Poisson!

In French that is fish and I say it over and over again and Rosetta Stone scoffs at me like I am an idiot. So I'll give it a day. Maybe I will have better pronounciation tomorrow.

So, fighting to stay positive is a pretty crazy roller coaster. My brain needs time to reset itself and my body needs some TLC but all I can do is obsess over things that essentially cause me pain. Why? Well because I was cursed with a vagina and the largely useless ability to feel EVERYTHING. Love is supposedly the most powerful idea in existence, but the more I love people the more they hurt me. The worst part is that it is never malicious anymore, if you are thinking "why is that so bad?" I will tell you. I am unhappy with myself for being so easily wounded by a lack of consideration and it inspires out-right rage.

This deep crimson cloud fogs up my head on nearly a daily basis.. but I know it is just from being tired. I need to take better care of myself, but someone needs me for something and I have to present myself, then I am behind in my responsibilities and even more pissed at myself. So I try to let it go- but of course, when it is brought to your attention, that makes it hard.

At this point I wonder.. how have I not disconnected myself wholly from negative emotion? Knowing what I know and feeling what I feel.. it seems all too perfect. Yet I can not remove myself unless physically, and even then I feel gross about it until I can truly not think about it with regularity.

I have been thinking about the people who have had the biggest influence in my life and aside from a select few, it seems I lose the ones who treat me the best. I am trying to make peace with the fact that to most people I am just not important. I am important to Chris & my kids and some of my friends, but to most other people it would be fine if I was as invisisble as I sometimes feel. Maybe that is not nice to say, but it is how I feel. A phone works both ways but mine doesn't have long distance.

I try to tell myself I am working toward that beautiful life I see in my head but sometimes it feels like I am working on my own with absolutely no support. The people around me, when they fall apart I am there to wipe their tears and give them some perspective.. but in my moments of darkness there is but an echo of the support I provide unless I force myself to seek it and I DETEST pity, but that seems to be all I get.

I am truly thankful for the people in my life. They are just as busy and just as diverse in their emotional spectrum (generally speaking) as I am and I realize that they are not inconsiderate with intent... how am I supposed to shut off that rage, though? How am I supposed to take it in stride when I put so much effort into being considerate to everyone else?

The things that work are exercise and meditation. And I plan to do those things every day, but with out fail, almost every day something disrupts my plans and either I am interrupted or I have to stress to squeeze in the execise.. and the meditation just has not been happening at all because it is never quiet, comfortable and calm all at the same time where I am at. My brain needs a fucking break! As much as I love music, I cannot wish I was deaf, but to be able to shut off my hearing, that would be amazing.

I am trying to focus on infinite time and space. I try to picture myself as my own burning star in lightyears of emptiness. It is so confusing to want so badly to be alone and at the same time feel so very alone and in need of beneficial company.

So into this text field, I release my heart ache and vow to start over fresh in the morning. Just like I do after every rag. Stupid hormones.

So Glad I Could Make It

The past couple of days have been beautiful, despite family drama due to Thanksgiving and much inconsideration between two people.

Chris cooked Thanksgiving dinner in just over 2 hours yesterday. I told him his mom would be proud. It feels good to know there are leftovers in the fridge to feed us for the next few and we spent $51 total on Thanksgiving. We spent it just the four of us in the living room all sitting at the coffee table together. The kids loved it. Especially the pumpkin pie.

Today we watched movies all day while Chris slept, since last night was his Monday. We watched Willow & Labyrinth and Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-rabbit. We colored pictures and danced. I caught Lylith doing yoga today.

Taven has taken to using his potty over night and hasn't used a diaper in over a week. Lylith is still on the fence about whether or not she wants to use the potty and because we have awful carpet, I am at peace with that until this week when I will be devoting all time during the day to teaching her how to use the potty. I am considering getting her her own potty chair for her room for when she can control her temper.. 'cause otherwise the walls will be painted with poo, she's quite the viper.

Last week I wanted so badly to quit my job, I could hardly stand it. I was convinced I was going to write for one of these websites offering pay to amateurs and live off of that. After a week of thinking it over I am glad I am still here. I am disappointed that it is not as easy as I had anticipated to make money off of such things, but I have a genuine concern for my client.. he has had so much upheaval lately. I would feel awful if I had to contribute to that any more than I already have.

I have had to cancel two appointments in the last few weeks for respite care. Both were nearly an hour's drive and it just isn't worth what my pay has been reduced to- not to take two hours out of my day for driving that I will need for school. I hate it because I am getting work and essentially turning it down but it just isn't fitting in where I need it to.

This week I am not so pessimistic. This week I have a new perspective.


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. (=

emit to relieve encumerance

Pompous. As you so hate, so you are.

To look down on my passion, ignore my epiphany, chortle supremely at my fascination...

Your mind will fester in bordem,

For you are satiated by few senses.

Rot. For your spirit slumbers.


Perchance, you will open your mind's eye in another present and find yourself quite engaged.

Redline, Mechanic Nightmare, WV

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I used to have a big, beautiful Ram van 1500. It was maroon and it was spacious and convenient. It ran great unless the weather was inclement(read: there was snow on the ground). Eventually we needed repairs on the brake lines. I know nothing of mechanics and was looking for something cheap and close.

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I went to Redline in Harpers Ferry, WV, because they were the closest and the cheapest. It turns out they were the cheapest for a reason. I needed oil and brake fluid put in when I went there. My husband watched the mechanic put oil in the brake fluid reservoir and another mechanic stop him and inform him. When all was "right" we drove off to run some errands and were quickly back at the mechanic because of the smell and the fact that applying the brakes was LITERALLY burning my leg.

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This persisted another time, until we decided a Chrystler dealer might be our only hope. Come to find out this van we still owed $900 on now has an entirely corroded brake system because of the motor oil mishap and to fix it would be over 3 grand. Needless to say we relied on others for transportation for about 6 months. It was a horrifically trying 6 months at that.

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The moral of THIS story is: don't trust a random mechanic. Do some research! Try RepairPal.com

Quick, Cheap, Easy & Healthy Recipe:

Chicken & Veggie Alfredo:

Serves 10:
2 cans of chicken, white meat
1 jar alfredo
1 carton chicken broth (preferably reduced sodium and fat free)
1 bag of egg noodles
1 bag frozen california medley (carrots, broccoli & cauliflower)
Pizza & Pasta seasoning to taste

All the above ingredients purchased @ Aldi grocery for under $10.

1. Bring carton of chicken broth to boil in large pan
2. Add egg noodle
3. Wait 3 minutes and add california blend
4. Open & drain water from canned chicken, open alfredo
5. When noodles and veggies are soft (al dente) add chicken and alfredo
6. Add Pizza & Pasta seasoning
7. Cover and simmer for 5 minutes.

The end result is delicious and nutritious. I come up with such things regularly, figured I may as well keep a record and share the wealth. (;

Beauty School Drop Out

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Okay, so I did drop out after attending beauty school on 3 separate occasions, it is true, but beauty and health go hand-in-hand and I have become obsessed with staying healthy.

What is the usual argument? We're going to die anyway, might as well be happy? Are you happy feeling bloated and tired all the time? Maybe you are. I wasn't. Even if you do not care to exercise you should get some kind of activity in and put healthy things in your mouth when you eat and take care of your skin, hair, nails and teeth.

We're animals! We have built in standards for mates even if we are not conscious of them. If for no other reason than to attract Mr/Mrs. Right, you should take care of yourself. I like to be admired, that is a motivation, but I also have a husband to look good for and kids to stick around for.

In this blog, I wanted to lend some of my expertise in the beauty world to whomever might be reading. If you like the color and texture processes, make sure you are paying attention to the over-all health of your hair. From someone with damaged hair, it is terrifying to have your hair start breaking off and falling out! From the opposite end, it is terrifying to do a chemical process on someone claiming to have basically virgin hair and have it start breaking or falling out.
Do not lie, people! These people want to make you look and feel beautiful, they are not there to judge you. If you are concerned they will tell you they are uncomfortable doing it, do you not think they might have good reason? There are steps you can take, though, to ensure the health of your hair. For example heavy conditioning treatments and keratin shampoo: http://health-and-beauty.become.com/keratin-shampoo

I have never been much for any product that makes my hair stick to its self unless it was a special occasion. Call me a hippie, I like the natural, wind-blown look. I hate the high maintenance, also! I prefer a silicon-based leave in conditioner for before and sometimes after the flat iron. If you use a hair spray, mousse or leave-in conditioner, though, it will gunk up your beautiful locks and deplete them of shine over time. The best way to prevent this is to use a clarifying shampoo every week or couple of weeks. You're looking for something that is going to strip your hair of anything left behind by constant product use. Tea Tree is a GREAT product for this. Tea tree shampoo: http://health-and-beauty.become.com/tea-tree-shampoo

And a note about your health outside of your hair that relates to your hair: Keep it DRY when you go out. No, you can not get sick from wet hair in the cold, however, it does make you more susceptible to communicable diseases by weakening your defenses. A good blow dryer is an important ally in the autumn and winter months. hair blow dryers: http://health-and-beauty.become.com/hair-blow-dryers