Lab I was informed I would be given the chance to study the history of early astronomy and astronomers as well as an in-depth look of the components of the universe(stars, planets, moons, galaxies, etc). Also included in the curricula are the theories of quantum physics such as black holes and time travel (n.d).

Due to the volume of sale of his famed publications, Stephen Hawking is arguably the most recognizable figure in Astronomy of our time. Hawking was even referenced in a dirty joke in the 2008 Judd Apatow film Knocked Up. In the illustrated hard-back edition of the combined works A Brief History of Time and The Universe in a Nutshell Hawking relays how the advances in science via Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei have shaped our present view on the cosmos, their theories as well as his own and what we have since come to call fact as well as what has yet to be either proven or disproven.

To pursue astronomy could lead to many things. In astrophysics one might use current collected data to further advance the reaches of our observational abilities. In astrobiology one might observe several solar systems in search of water and/or biological organisms. There is always the possibility of space exploration with satellites, research and publication is an option, and then there's also teaching. Whatever the outcome, one in pursuit of astronomy has the rare chance to be a part of something with a magnitude much grander than our own thriving planet.

In conclusion, and perhaps in response to that something deep down desperate to connect to totality, I look forward to what an Introduction to Astronomy and Introduction to Astronomy Lab in December will lay out before me. Will I be captured by the fascinations of the cosmos? I suppose you could say I already am.






Works cited:

Andrews, B.. "Water and organic compounds found on asteroid. " Astronomy 1 Aug. 2010: Research Library, ProQuest. Web. 22 Aug. 2010.

Giacconi, Riccardo. International Journal of Modern Physics A: Particles & Fields; Gravitation; Cosmology; Nuclear Physics, 7/20/2003, Vol. 18 Issue 18, p3127, 23p. Database: Academic Search Premier. Web. 17 Aug. 2010.

Giacconi, Riccardo. “Annual Review of Astronomy & Astrophysics”, 2005, Vol. 43 Issue 1, p1-30
Academic Search Premier. Web. 17 Aug. 2010.

Hawking, Stephen. The Illustrated A Brief History of Time / The Universe In A Nutshell. 2008: Bantam. Print. 17 Aug. 2010.

"LAUNCH OF UNESCO INTERNATIONAL YEAR OF ASTRONOMY. " US Fed News Service, Including US State News 9 Jan. 2009,Research Library, ProQuest. Web. 22 Aug. 2010.

“Alien Communication.” Through The Wormhole. Nar. Morgan Freeman. 22 July 2010. The Science Channel. http://science.discovery.com/videos/through-the-wormhole-is-alien-life-possible.html Web. 17 Aug. 2010.

APUS Course descriptions: Introduction to Astronomy & Introduction to Astronomy Lab. apus.edu/. n.d. Web. 17 Aug 2010.

First REAL College Essay, Draft #1

To Look at the Stars:
An Excursion in Astronomy

You might say there is a need inside everyone to connect to the rest of the universe. Amateur and professional astronomers alike gaze up into the heavens simply to observe what can be found there. Astronomy in a structured form, academically and professionally is the study and observation of the universe( it's stars, planets, moons, galaxies, etc.) as well as the theories surrounding it's many components. According to a popular television show on the Science Network, Into The Worm Hole, as narrated by Morgan Freeman(2010) astronomy and biology have come together in the pursuit of finding life and water on planets other than our own. With the technological advances in modern times and the sheer vastness of the cosmos, now is a fascinating time to explore the dimensions of the structure and chaos from whence we came.

"On the observational side, by far the most important development has been the measurement of fluctuations in the cosmic microwave background radiation by COBE (the Cosmic Background Explorer satellite) and other collaborations. These fluctuations are the fingerprints of creation, the tiny initial irregularities in the otherwise smooth and uniform early universe that later grew into galaxies, stars, and all of the structures we see around us. Their form agrees with the predictions of the proposal that the universe has no boundaries or edges in imaginary time direction. . ." (Stephen Hawking, The Illustrated A Brief History of Time / The Universe In A Nutshell, 2008)

It was once believed that our universe existed in stagnation. Creation was merely a topic for theologians until 1929, when Edwin Hubble would change the perspective of science forever in observing that galaxies at a vast distance were moving away from us quickly. Thus began the theory that the universe is expanding into infinite space from a time where it's contents were at exactly the same point and essentially, infinite density(History of th Universe, pp. 13-14).

In the years of World War II a need for experimentation to facilitate observational needs spawned a "rapid development of technology" which gave opportunity to the astronomical community through radio waves. Relying on optical telescopes limited the availability of knowledge to early astronomers. Physics joined astronomy in the current ability to observe our universe from unfathomable distances(Giacconi, 2005).

The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization announced their plans in January of 2009 to launch The International Year of Astronomy mid-month with several programs to both educate interested parties as well as promote an interest among the masses. This recognition reads loud and clear the importance stressed by a global organization on the education of astronomy for the world(US Federal News, Dateline, 2009).

"The Year coincides with the 400th anniversary of Galileo's first observations with an astronomical telescope. It is an opportunity for people all over the world to rediscover their place in the universe by observing the sky at night and during the day. It is also intended to provide a platform for informing the public about recent discoveries in astronomy, while demonstrating the central role that astronomy can play in science education." (UNESCO Statement Release, Dateline, 2009)

In the course descriptions of the registration portion of the APUS campus for Introduction to Astronomy and Introduction to Astronomy Lab I was informed I would be given the chance to study the history of early astronomy and astronomers as well as an in-depth look of the components of the universe(stars, planets, moons, galaxies, etc). Also included in the curricula are the theories of quantum physics such as black holes and time travel.

Due to the volume of sale of his famed publications, Stephen Hawking is arguably the most recognizable figure in Astronomy of our time. Hawking was even referenced in a dirty joke in the 2008 Judd Apatow film Knocked Up. In the illustrated hard-back edition of the combined works A Brief History of Time and The Universe in a Nutshell Hawking relays how the advances in science via Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei have shaped our present view on the cosmos, their theories as well as his own and what we have since come to call fact as well as what has yet to be either proven or disproven.

To pursue astronomy could lead to many things. In astrophysics one might use current collected data to further advance the reaches of our observational abilities. In astrobiology one might observe several solar systems in search of biological organisms and/or water. Research and publication is an option, and then there's also teaching. Whatever the outcome, one in pursuit of astronomy has the rare chance to be a part of something much grander than us all.

In conclusion, and perhaps in response to that something deep down desperate to connect to totality, I look forward to what an Introduction to Astronomy and Introduction to Astronomy Lab in December will lay out before me. Will I be captured by the fascinations of the cosmos? As is relative, only time will tell.

I'm still figuring out how to put the references in MLA format.
Constructive cfriticism is welcomed.

Just thought you should know...

I love everyone I know.
I love those I see daily and those I merely hear a word from every so often.
I love those I see regularly and those I hope to see soon.
I love those I hold only cherished memories of and,
those I parted with under less than positive circumstances.
I love my family, friends, not-so-friends, and aquaintances alike.

I hope my existence has in some way benefited you, Goddess allowing that I've changed your life for the better.

I know you've helped put me where I am today no matter how you feel about me right now.

Thank you for simply being you.
Good graces, Goddess speed. (;

Check it out

It changed my life;

http://thesecret.tv/

Hear Me Universe!!

I sing this song to myself many times a day.

"The Loves in my life carry me on,
My family and friends inspire this song,
I'm getting where I'm going, I have it all;
A healthy body, I stand strong and tall,
Happiness around me in many a form,
Disposable Income is now the norm.
I'll always lend an eager hand
Luck in all endevours is what I demand
My life will end beautiful and long you'll see
For all of Prosperity Belongs To Me."

It's cheesey I know, but I wrote it after I read Rhonda Byrnes's The Secret. It's an amazing book. It changed my entire perspective on life.

Poetry, March 2010

3/8/10

Ageless day
be gone, and the next.
I want not for this hour,
My terminal...

Ageless day, make haste.
Take with you my lingering malady,
Take with you my predilection.

Tolerance gained in trifle;
I now conceive little else,
My soul; adrift.

Adherent, catch and restore me.
I need your stitches, again.
I've lost a lot of gore.
My chassis is delicate,
My wind, shallow.
Resuscitate.
Rescind the (AGONY) bestowed,
My last requisition.


3/10/10

A simple complication

So complex.

Yet the candor in my
mental capacity
A reflex.

You deny my ability,
Criticize my stability,
Weaken my humility,
So, I question your virility.

I conjure the vigor I've got left,
Clutch. Patience.
I endure the usual mistreatment;
Unhappy salutations.

A single duality,

So intense.

Yet I grasp for reality,
The void, the Gravity,
In pretense.

Resentment emphasized,
Resolve realized,
Contentment advertised
Hesitation(it's commercialized).

I invoke my heroine
Courageous. Selfless.
She provokes misery;
"Trapped." "Helpless."

It will be as I make it;
Resplendent.
My afflictions lose reign when I
End it.


3/11/10


An Ode To Patience:

If you had a body,
I'd stab it
Repeatedly.

You infuriate me so;
The way you ebb and flow
When I've no place to go.

Can't keep it all inside,
When dualities collide,
All of control is aside.

Why won't you
Help Me Feel
less like

A Monster.

The Children, March 2010

Lylith is very musical. She will dance and sing to anything, but when food or rest are in a period of waning, she becomes particular. Like most little girls, she prefers a female voice. She loves to listen to me sing no matter what I'm singing(which is nice as Chris will interrupt and sing over me if he's opposed and Taven just screams), and she's recently developed an interest in clothes. The louder(or the hotter the pink, I should say), the better.
My little Lylie is very good with Aya and her third litter of kittens. She loves dollies(and will say "aww-aww, dolly/kitty/baby/mommy") and is adorable when playing mommy. She tries to feed her dolls, shares her cup with them, hugs, kisses and pats them and plays peek-a-boo(saying, very clearly, "peek-a-boo,") and if she drops them or smacks them she'll say "uh-oh!"
She's very polite and says "please" and "thank you," as does Taven, usually.
Taven also says "uh oh!" with a lot of full sentences. His favorite thing to say is; if he's hurt you or if you're crying or angry, he'll say "Ya all right?" He has learned to hold the cats properly and is very social and out-going with the neighbors' children.
Both kids will pick up a phone and say, "hello!?" They gibber in their own language into phones and to each other, it's adorable.
Taven also enjoys dolls or stuffed animals occasionally. Anything soft and cuddly he'll carry around and say "aww-aww," patting it's back or giving hugs and kisses.
He likes to wrestle a lot and will randomly hit, kick or punch you to prevoke you into throwing him around as Chris does.

My babies is growin' up!!!

"Situational"

An epiphany, as it occurred to me, that people tend to try to make all situations equal, so often, without taking individual circumstances into account. I, myself do this often.

When you're raised in a manner that you only see the same set of instances repeated, you tend to assume certain actions are associated with those instances and if you're not attentive to the people involved, and if you don't look at the surrounding factors you are bound to misinterpret the full effect of the situation.

Here is an example;

When I was much younger than I am now, much more selfish, ignorant and hot(though that's not the important part), I had a natural aversion to half of the music that was available to me. I was never interested in top 40, I detested country and rap and "techno," and sought out only hard rock, metal and whatever genre you consider the likes of the bluesey female singers I'd heard of, such as Fionna Apple and Joss Stone.
I was taught to have a particular taste in music and I never questioned it. I think it probably took a long time, as it may with most girls, to get over the idea that everything I did had to make mommy happy.
If something caught my ear and my mom wasn't a fan, at first I didn't buy the CD. Then, the older I got, I requested the CDs anyway, my mother accepted my tastes and was supportive about my interests.

My husband and I bonded, when we first met, over the likeness of our entertainment tastes. We enjoy the same humor, the same music, the same movies and books and televison programs. Because of this we've introduced each other into a lot of things. That's something that has welded our relationship together over the years. More-so, is the things of that nature that we've discovered we enjoy together.

Lately, however, we've had limited exposure to new things with a strict budget firmly in place. My solution has been to look upon the types of things my friends have been listening to. Lately, I've gotten into some of the music that was on the radio as I was growing up. I'm noticing I can relate to or appreciate the sentiment behind the music of TLC, Salt N' Peppa, Snoop Dogg,Dr. Dre, etc and because of that, I've had the urge to listen to 311, a band I've always liked but fell in love with in beauty school when I learned well the secret behind much of the content and could relate. Chris enjoys 311 and Sublime, another classic I've been craving, and he even tolerates Ballyhoo!, who my Tree turned me onto due to their obvious influences from the two most fore-mentioned bands. What he can not tolerate is the old R&B and rap I've been craving.
My neighbor and friend, Jen, is very much into country western and southern-fried-rock. I've been able to pick up on some things over the years that I enjoy from those genres and like sub-genres. For example, Allison Krausse is a very talented Blue-Grass vocalist. A couple of years ago she created an album with Robert Plant, the singer of Led Zeppelin, called Raising Sand. I listened to that CD every day for months right after I had Taven. Some of the things Jen listens to makes me want to leave the space intended for ear-shot of whatever happens to be playing.

I always thought I hated country. What a bunch of whiny, drunk, dumb red-necks! But when you're raised on metal and the likes, and those are the type of people you surround yourself with, you're bound to hear that opinion a time or two, or a dozen, a score, whatever. It's a stereo-type.

One time, most of us in some way have been guilty of saying this; I'm not interested in what this artist has to say because they don't say it in a way that appeals to me, you shouldn't listen to them either because I'm around you and I don't want to hear it.

I've discovered my true aversion to country music is the way some artists play the guitar in some or all of their songs. I do enjoy the sound of the guitar almost as a rule, but that twangy-twang-twang is just so unappealing to my ears that I can almost always guarantee you that I will not be happy about having to hear it. Even on the Raising Sand album I still occasionally cringe, and that album is not worth missing if you like either of the involved vocalists.
Chris is not a fan of country as a rule, either, though he holds dear a few songs or artists that his mother was a fan of. He, also, is a fan of Raising Sand, that's one we discovered together. (=
What is his aversion? I don't know. What I do know is that he becomes terribly annoyed when I want to listen to Faith Hill's "Cry."

He and his friends were close and tight-knit in their developing years and they're all bold, out-spoken and tease each other endlessly. It's very macho, even with some of the girls. Perhaps this is his source of hostility. The buddies wouldn't approve. Perhaps it's geographical. Maybe that twang offends his ears as well.

Perhaps because I'm always dreaming up something fabulous that I want from my life, I've just now started paying attention to these little truths. They fascinate me, truly. I've consistently marveled at these strange revelations as of late.

I take it as a sign that I need to be in school.
Just as my recent fortunateness with my finances has been sign enough for me to start my own business.

We've found an investor and a partner. If you pray, do so for me. I'll be praying that a few good people will finally have good things coming their way with some consistency.

Hail Janus, Bless My Year.

This year WILL be in my favor as I plan to improve my situation in every way.
Focus power, yours can be great, too.

If I were home I'd be blessing my doorways with the smoke of sage and o0o.. spring cleaning early.

Good thing I'm house-sitting, 'cause I'm, instead, pleasantly inebriated and severely relaxed... though I could use some holly-day booty. )=

Hail Janus. Bless my year from Beginning to End. It is So.